learning so many lessons so quickly. i have known many of them for a while, but i guess i just wasn't in the right space to listen to their truths.
#1 - be more humble.
i can say that i have done well in my life, but everyday i an instance where i can improve. where i can be better. where i can learn from someone else. its humbling. really. humbling. its so strange because i thought that i - the young black woman who has a great career, a home, her own car... - was a rarity. and we are - but you need so much more than all the superficial. i was working so hard to get the materials, and now that i have started to get them, i 1) no longer really want them and 2) see that there are other places in my life that i would rather focus more of my energy into. the thought of spending another dollar sickens me. i just want to hear some good music, do some yoga, chill with good people, love my baby, love someone else in a grown-up kinda way and call it a day :)
#2 - on this whole love thing
i got home last night and turned to nikki g. for some words to help me out. and of course - another beautiful coincidence happened. here is what God had to say through those words:
"we judge a man by his dreams
not alone his deeds
we judge a man by his intent
not alone by his shortcomings
we judge a man because it is not unusual
to know him through those who love him"
i turn to the beginning of the poem
the women gather (for joe strickland)
and i read more
so how do we judge a man
most of us love from our need to love not
because we find someone deserving
most of us forgive because we have trespassed not
because we are magnanimous
and increasingly salient
most of us comfort because we need comforting
our ancient rituals demand that we give
what we hope to receive
damn. so how will i act knowing all that i know now? once upon a time, i could make love and deny that it was love. i am not as arrogant anymore. i feel every. single. minute. and it stays there. and that person is now a part of me.
i sit next to a silent phone, realizing that i am going to have to work this one out alone - i am a big girl now, i suppose. yes, i can pay my bills. yes, i almost own my car. yes, i can... but i am not an independent woman. i am human. i crave companionship. i want those arms around me. i get lonely in a big girl way - so even though i feel so free, much freer than i have felt for a while, i want. i crave. and to be for real, it does feel good. so, knowing what i should do, will i do it? will i abstain until... until i give what i receive?
#3 - i am selfish
i want my time to myself. but i love m. and he is soooo egocentric at about-to-be-two-years-old. but i want to come home and go to sleep after a long day. and i want to eat cereal and vienna sausages for dinner. but the mommy in me needs to see all colors represented on the plate. and the mommy in me needs to get down on the floor and roll, and play, and crawl, and be fully present. she - not me - ignores the cell phone when it rings, finds the energy to cook wholesome meals every night and every morning. she - not me - is patient. can change the stinkiest diaper unflinchingly. but to be a good she i have to honor me - and finding that balance is ... a challenge.
love jones - its at the part when he is dropping her off at home, and the kiss, and the not-so-quite but um, yeah come on in invitation. cause, you know, she can't go out like that on a first date. but he's just so damn yummy, in a way that i love about my brown men...
damn.
meter...verse...classical...free
poems are what you do to me
