mulligan #1

right all up in the midst of it.

day started as such:
took two sleeping pills cause i still wasn't asleep at god knows when in the morning
woken up by cramps
threw up because cramps were so bad
got amazing heat pad from e
fell asleep, drugged with three aleeve, some graham crackers and a towel...
think i told my boss the reason i wasn't coming in was because of diarrhea??? i didn't have that!


that was the beginning of the day.

ups and downs in life are amazing. was called selfish today. friend saw me cry for the first time in our...three? four? year relationship (wow, its been so long!). made 17 life choices and acted on none of them in the span of a few hours. then got cursed out for moving too fast. welcome to why i needed therapy in the first place.


my biggest question right now is what am i most afraid of? and how am i going to deal with what i know i have to do?

and i am going to admit it. i want a knight in shining armor. not literally, but the kind of guy that doesn't have to ask me what to do, he just does it. i have to deal with so many other decisions in life, imma just let you do what you do and nod and smile.

(yeah i said it. i just set women back some what, 50 years?)

why do i miss you? or do i just miss the idea of you that i created in my head?

so, chicago tomorrow. cleveland next week. and then school begins. and life begins to change. some more. and i've been told i'm strong. strong is knowing when you can't handle anymore and having the courage to say so. even if people don't agree with you.

how much of this is just growing up? how much of this is all me? how much is just normal and really, how much is just...crazy as all hell?

heard that another dude...totally unrelated to me...lied about some big things. like family and ish....really. can ANY dude tell the truth? see, this is why i'm just chillin right now. i can't take any more bulls*** - i got enough in my life. but if some realness walks up, then i'll holla ;-)

[aaannnnddd.....i'm not going to sleep anytime soon, and tonight, i am not going to let it bother me.]