procrastinating until my son is good and sleep so i can braid his hair - gotta be looking fly for playgroup tomorrow, you know.

...

ever had one of those moments when you were going through something, and instead of dealing with/identifying whatever it was that was getting you down, you just took all your frustrations out on everyone else? yea...did this definitely a few years ago, and here is what i have learned:

cool people will weather your storm and still be friends with you (sorry about that, e. i really did miss you!)

God has a way of helping you learn by, as i put it, putting it back in your face. so now i have a friend who is going through it, went off on me, and i didn't know why. but now i know - she was going thru some hella difficult stuff. we are talking, and i missed her, too. hopefully things will pan themselves out.

oddly enough, "strength courage and wisdom" is playing right now. i love God - all those random coincidences? all him. so cool.

next - on nye resolutions. i was talking to my grandmother - who has seen a lot of these new years come and go - and now that we are all sober and backing those resolutions, i made some of my own. yea, i wanna improve on some things, like:

1. answering my phone (instead of ignoring it)
2. making sure the people i love know that i love them
3. finally dating men that are about something (more on this later) cause i finally recognized how to love myself (one point for me!)
4. creating a working budget
5. eating healthier... since i love to eat... can't get rid of pork yet, though - bacon tastes too good

and the list goes on. but in talking to my g-squared, i learned that really, the biggest resolution we should all make is to learn from our past and be better next time around. recognize yourself - in all your greatness and imperfection - and be okay with the process of evolving into a better you.

so, in adding to my resolutions:

i know i am going to screw up at some point this year. you know, one of those moments when you look back, everything is going in slow-mo and you don't want to remember just how dang awkward/horrible/painful/funny in an ouch way it was, but it still happen, and there were witnesses to it that you still have to see everyday (clearly, this has happened to me before) and i am going to be okay with it.

i know that there might be some life changing decisions i make this year that i will look back on like "man, that was awesome!"

and i hope hope HOPE to meet someone who is where i am in my journey, to share with me in this whole life/living stuff.

preferably a chocolate man - cause they are just so so so so beautiful, but really, a man of any color who will reciprocate the love i give him

(nods to a, a vanilla man who gave me the best valentine's gift ever, to this day - dinner, chartered flight around the city, and dessert, and expected nothing in return).

a man who dreams, and does.

whose body turns towards me when i enter a room.

who delights in me as much as i will in him.

who likes me first, respects me most, and loves me the right ways in due time.

who speaks in full, coherent sentences, can drop a five dollar word when appropriate, but also knows how to cuss (not curse, cuss) up a storm properly with the best of em (i.e. me).

and, coincidentally enough, "i am ready for love" is playing. i must be on the right path with my resolutions.

and son just fell off the couch...and stayed asleep. yep, i can do his hair now.

i'm not a bad mother, i swear. but is it bad for me to laugh a little? just a chuckle? no? okay.

-night.