nuances

this growing up thing is difficult. when i imagine myself, i see this gray whirlwind that just constantly chaotic, contradictory yet spinning in the right direction. i fuck up constantly and i focus on the bad rather than the good. i want critique but cry when i get it. im tempermental.


i forget all the good things i love about me when i discover a chink in the diamond.


so, today i learned:

i don't learn the nuances of people
when you learn them, you care more, and then that hurts.

i can be insensitive
(i said this to my father and he laughed and said "no, really?" to which i promptly responded "shut up".)


but i also learned:
that my family loves me more than i can realize. i am distant - i ran and ran after school, and they still love me to this day, even moreso than before. and i love that about them, even though i am not in a point at my life where i can tell them this.

that love is the most powerful force in the world, and one to be reckoned with and also something to be appreciated. to love, you have to be vulnerable to its opposite. to appreciate true love, you have to have been intimately acquainted with its opposite.

my grandma is deep. like, for real. she's deep.

if you put yourself out there with someone you love and they love you back, then you have nothing to be afraid of. its when you put yourself out there with someone you love and they don't is the true moment for growth.

alright, peace.