i thought you were just suppose to get there...

to say one day "okay, i am grown" or to say "i am growing" with the idea that one day you would finally arrive. like close the page of the book, get up in the dappled sunlight, and walk away with the mona lisa-like smile. but naw... not at all how it goes.

(written a few days ago...)

it took me until today to well up. not cry, just consider it. it took me sometime to decide whether this was all worth documenting Should i capture the mood - watching "the diving bell and the butterfly" drinking red wine - or should i just begin with the reflection?

i just realized how in pieces my heart is, but even through its destruction, i feel freer than i have ever been before. i know this is the time... the time when i will finally Do Better. Not make the dumb mistakes i have been making.

this wine is amazing, by the way.

i don't understand how we can love men who think nothing more of us than the breath their lungs take for granted.

my son continues to astound me. to reiterate how regularly he surprises me; how rapidly my love for him expands, expounds, excites me of how boundless the possibilities of what love can be

we have initiated a mutual agreement - i give him life, he gives me my life back.

its wonderful, i must say.

(back to the present)

watching beyonce's tour on 2nd edition with my mother, son, her dog, my blind grandmother,my

brother's father, and my brother and loving. every. single. minute. of. my. life. even though he hasn't called in a week to ask about his son. even though my paternal grandmother is hurting mo

re than ever. even though i am in so many ways more alone than i have ever been, i am so filled in the same breath. so loved. so peaceful.

oh god, this is going to be a good year.

happy new year to you and yours from me and mine