enter. lights on.

never noticed beyond the width of my nose that it is slightly off-centered.  that in all of it wideness, its actually befitting my face. my skin seems clearer.  dear god i need a shower - this is what, going on three days?  but then again, when do i get a chance to shower with a toddler?

adjust water.

i never wanted to be a single mother - no, that's not true.  i never thought i would become a single mother.  i am too loving of a person to end up alone, raising a child.  or so i thought.  but there is something liberating in being the sole decision maker.
and alternatively,
there is something so exhausting in being in a relationship with someone  - the constant negotiations, shifting and moving to accommodate. i miss them, but i missed the selfishness of being alone, too.

bathing

what to write?  i want to write an elegy to relationships.  a reflection of self - i can already see the reviews after it has been published  - "gut wrenchingly honest" "brutal in its beauty".

so what to write when i finally sit down to blog - i haven't in a few days, and i want to keep my nyr - and i realize that i am not unique in going through any of this.  all the experiences, all my reactions to them, even my desire to feel as though somehow, in the span of millennia, that i am unique in my life?  humbling and comforting. nothing about this is new - across the world, across the ages, someone somewhere has been through what i am going through.  so really, should i even bother to try to capture any part of this, or just keep ... going?

bathing: exfoliation

but who doesn't want to be seen as beautiful, even in their worst moments? i am not the only person who imagines their life to be multiple scenes in their biography.  there is a soundtrack, moments for wide angles and interludes, for tight shots and monologues.  mine's would definitely have flashdances.

drying

i didn't know my body would be this re-shaped.  i remember e, after one of our superbly passionate sessions (such delicious memories), commenting that i would be a force to be reckoned with once i had a child.  that i would be thick and thin in all the right places.   heh - sure.  who knew i, at 116lbs, could have cellulite?

lotion

but why put on lotion if i don't anticipate someone's hands on my shoulders, falling gracefully down my arms, or caressing from heel to knee to thigh? this is so funny - all this work, for what?

pjs

why do i always look my most beautiful when no one is around to see it?

write: variations on the kanon by pachelbel

is on the radio as i sit down on my couch to write.  it - the radio - is always on in my home.  either some cd or npr.  this just happens to be george winston's december.

there is this part in the song where, just briefly, he stumbles. a discordant chord in an otherwise beautiful piece. i want this to be my wedding song - i can see me somewhere, barefoot, a white runway with greenery on either side, and when those chords play, i want to trip.  to almost fall - to capture all those moments in a marriage to come where ish just doesn't. go. quite. right.  but to catch myself and keep going, smiling, towards the altar.   its the most beautiful part of the song.