not that this is new, but i am beginning to question my judgment.
"this was a good decision - to buy a home - you just bought a bum home."
I know that everything seems bleaker than it is when you are down. but i was still surprised that for the first time, m's laugh...didn't resonate as loudly as it normally does.
that's when i knew i was getting pretty low.
and the spiral began. thinking of all the moments i thought were good ideas, seemed like good ideas, conventional wisdom would seem to suggest that
these were
good
ideas.
but then
i came back.
because my best idea, my best investment, was sitting right there in the tub. pretending to be a fish. and even if it was a bad investment to be with his father, it was the best decision of my life to have him.
and things started to turn around.
i wish i had the words to express that feeling - its such much higher, cleaner, purer than the "being in a relationship" love. snuggled with m on the couch, his fresh baby-lotioned browness, and i think back to when he was in utero, and how all of my best went to him. and i want nothing in return, yet i get so much.
there is a lesson in there somewhere.
its just the kind of love i can't compare to the boyfriend/girlfriend crap. the one-sided conversations of recent dates. the banality of the "what black women need to do is..." argument
once again, and i wonder why i am single.
i just won't settle for anything less. now that i know love, i can't take/give any generics.
