payback is a ...

once again, i am seeing that God works in mysterious ways.

1. i have limited faith. i know i am one of those people that will kick, cry and scream until i see something, then i'm all like "thank you JES-us!".
that probably isn't what you're suppose to do.

2. something always comes thru - i still don't know how i managed to pay rent with no job - but i'm amazed that it doesn't really happen until the VERY LAST MINUTE. how can i have faith when i am so afraid that the next time, 'it' might not be there?

3. whatever you do comes flying RIGHT BACK AT YOU!! i am living testament to that. i go through something, learn from it, then it comes back at me.
 for example, i push people away because i am afraid of being hurt (real talk) in whatever way, shape and form. i just have this idea that people never come thru. some of this is true, some not, but whatever...imma work on that.
but recently, i'm learning that instead of pushing people back, maybe i should just tell them what's going on with me, so that its not pushing, but a request for space - therefore, no one gets hurt, i get my peace, it all works.
right after i learn that lesson, i experience what it feels to be on the pushed-away side. a friend of mine pushed, and now i'm

sitting here /
looking crazy like damn. - Nelly

now i know what i put people through, and am really sorry for it, cause i feel all hurt and sad and confused like "what did i do"? and i am sure some people felt like that about me. its true - you live and you learn.

i guess the ultimate lesson i learned is that you can't be all about you -think about how your actions affect others.

t