sometimes, you gotta question...

i think questioning where you're at in life is healthy - i mean, if your on the right path, then you can answer the questions, but if you can't...well, that's something else, right?

so go with me here for a minute.

so i'm doing some grocery shopping this morning..30 at schnucks....30 at aldi's...10 something at the dollar store...trying to stretch the dollar while i'm trying to eat healthier, you know, more organic, no pork, which automatically means spending a little more than normal, but i think 'hey, your health is worth it'

i get to the last store, the dollar store, and ole girl behind the counter looks - a litte harried, to say the least. hair's not done. scars across her face. she's obviously a little stressed, cause she's the only one working the registers. there's a line forming, and somebody asks her if she tried hiring some more, to which she responds that she would, but that the store doesnt make enough money, and she apologizes for making us stand in the line and wait. immediately, all the harried looks of the line standers melts away as we all sympathize. immediately, everyone becomes more helpful, lifting stuff and bagging for her.

i leave, wondering whether life would be easier if i didn't have to worry about more complex stresses - teaching and helping my people. i wonder what would life be like if i lived for the now...

i drive past a cop car. im well within the speed limit. he eyes me and inches out.

drives slowly behind me. picks up the phone.
i take an out of the way back street just to confirm what i already know - he's running my plates.
then comes the confident anger that accompanies the knowledge that yea, i know im clean. what - you didn't have nothing better to do than to follow me?

he runs them. finds nothing. eyes me through the rearview and make a u turn to go back to whatever corner he pulled out of.

i wondered some more as i drove home, more pissed than a b****-
no matter how high you go, you still just a ni**a.

so i asked myself - is it worth it? the nice apartment in the nice neighborhood, the car, although its a little angry at me right now (lol) the degree and the debt it put me in, the job in two weeks, the education about my health....etc etc...is it all worth it?

or could i have

been that girl, living in the hood, on public assistance maybe, working part or full time in some lower-end job, or maybe even going through tech training to be a hair dresser or have some other skilled job, just doing day to day, not worried about some unpromised future, delaying delayed gratification for the instant happiness of whatever clothes i want when i see them, maybe saving a little to get a old school, throwin some d's on it and being happy with where i am, maybe helping folks along the way...

i think questioning where you're at in life is healthy - i mean, if your on the right path, then you can answer the questions, but if you can't...