been reading rumi and waking up at five in the morning to meditate
it hasn't been an overnight change, but i am starting to feel
at peace
with whatever
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been cooking really well the past few weeks - veggie cheese risotto, herb stuffed salmon, and tonight - thyme and lime chicken (marinated for 24 h) in butter. cause butter taste good. m gets to eating and lets out the biggest belch i've ever heard a two year old conjure up. he replies
"ooo, mommy. dinosaurs."
I am excited that we are getting to that stage of clarity - i think that kids from around the age of 2 -5 are the most wisest (yes. most wisest.) people on the earth. they make the best observations of the world around (and in) them. they really are quite profound - and hilarious. M thinking the belch was a dinosaur really made me lol.
smile.
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i've been a little frustrated lately - unable to make a decision about what to do about m's dad. part of me is just saying stop answering the occasional calls. if he doesn't want to be a full time dad, don't let him waste m's time. he's given all of maybe $100 since he left last november. called maybe 20 times. 30 max. is it my problem that he doesn't know how to be a dad AND doesn't want to listen? what do i do? I am not "one of those" who calls constantly. cusses him out. i just don't have the energy for that - those women have too much time on their hands. I definitely don't hate him - that would mean i still loved him. and i don't. there is just this empty ambivalence towards his existence. somewhere in the back of my mind, i am aware he is alive somewhere on this earth.
and me and m just keep moving forward.
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i just needed to get all the random thoughts out.
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me and m were sick this weekend. casualties of being a teacher - with all the "I missed you Ms. C" hugs, i get all the summer germs. so it hit friday after work. saturday, worsened in the evening. Sunday - full blown snottiness, KILLER headache, and some serious narcoleptic periods. M was a champ - putting his little blanket on me and patting my back, then..
achoo.
toddler snot everywhere.
he caught it, too.
crawled up in my arms and went to sleep - i know he's feeling bad when he does that. laid him down - two hours later i hear that scream. that "mommy-i-can't-breathe-this-sucks" yell. we both just laid on the couch holding each other. me blowing into his mouth to get all the snot out his nose
yea, they don't tell you about that in sex ed class, huh- that when your kid can't breath, blow in his mouth to clear his nose. yep, that means there is snot on your lip; but your kid can breathe.
there's some natural birth control for you.
me downing ibuprofen to get rid of the sledgehammer at the back of my head. its only in those moments that i feel the familiar smolder of ... anger? disappointment? betrayal? of m's dad not being here to help.
damn.
