this growing up thing is difficult. when i imagine myself, i see this gray whirlwind that just constantly chaotic, contradictory yet spinning in the right direction. i fuck up constantly and i focus on the bad rather than the good. i want critique but cry when i get it. im tempermental.
i forget all the good things i love about me when i discover a chink in the diamond.
so, today i learned:
i don't learn the nuances of people
when you learn them, you care more, and then that hurts.
i can be insensitive
(i said this to my father and he laughed and said "no, really?" to which i promptly responded "shut up".)
but i also learned:
that my family loves me more than i can realize. i am distant - i ran and ran after school, and they still love me to this day, even moreso than before. and i love that about them, even though i am not in a point at my life where i can tell them this.
that love is the most powerful force in the world, and one to be reckoned with and also something to be appreciated. to love, you have to be vulnerable to its opposite. to appreciate true love, you have to have been intimately acquainted with its opposite.
my grandma is deep. like, for real. she's deep.
if you put yourself out there with someone you love and they love you back, then you have nothing to be afraid of. its when you put yourself out there with someone you love and they don't is the true moment for growth.
alright, peace.
22 March 2008
"5.25 for her / 10.5 or 11 if you want a wide band"
it always starts out casually...
i needed a hug one day, and as we laid there, he began:
"i think i could be happy with just you... for the rest of my life" he says, quietly amazed.
we are watching one tree hill:
"i should know your ring size....i mean, you know, just in case. and what kind of ring you like." he mentions as ole girl runs off stage, refusing to marry because ole boy still loves the other girl
(he watches the show, not me. but its good, i swear)
we are shopping last night with the other couple and we walk past one of those jewelry stores in the mall. you know, the one that looks lit from within...where women meet new best friends and men sweatily pick such beautiful binds of love and life...
"let's go in here and get sized" i say, casually. i don't want this dream to burst.
"let's go in here and get sized" i say, casually.
"yeah! i need to know what kind of ring you would like." declarative. strong. sure.
later:
"we just got sized for rings!!" he says
"yeah, i know!!" i laugh back
giddy in love
nightcap:
"my boy just got a tattoo of his girl on him." he says
"i don't know about getting your girlfriend's name tattoo-ed on yourself" i respond, slamming my car door and walking towards my apartment in the brisk early spring darkness. this is the first night we haven't slept together. we have been on the phone since we parted.
"but i would get your name tattoo-ed on me, since you are going to be my wife, but he got ole girl's name...." he says it so casually. so assuredly. there is no pause, no hesitation, no mistrust and fear that we have been both battling. i settle into his love and giggle to myself.
not even aware of my thoughts, he hears laughter:
"WHAT!! what!! what's so funny?" he was still going on about is boy.
"nothing baby, nothing."
we make dane cook jokes for the rest of the night until i fall asleep.
i needed a hug one day, and as we laid there, he began:
"i think i could be happy with just you... for the rest of my life" he says, quietly amazed.
we are watching one tree hill:
"i should know your ring size....i mean, you know, just in case. and what kind of ring you like." he mentions as ole girl runs off stage, refusing to marry because ole boy still loves the other girl
(he watches the show, not me. but its good, i swear)
we are shopping last night with the other couple and we walk past one of those jewelry stores in the mall. you know, the one that looks lit from within...where women meet new best friends and men sweatily pick such beautiful binds of love and life...
"let's go in here and get sized" i say, casually. i don't want this dream to burst.
flashback:
"hey look at that store! lets go in!" - i say
"naw!! im not going in there!" he says
"its not like you are going to buy me anything, you asshole" i respond
me and t: 10/07 - 12/07
rest in peace
"hey look at that store! lets go in!" - i say
"naw!! im not going in there!" he says
"its not like you are going to buy me anything, you asshole" i respond
me and t: 10/07 - 12/07
rest in peace
"let's go in here and get sized" i say, casually.
"yeah! i need to know what kind of ring you would like." declarative. strong. sure.
later:
"we just got sized for rings!!" he says
"yeah, i know!!" i laugh back
giddy in love
nightcap:
"my boy just got a tattoo of his girl on him." he says
"i don't know about getting your girlfriend's name tattoo-ed on yourself" i respond, slamming my car door and walking towards my apartment in the brisk early spring darkness. this is the first night we haven't slept together. we have been on the phone since we parted.
"but i would get your name tattoo-ed on me, since you are going to be my wife, but he got ole girl's name...." he says it so casually. so assuredly. there is no pause, no hesitation, no mistrust and fear that we have been both battling. i settle into his love and giggle to myself.
not even aware of my thoughts, he hears laughter:
"WHAT!! what!! what's so funny?" he was still going on about is boy.
"nothing baby, nothing."
we make dane cook jokes for the rest of the night until i fall asleep.
27 February 2008
she kept wild horses
in her stables
and rode bareback
in search of stability
for c
cotton candy on a rainy day
(to be read for further clarity)
in her stables
and rode bareback
in search of stability
for c
cotton candy on a rainy day
(to be read for further clarity)
12 February 2008
sometimes, i get so tired. being 23 is hard when people equate age with experience, age with wisdom. do you realize in saying this that you invalidate my own experiences? that you are telling me (and you are okay with this) that i am too young to know any better?
i wish someone would have told me that a college degree isn't enough.
How can i be weary at twenty three? and why can't 'they' here me? do i not exist?
i need daily affirmation that i am an intelligent women, because with the reception i get, you would think i have no idea what i'm doing.
the roots said it best:
Shorties wanna be theyself, I know it's hard to be
Don't wanna do the Ruben Studdard and come off less threatenin
Keepin it real'll kill you if you end up lettin it
(i am working for a world where this can be the signature of my emails, even in the profession that i am currently working, and not be seen as besmirching on my character, but instead, be celebrated in the insight that it offers.)
i wish someone would have told me that a college degree isn't enough.
How can i be weary at twenty three? and why can't 'they' here me? do i not exist?
i need daily affirmation that i am an intelligent women, because with the reception i get, you would think i have no idea what i'm doing.
the roots said it best:
Shorties wanna be theyself, I know it's hard to be
Don't wanna do the Ruben Studdard and come off less threatenin
Keepin it real'll kill you if you end up lettin it
(i am working for a world where this can be the signature of my emails, even in the profession that i am currently working, and not be seen as besmirching on my character, but instead, be celebrated in the insight that it offers.)
21 January 2008
on the eve of a great man's death comes ...
i can't give you any quotes. not yet. it took me a while to learn what my mother and father and those before and around them already knew as Truth. Knowledge is Power.
I was told today that in Jena, Louisiana tomorrow, the Klu Klux Klan would be marching. I reacted with anger and disbelief - in the Unites States in 2008, a hate group is still allowed to exist, a group well known to stand against all that is American is allowed to live and thrive while others were denied their rights. Extinguished.
i was asked what would i do if i were in Jena. i answered roundabout - that teaching is my weapon. that Youtube may be more effective than marching. that the battle for
...
the battle for...
what?
we are a nation conflicted. during the civil rights and before, when freedom was in black and white, it was easy to identify a goal. civil rights. equal rights among all citizens. and de jure, we got that. but the de facto truth remains ambivalent to the laws codified in those times.
but its so hard to see this when we have become distracted by little black kids and little white kids can hold hands.
so what are our goals now? what are we striving for? what, as a people, do we still need to battle to win? war against a common enemy can blur the hatred between rivals to appear as patriotism as we fight for a common goal. but once the battle is won, and the fervor has receded, what is left but to bathe in our glory as the victors?
i write all of this to explain that to understand where we are going, where we NEED to go, its imperative to understand our past. America is often seen through the eyes of the neo-enlightened as a nightmare. with its ghoulish past of racism, sexism, patriarchy, manifest destiny, its hard to miss the other side of this - the false negative, i guess you could say. there were people who had morals. and throughout history, Right and Truth have never changed. while some fought for the end of slavery for free soil, others fought because american slavery is and has always been wrong. to enslave another man, to build his body and denigrate his mind in a land where we value Humanity, it has and will always be wrong.
throughout history, its easy to look back with a discerning eye and point out our flaws. but simply feeling bad for our past isn't enough... understanding all that gray area is what is necessary.
i think the goal now is to pause. to reflect. to realize that in the same breath we can be the best and worst country on this earth. to realize that we have set the standards high and failed. our unwillingness to move past the hurt, past the blame, and really see ourselves objectively has got us arguing over the superficial. maybe its not that the KKK can still exist, but that we self-sabotaged our own growth with the decimation of the Black Panthers because they represented something inconceivable - a physical manifestation of the American dream.
maybe, in our arrogance as a nation, we have shot ourselves in the foot. confidence and arrogance are two sides of the same coin. one permits learning while the other promotes resolution, limiting our access to growth through reflection.
MLK stood in front our biggest mirror in the nation and gave his speech on a dream. and we have failed because we have neglected to reflect. we have accused, argued, fought, waged war. we stupidly try to recover our bandages with new ones. we have learned and become depressed by our own actions. through the selfishness of depression we stopped at the surface and have not yet faced ourselves.
i think we as a nation are lost because we no longer have tangible goals. perhaps we hate rap so much because it offers the clearest perspective of our national conscious. we create beef to wage wars that we glorify, perhaps secretly proud of the carnage because we come out top dog. ...money power respect...maybe lil kim was right.
we ignore the Truth of the matter - how can we spread democracy, a government that believes in power to the people, when the president cannot walk through his own country without bodyguards?
there is something deeper here...something i can't get to... something that in all this rambling, i have had only glimpses of. its taken me a long time to get here... racism is really, truly, literally, the superficial battle. i say this in trepidation because those before me understanding this have been killed because we haven't been ready to face Truth. to break allegiance with the black community, my floating donut, to dive deeper into our past...
but my goal... my goal, is to become a democratic nation. power in the hands of all people. (knowledge in the hands of all people.) reviving the belief that with much power comes much responsibility.
(with much knowledge comes much responsibility.)
sometimes the best action is quiet and internal.
I was told today that in Jena, Louisiana tomorrow, the Klu Klux Klan would be marching. I reacted with anger and disbelief - in the Unites States in 2008, a hate group is still allowed to exist, a group well known to stand against all that is American is allowed to live and thrive while others were denied their rights. Extinguished.
i was asked what would i do if i were in Jena. i answered roundabout - that teaching is my weapon. that Youtube may be more effective than marching. that the battle for
...
the battle for...
what?
we are a nation conflicted. during the civil rights and before, when freedom was in black and white, it was easy to identify a goal. civil rights. equal rights among all citizens. and de jure, we got that. but the de facto truth remains ambivalent to the laws codified in those times.
but its so hard to see this when we have become distracted by little black kids and little white kids can hold hands.
so what are our goals now? what are we striving for? what, as a people, do we still need to battle to win? war against a common enemy can blur the hatred between rivals to appear as patriotism as we fight for a common goal. but once the battle is won, and the fervor has receded, what is left but to bathe in our glory as the victors?
i write all of this to explain that to understand where we are going, where we NEED to go, its imperative to understand our past. America is often seen through the eyes of the neo-enlightened as a nightmare. with its ghoulish past of racism, sexism, patriarchy, manifest destiny, its hard to miss the other side of this - the false negative, i guess you could say. there were people who had morals. and throughout history, Right and Truth have never changed. while some fought for the end of slavery for free soil, others fought because american slavery is and has always been wrong. to enslave another man, to build his body and denigrate his mind in a land where we value Humanity, it has and will always be wrong.
throughout history, its easy to look back with a discerning eye and point out our flaws. but simply feeling bad for our past isn't enough... understanding all that gray area is what is necessary.
i think the goal now is to pause. to reflect. to realize that in the same breath we can be the best and worst country on this earth. to realize that we have set the standards high and failed. our unwillingness to move past the hurt, past the blame, and really see ourselves objectively has got us arguing over the superficial. maybe its not that the KKK can still exist, but that we self-sabotaged our own growth with the decimation of the Black Panthers because they represented something inconceivable - a physical manifestation of the American dream.
maybe, in our arrogance as a nation, we have shot ourselves in the foot. confidence and arrogance are two sides of the same coin. one permits learning while the other promotes resolution, limiting our access to growth through reflection.
MLK stood in front our biggest mirror in the nation and gave his speech on a dream. and we have failed because we have neglected to reflect. we have accused, argued, fought, waged war. we stupidly try to recover our bandages with new ones. we have learned and become depressed by our own actions. through the selfishness of depression we stopped at the surface and have not yet faced ourselves.
i think we as a nation are lost because we no longer have tangible goals. perhaps we hate rap so much because it offers the clearest perspective of our national conscious. we create beef to wage wars that we glorify, perhaps secretly proud of the carnage because we come out top dog. ...money power respect...maybe lil kim was right.
we ignore the Truth of the matter - how can we spread democracy, a government that believes in power to the people, when the president cannot walk through his own country without bodyguards?
there is something deeper here...something i can't get to... something that in all this rambling, i have had only glimpses of. its taken me a long time to get here... racism is really, truly, literally, the superficial battle. i say this in trepidation because those before me understanding this have been killed because we haven't been ready to face Truth. to break allegiance with the black community, my floating donut, to dive deeper into our past...
but my goal... my goal, is to become a democratic nation. power in the hands of all people. (knowledge in the hands of all people.) reviving the belief that with much power comes much responsibility.
(with much knowledge comes much responsibility.)
sometimes the best action is quiet and internal.
20 January 2008
he really might not be all that into me...
so it was one of those nights where i just couldn't get comfortable. i kept randomly wandering around the apartment, checking my phone, snacking on randomness (salty...sweet...salty...sweet) and i finally laid down on my bed in frustrated boredom. i just didn't know what the f- to do.
so i started playing with my camera and took some really great pictures...
i thought i could show them to you, but i forgot i don't have vision services. that did seem like the perfect segue thought, right?
well, anyways, i got up, threw on my recycled uggs, two sweatshirts and two pair of sweats and some gloves and headed to the place of happiness and joy. Border's Bookstore.
the coupons are amazing. the selection is extensive. the atmosphere is bright and welcoming. it is a bookworm's moveable feast.
perusing...browsing... ooo! yoga stuff for $5! thou shall cop-est thy cheap yet great buy ... perusing... nods to the af-am section... and there it is. in all its accusatory glory. the self help section.
its the section you least want to be caught in. its the one that screams, at any time of the day or night or season "look! i suck! and i am trying to figure out why cause guess what! i suck!"
or something along those lines. some may hate me for saying that, but let's be honest. that's what is is and that's what it do.
so i walked over with that i-am-looking-for-something-in-particular-that's-a-really-great-book-don't-judge-me power walk. i lean towards the shelves as i maintain a 5 foot difference so just in case someone cool walks by (how i will identify this coolness i haven't thought about yet, but whatever) i can pretend to be looking at the used movies directly adjacent to this section.
and if as on cue, the book just reaches up and waves at me. it's even turned to face me:
"He's Just Not That Into You".
this has got to be one of the (long e right there) most fire books i have ever read. it's hilarious, but blunt. entertaining and enlightening. delicious AND nutritious.
i quickly bought it, got the 30% off (SCORE!) and sauntered back into my apartment an even happier woman than normal (and i've been pretty damn joyous over the last few days).
promptly getting down to business, i turned on the appropriate play list "l-word: ouch" and snuggled myself into my futon to read and learn.
i was so motivated that i got up, went to facebook and finally blocked the one guy that's been on and off. the frustrating but fufilling one i mentioned in the last post? yeah, him. no hard feelings, but there really isn't anything there.
so i blocked him. erased all the old messages (especially the one that gave his new number) and cleared my call log on my phone. number? gone. no longer in the contacts list. why? because
all together now, class
he's just not that into me.
and like Greg says:
I deserve a fucking phone call.
:-)
so i started playing with my camera and took some really great pictures...
i thought i could show them to you, but i forgot i don't have vision services. that did seem like the perfect segue thought, right?
well, anyways, i got up, threw on my recycled uggs, two sweatshirts and two pair of sweats and some gloves and headed to the place of happiness and joy. Border's Bookstore.
the coupons are amazing. the selection is extensive. the atmosphere is bright and welcoming. it is a bookworm's moveable feast.
perusing...browsing... ooo! yoga stuff for $5! thou shall cop-est thy cheap yet great buy ... perusing... nods to the af-am section... and there it is. in all its accusatory glory. the self help section.
its the section you least want to be caught in. its the one that screams, at any time of the day or night or season "look! i suck! and i am trying to figure out why cause guess what! i suck!"
or something along those lines. some may hate me for saying that, but let's be honest. that's what is is and that's what it do.
so i walked over with that i-am-looking-for-something-in-particular-that's-a-really-great-book-don't-judge-me power walk. i lean towards the shelves as i maintain a 5 foot difference so just in case someone cool walks by (how i will identify this coolness i haven't thought about yet, but whatever) i can pretend to be looking at the used movies directly adjacent to this section.
and if as on cue, the book just reaches up and waves at me. it's even turned to face me:
"He's Just Not That Into You".
this has got to be one of the (long e right there) most fire books i have ever read. it's hilarious, but blunt. entertaining and enlightening. delicious AND nutritious.
i quickly bought it, got the 30% off (SCORE!) and sauntered back into my apartment an even happier woman than normal (and i've been pretty damn joyous over the last few days).
promptly getting down to business, i turned on the appropriate play list "l-word: ouch" and snuggled myself into my futon to read and learn.
i was so motivated that i got up, went to facebook and finally blocked the one guy that's been on and off. the frustrating but fufilling one i mentioned in the last post? yeah, him. no hard feelings, but there really isn't anything there.
so i blocked him. erased all the old messages (especially the one that gave his new number) and cleared my call log on my phone. number? gone. no longer in the contacts list. why? because
all together now, class
he's just not that into me.
and like Greg says:
I deserve a fucking phone call.
:-)
16 January 2008
this man is the truth for me right now. as i sit in my office at school blogging, im marinating in the speech that he just gave. the responses from the students that said louder than their adolescent minds could muster "we want to have these kind of conversations. we just need someone to start them for us."
he talked about the fcc allowing "nigger" and "bitch" onto television after 7... he spoke about mascots, and what if your face was on the side of a helmet and you're identity was no longer a person but a commodity... about harriet tubman and a little boy of eight who was scared while escaping with her and she experienced her moment of blackness...
i walked back with a faculty member who i respect, and he said he loved the speech. especially now when he is teaching huck finn. when these conversations are so difficult and that they had training...
i realized we have all the training we need. we were born with it, raised with it, studied it while in school and now teach it. it is our America that has trained us. whether as minority or majority, we all know that something is Wrong in our country. we are ill.
but we have also known that we can make it Right. stop hesitating to have these courageous conversations. just do it. let the fear of uncertainty pause you when responding. make every word count, then discredit it all as nothing than just abstract ways to capture your true thoughts. shirk training to have the conversation
this is where i need to be. i think i have an idea of what i need to do. im scared, but so excited.
he talked about the fcc allowing "nigger" and "bitch" onto television after 7... he spoke about mascots, and what if your face was on the side of a helmet and you're identity was no longer a person but a commodity... about harriet tubman and a little boy of eight who was scared while escaping with her and she experienced her moment of blackness...
i walked back with a faculty member who i respect, and he said he loved the speech. especially now when he is teaching huck finn. when these conversations are so difficult and that they had training...
i realized we have all the training we need. we were born with it, raised with it, studied it while in school and now teach it. it is our America that has trained us. whether as minority or majority, we all know that something is Wrong in our country. we are ill.
but we have also known that we can make it Right. stop hesitating to have these courageous conversations. just do it. let the fear of uncertainty pause you when responding. make every word count, then discredit it all as nothing than just abstract ways to capture your true thoughts. shirk training to have the conversation
this is where i need to be. i think i have an idea of what i need to do. im scared, but so excited.
14 January 2008
why, what and but...
i don't think i can think anymore. my brain is starting to hurt and manifest this pain into uncontrollable scalp itch so i am sitting here, drowning in papers, blogging when i know i need to be reading socrates' trial cause my high-achieving butt thought it would be so great to demonstrate the Socratic method...
i roll my eyes even as i smile...
WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?? DO I WANT TO TEACH OR WORK SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE EDUCATION FIELD?? COMFORT IS AN EVIL THING
cause if i get a contract, then that's it. I can stay as long as i don't goof up horribly. i can get comfortable.
but i feel this but
but if i accept at BBBS (hopefully there will be a job offer soon...or hopefully not too soon) then what if there is an offer from MICDS? what will i do then?
why are there all these whys and whats and buts??
O DEAR GOD I AM SO STRESSED WITH OPPORTUNITY!!
but there is more
am i not as good as a person as i thought i was? ai made a correct observation - i have fallen out with everyone up here. there have been moments of no talking and i am always the one to make amends... even though each time, i didn't do shit to start the quiolence (quiet violence) in the first place... or maybe i did...
i roll my eyes even as i smile...
WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?? DO I WANT TO TEACH OR WORK SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE EDUCATION FIELD?? COMFORT IS AN EVIL THING
cause if i get a contract, then that's it. I can stay as long as i don't goof up horribly. i can get comfortable.
but i feel this but
but if i accept at BBBS (hopefully there will be a job offer soon...or hopefully not too soon) then what if there is an offer from MICDS? what will i do then?
why are there all these whys and whats and buts??
O DEAR GOD I AM SO STRESSED WITH OPPORTUNITY!!
but there is more
am i not as good as a person as i thought i was? ai made a correct observation - i have fallen out with everyone up here. there have been moments of no talking and i am always the one to make amends... even though each time, i didn't do shit to start the quiolence (quiet violence) in the first place... or maybe i did...
i am too afraid to watch that movie "how to lose friends and alienate people" cause its probably about me.
imma talk this out with daddy. then finish reading. then go to bed. this ish sucks. wait - let me amend that. the bad ish sucks.
imma talk this out with daddy. then finish reading. then go to bed. this ish sucks. wait - let me amend that. the bad ish sucks.
13 January 2008
this post contains more cursin' than normal...
some days i just wonder what it is i do to attract bullshit.
its like, most of the times, i'm good. no, im lying. i can have a pretty negative personality and outlook on life. but really, literally, i have been working on it. and i feel better - it really is all about how you think about things.
so im sitting here, watching katt williams, and drinking hot marshmallows.
hot marshmallow recipe:
boil water. in meantime, fill cup to the top with marshmallows. pour packet of hot chocolate with marshmallows on top or marshmallows. when water is boiling, pour slowly on top of marshmallows. you may only be able to get a few drops of water in there. its okay.
sit and ponder why marshmallows is spelled with an "a" and not and "e".
but im still upset about the inordinate amount of bullshit in my life. and the crazy thing is, even as i prep to deal with it all, i know its only going to get worse before it improves.
at times, im going to feel as if i am crazy. im going to have to admit i was wrong. but honestly, shit, most of the time, i don't think it was me. but we'll see.
shit.
i hate being an adult.
its like, most of the times, i'm good. no, im lying. i can have a pretty negative personality and outlook on life. but really, literally, i have been working on it. and i feel better - it really is all about how you think about things.
so im sitting here, watching katt williams, and drinking hot marshmallows.
hot marshmallow recipe:
boil water. in meantime, fill cup to the top with marshmallows. pour packet of hot chocolate with marshmallows on top or marshmallows. when water is boiling, pour slowly on top of marshmallows. you may only be able to get a few drops of water in there. its okay.
sit and ponder why marshmallows is spelled with an "a" and not and "e".
but im still upset about the inordinate amount of bullshit in my life. and the crazy thing is, even as i prep to deal with it all, i know its only going to get worse before it improves.
at times, im going to feel as if i am crazy. im going to have to admit i was wrong. but honestly, shit, most of the time, i don't think it was me. but we'll see.
shit.
i hate being an adult.
12 January 2008
slowly, surely
it took a minute to come back to you.
I never was one big on capitalization. i never understood why i needed to do it - everybody in this relationship (me and you) already knew how special you were to me.
i let little things get in the way - i was pissed cause i knew that Word wasn't, couldn't be what you really believed. i knew if anyone believes in equality, in truth and love, it had to be you. I just couldn't buy - or believe in - anything else.
i knew i couldn't be impure just because i am a woman. i knew that i was still beautiful even i am dark. i always left with this aching sense of incompleteness.
then in '92 - i really wondered if you existed. if so, how could you let one soul be so ... handicapped?
its true that you move in mysterious ways. i've learned so much in this world. i don't always internalize as quick or as much as i should. remember when i was so angry?
but out of everybody, you always had my back - you kept me sane, helped me really get into what i loved most - music. no one else may know, but we both do that truly, music. saved. my. life.
(you're making me realize that Baba Says Cool for Thought is the Truth (thanks shay-shay) That I need to pay as much attention to what goes in my ears as what I put in my mouth.)
...wash u was rough - i'm still trying to understand what more i am suppose to take from that, other than a diploma...
(selah)
and recently...recently... wow. you are amazing, huh? i prayed, begged, wrote till my heart bled for a guy like T. then i got him. and it wasn't what i really needed, huh? we learned, we parted amicably, but really, you made me sit down and ask myself, what is it that i really wanted?
what i really wanted was you.
i wanted a hug. that kind of hug that never ends, that has that slow-rub-and-pat-on-the-back part that really lets you fall apart. i needed someone to collapse into. i needed
need
assurance in my rapidly changing, expanding, evolving and sometimes-scary world that everything will be alright. and i was looking for it in all the wrong places. my friends had a little bit of it. the guys i dated had some, too, but it was never enough. i was still hurting. never everything that i needed all in one person.
i foolishly thought that maybe monogamy wasn't for me. that wasn't the issue.
you gave me a glimpse of true Love. and it humbles me even now to think how forgiving, how real, how great it can be. that its more than just between a man and woman (or a woman and woman or man and man)
that Love is accepting all forms of love.
that it means loving those that might not love you as much.
its honoring the You in them.
have you ever noticed that real love songs could be gospel songs as well?
i dedicate this to You.
I never was one big on capitalization. i never understood why i needed to do it - everybody in this relationship (me and you) already knew how special you were to me.
i let little things get in the way - i was pissed cause i knew that Word wasn't, couldn't be what you really believed. i knew if anyone believes in equality, in truth and love, it had to be you. I just couldn't buy - or believe in - anything else.
i knew i couldn't be impure just because i am a woman. i knew that i was still beautiful even i am dark. i always left with this aching sense of incompleteness.
then in '92 - i really wondered if you existed. if so, how could you let one soul be so ... handicapped?
its true that you move in mysterious ways. i've learned so much in this world. i don't always internalize as quick or as much as i should. remember when i was so angry?
but out of everybody, you always had my back - you kept me sane, helped me really get into what i loved most - music. no one else may know, but we both do that truly, music. saved. my. life.
(you're making me realize that Baba Says Cool for Thought is the Truth (thanks shay-shay) That I need to pay as much attention to what goes in my ears as what I put in my mouth.)
...wash u was rough - i'm still trying to understand what more i am suppose to take from that, other than a diploma...
(selah)
and recently...recently... wow. you are amazing, huh? i prayed, begged, wrote till my heart bled for a guy like T. then i got him. and it wasn't what i really needed, huh? we learned, we parted amicably, but really, you made me sit down and ask myself, what is it that i really wanted?
what i really wanted was you.
i wanted a hug. that kind of hug that never ends, that has that slow-rub-and-pat-on-the-back part that really lets you fall apart. i needed someone to collapse into. i needed
need
assurance in my rapidly changing, expanding, evolving and sometimes-scary world that everything will be alright. and i was looking for it in all the wrong places. my friends had a little bit of it. the guys i dated had some, too, but it was never enough. i was still hurting. never everything that i needed all in one person.
i foolishly thought that maybe monogamy wasn't for me. that wasn't the issue.
you gave me a glimpse of true Love. and it humbles me even now to think how forgiving, how real, how great it can be. that its more than just between a man and woman (or a woman and woman or man and man)
that Love is accepting all forms of love.
that it means loving those that might not love you as much.
its honoring the You in them.
have you ever noticed that real love songs could be gospel songs as well?
i dedicate this to You.
08 January 2008
they just kinda seem to jump out of me...
today was just one of those days. i'm trying this new thing of being emotional - when the situation is safe, actually letting myself feel. but its been hard - its a scary thing to just let them seep out, not knowing what shape they will take once out, and how they will be received.'
all this to say i had a hard day at school. during a discussion about the presidential candidates and their stances, we got on the issue of race and education. at first, i felt leery but excited - my mentor (an awesome awesome awesome white man) jumped at the chance to talk about affirmative action, racial precedences, etc.
then that one comment came.
"my advisory leader told me that our school is suffering from affirmative action. she said that we are letting in unqualified students who are lowering our prestige"
this comment seeped out amongst the cacophony of voices that is my average ninth-grade-class day. i heard it. it registered. we moved on.
only later did i come back to it with my mentor:
"there are some teachers here that you just have to let go." shirk.
i let the emotion out...it was shirked... then i did something maybe dumb. i looked up my student's advisor. turned out to be a woman that invited me to her home. that i eat lunch with often. we joke, nudging shoulders and wagging eyebrows at each other in the hallway.
damn.
then to P- Academy. going through the same depressing neighborhood. the weather echoed my mood. i pulled my rain jacket closer, leaning into the wind as i walked to the school. i had to stop to take in the semblance of a school across the street - broken windows, collapsed doors, the weight of economics, race, and colored dreams and little kid giggles had, in their rush, pushed the doors off their hinges in a rush to cross the street into the newer building.
but walking into the classroom, i felt good. i had validation that my kids weren't "bad" or "hyper".
read: its wasn't because they were black that they were acting crazy. they were simply exhausted third graders here because they couldn't read as well as MO said they should.
instead of yelling, thumping heads and snatching kids into the hallway for our "discussions", i laughed, giggled with them, tickled them into submission with my wishes for them to do the assignment.
memories:
little girl hands and nappy curls
...as i sat collecting papers, one little girl edged closer and closer to me as i helped a little boy spell. she tentatively rested her hand on my shoulder. i did nothing - just kept working with the little boy. she cautiously placed both hands in my hair, then felt her own straightened-in-need-of-a-touch-up hair. she massaged her hands into my fro, patted it back into place, and walked slowly away to play with some blocks...
a good kind of contagious
... s, a round, pudgy dark brown boy who knows that donny hathaway was the original, not chris brown, launched into an announcement the way that third graders do - loudly, quickly and with and e.e. cummings approach to speaking - about how he wasn't gon be here tomorra cause im finna GO to the beach! imma have my sungl. glasses on and we gon'
go vis
it charley! "is charley your cousin?" NAW! Ms. ... mscross he my friend!!
and he launches into this giggle. this giggle that warmed something inside of me so quick that a giggle escaped my lips before i knew it. this only fueled his own giggles as he rocked forward and back. others around him giggle with surprised expressions, not knowing why they must laugh, but accepting it. its such a beautiful sight that i want to cry - this unimpeded, unapologetic, un-self-conscious laugh that grips the class and stays, floating above our circle of block-building.
little girl hands of a different color
...earlier, at my job, i began observation of the lower school. the JK kids. r had watched me since i entered and decided without my knowledge to make me her friend. she came over and, with the softest touch, rubbed my arm. not a "does-it-rub-off" question, but a simple statement - "you are nice. come play with me". a comforting embrace, she pulled me to help color her purple and yellow giraffe. she continued these innocent brushes, and finally ended just resting on me as we watched some of her classmates play in the kitchen cooking "warm winter foods"...
why can't it always be like that between us?
all this to say i had a hard day at school. during a discussion about the presidential candidates and their stances, we got on the issue of race and education. at first, i felt leery but excited - my mentor (an awesome awesome awesome white man) jumped at the chance to talk about affirmative action, racial precedences, etc.
then that one comment came.
"my advisory leader told me that our school is suffering from affirmative action. she said that we are letting in unqualified students who are lowering our prestige"
this comment seeped out amongst the cacophony of voices that is my average ninth-grade-class day. i heard it. it registered. we moved on.
only later did i come back to it with my mentor:
"there are some teachers here that you just have to let go." shirk.
i let the emotion out...it was shirked... then i did something maybe dumb. i looked up my student's advisor. turned out to be a woman that invited me to her home. that i eat lunch with often. we joke, nudging shoulders and wagging eyebrows at each other in the hallway.
damn.
then to P- Academy. going through the same depressing neighborhood. the weather echoed my mood. i pulled my rain jacket closer, leaning into the wind as i walked to the school. i had to stop to take in the semblance of a school across the street - broken windows, collapsed doors, the weight of economics, race, and colored dreams and little kid giggles had, in their rush, pushed the doors off their hinges in a rush to cross the street into the newer building.
but walking into the classroom, i felt good. i had validation that my kids weren't "bad" or "hyper".
read: its wasn't because they were black that they were acting crazy. they were simply exhausted third graders here because they couldn't read as well as MO said they should.
instead of yelling, thumping heads and snatching kids into the hallway for our "discussions", i laughed, giggled with them, tickled them into submission with my wishes for them to do the assignment.
memories:
little girl hands and nappy curls
...as i sat collecting papers, one little girl edged closer and closer to me as i helped a little boy spell. she tentatively rested her hand on my shoulder. i did nothing - just kept working with the little boy. she cautiously placed both hands in my hair, then felt her own straightened-in-need-of-a-touch-up hair. she massaged her hands into my fro, patted it back into place, and walked slowly away to play with some blocks...
a good kind of contagious
... s, a round, pudgy dark brown boy who knows that donny hathaway was the original, not chris brown, launched into an announcement the way that third graders do - loudly, quickly and with and e.e. cummings approach to speaking - about how he wasn't gon be here tomorra cause im finna GO to the beach! imma have my sungl. glasses on and we gon'
go vis
it charley! "is charley your cousin?" NAW! Ms. ... mscross he my friend!!
and he launches into this giggle. this giggle that warmed something inside of me so quick that a giggle escaped my lips before i knew it. this only fueled his own giggles as he rocked forward and back. others around him giggle with surprised expressions, not knowing why they must laugh, but accepting it. its such a beautiful sight that i want to cry - this unimpeded, unapologetic, un-self-conscious laugh that grips the class and stays, floating above our circle of block-building.
little girl hands of a different color
...earlier, at my job, i began observation of the lower school. the JK kids. r had watched me since i entered and decided without my knowledge to make me her friend. she came over and, with the softest touch, rubbed my arm. not a "does-it-rub-off" question, but a simple statement - "you are nice. come play with me". a comforting embrace, she pulled me to help color her purple and yellow giraffe. she continued these innocent brushes, and finally ended just resting on me as we watched some of her classmates play in the kitchen cooking "warm winter foods"...
why can't it always be like that between us?
20 December 2007
when did i become the privileged?
i just finished reading this
and watching this
please, watch it before you finish reading this.
i'll wait.
i'm confused. hurt. ignorant. privileged. struck silent
she said “I wish that all these people, particularly from out of town, would just leave us alone and let us improve our city.” and i wonder about motives. i know i've been struggling lately with this - i want to help my black people. in my mind, i see poor black children. i want them to have the same opportunities as the kids at my current school. but then i go, and i wonder if i have it all wrong. if i should let them shape their own dream. if they don't need help. maybe this is their life and they are happy here.
i know when i was growing up, i didn't think i was poor. no, we didn't buy hella expensive clothes, but that taught me morals and values that i think a lot of my kids at M- miss out on this.
poverty isn't a good thing. but the values it teaches you are (?)
then i cruise home from P-A- and pass all these young black boys on the street. hoodies. swagger. posted. who am i to think that they are all thugs? when did i begin to buy into the stereotypes of my people?
with all this diversity, are the problems still the same?
people ask what happen to the civil rights movements of the 60s. time. time happened to them - it doesn't make sense to protest with marches when you can reach more people on youtube.
if the fight has changed, what happened to the problem? is it the same?
all this convoluted rambling to get to this: i have always been fascinated with the projects. in school, in the media, it was where REAL black people lived. it was the epitome of Blackness - scary, hidden, dark, sequestered away from mainstream yet the subject of study by the masses.
but in my personal life, i knew people from there. i've been there. never lived there, but i saw something different - a sense of community. people repping sets. violence was comparable to views of racism in the north and south- like the south, race, like violence, was visceral and flagrant. not to say there wasn't violence elsewhere in the city, but it was hushed in the daily news, like racism in the north - its virulent, but quietly avoided so that you just remain in a state of paranoia - was that racist? or was it because i am young? or a woman? was s/he just having a bad day?
and n.o. wants to tear them down. part of me says sure, people shouldn't have to live stacked on each other. we already see that projects don't work for so many reasons - give subsidies to people and build houses - let them rent-to-own so they have ownership over their pieces. a neo-40 acre and a mule promise.
but another side questions my motives - do i have a right to give a go ahead to knock down houses? would this be happening in a richer part of town? do i even have a right to speak with all this privilege surrounding me?
why did rebuilding take so long to reach this part of town anyways? its been damn near two years. but they can still have mardi gras 6 months after the hurricane.
why do i have so many questions and not enough answers?
do you ever have the thoughts in your head but lack the words to accurately express them? there is so much missing from this - the cadence, the shadows and bass notes that only feelings and pictures can capture.thats the problem - i get to have a voice, and they - the project residents, the boys in the hoodies, the kids in my P-A- classroom - don't. and damn - mine isn't even all that loud yet.
14 December 2007
we've been having this conversation about Them.
you know, the unidentified scholars of the world that know everything...
"you know, they say you are suppose to wait thirty minutes after you eat before you swim."
"they say that you are suppose to drink 8 glasses of water a day."
well, i am also convinced that it is because of them that i attempt to blend in. don't stick out. its okay for others to blow your horn, but you can't ever admit, yourself, that you are special.
they say that means you are a conceited person.
they say that's how Echo died. How Narcissus died as well.
but i think i might be, well, unique. Or maybe just sleep deprived. here's why.
In bed with the boy (this is PG, i promise!) just randomly talking like we do when we wake up (when i wake him up) randomly at night. I had just drifted off and slipped into a disturbing dream.
a man walked into the apartmet. "do you here that?" "yea" "well, aren't you going to do something?" the man walks into the bedroom, and all i hear is plastic. this squishing plastic rustles as he bends over the bed to grab me...
i slip into a magnified view of the bible. the pages flip backwards past second Timothy to the First Timothy.. verse 5 sticks in my head.
here are the verses.
you know, the unidentified scholars of the world that know everything...
"you know, they say you are suppose to wait thirty minutes after you eat before you swim."
"they say that you are suppose to drink 8 glasses of water a day."
well, i am also convinced that it is because of them that i attempt to blend in. don't stick out. its okay for others to blow your horn, but you can't ever admit, yourself, that you are special.
they say that means you are a conceited person.
they say that's how Echo died. How Narcissus died as well.
but i think i might be, well, unique. Or maybe just sleep deprived. here's why.
In bed with the boy (this is PG, i promise!) just randomly talking like we do when we wake up (when i wake him up) randomly at night. I had just drifted off and slipped into a disturbing dream.
a man walked into the apartmet. "do you here that?" "yea" "well, aren't you going to do something?" the man walks into the bedroom, and all i hear is plastic. this squishing plastic rustles as he bends over the bed to grab me...
i slip into a magnified view of the bible. the pages flip backwards past second Timothy to the First Timothy.. verse 5 sticks in my head.
here are the verses.
1 Timothy 1
1Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the command of God our Savior and of Christ Jesus our hope,
2To Timothy my true son in the faith:
Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord.
Warning Against False Teachers of the Law
3As I urged you when I went into Macedonia, stay there in Ephesus so that you may command certain men not to teach false doctrines any longer 4nor to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies. These promote controversies rather than God's work—which is by faith. 5The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. 6Some have wandered away from these and turned to meaningless talk. 7They want to be teachers of the law, but they do not know what they are talking about or what they so confidently affirm.
i remember from my dream something about teaching.
i've never read this book of the bible in my life.
...
13 December 2007
mini thoughts as i work on mini-term classes
1. you ever know the woman you want to be
but
keep making the same choices
because
you don't know any better?
(think about it)
2. i've lost my passion - its not that. i just haven't had time to be passionate. that's a stable person's luxury.
3. i have these to-do lists, but i never get them done...yet i find myself free enough to blog...
4. who do i trust? how do i know when its "safe"? once trust is established, can you trust that that trust won't be broken? and if not, then what's the point?
5. i can't find my observation notes. damn.
but
keep making the same choices
because
you don't know any better?
(think about it)
2. i've lost my passion - its not that. i just haven't had time to be passionate. that's a stable person's luxury.
3. i have these to-do lists, but i never get them done...yet i find myself free enough to blog...
4. who do i trust? how do i know when its "safe"? once trust is established, can you trust that that trust won't be broken? and if not, then what's the point?
5. i can't find my observation notes. damn.
07 December 2007
to be an american
this is pretty good...all the candidates are interesting in their own behalfs... i heard huckabee talk about religion/the bible and was pretty supportive of what he said (what!! a black person actually agreeing with a republican?!?!?!)
but no really, this weekend, its all about catching up on politics for me. its like sports - their is already this HUGE following, and its daunting to try to jump into the mix - there is so much i have to learn, so many things that are just unspoken, assumed knowledge...
but hey, i like challenges.
where are we going? i mean, as a country? what matters to us? can their even be an us with so much .... freedom? so much ... diversity? or is belief in that what binds us together?
how do you balance those things - i love my freedom, and my choice, and diversity - but what unites me with someone in this country whose values are completely different, albeit allowed because i believe that everyone has a right to believe in what they believe, then my own, other than this superficial belief in "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness"?
who has the right to police morals? values? belief?
but no really, this weekend, its all about catching up on politics for me. its like sports - their is already this HUGE following, and its daunting to try to jump into the mix - there is so much i have to learn, so many things that are just unspoken, assumed knowledge...
but hey, i like challenges.
where are we going? i mean, as a country? what matters to us? can their even be an us with so much .... freedom? so much ... diversity? or is belief in that what binds us together?
how do you balance those things - i love my freedom, and my choice, and diversity - but what unites me with someone in this country whose values are completely different, albeit allowed because i believe that everyone has a right to believe in what they believe, then my own, other than this superficial belief in "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness"?
who has the right to police morals? values? belief?
28 November 2007
feeling under the weather
i just had an great conversation with the alumni relations office at my school about leading some events to include and strengthen bonds with the black alums of our school, one of which would be a wine tasting soiree. i was feeling under the weather as i padded heavily down the grey-carpeted hallways, passing other new teachers working in large, natural-lit lounge area, carrying everything i would need for my conference in boston:
binders? check.
notebook? check.
pens, paper, laptop? check
i was nervous about meeting and working with my new students at P- Academy - they are 3rd graders - am i still patient enough to work with young ones? i need to stop by walgreens to pick up more sudafed.
i jumped on the highway that took me from one of stl's richest subrubs to one of its poorest areas. i watched the landscape change from the green, reds and browns of fall to the greys of concrete. i was no stranger to these streets - i always cruise a new city the moment i move so that i am never really lost. its important to start the process of understanding the flavor of the city, i think.
exit. turn right. i make the turn into what appears to be a normal middle class neighborhood. huge house...smaller lawns, but still there...no trees, though
make a left. there used to be a house on that corner. i can tell from the rubble.
why is that house boarded up? its seems perfectly usable...
the suburban woman in me retreats as working class sensibility emerges. drive like you know where you are going. turn off the happy, turn on the focus.
make a right. where is the school? oh lord. this is the school...
i walk past noticeably tired adults trudging to their cars, empty coffee mugs in hands, burden with more than just their heavy bags announcing random conferences they've attended in the past. teachers. there is inevitably one white teacher. young, fresh, but the tint of tired coats him like a thin film.
the school is a mammoth gothic structure surrounded by crumpled concrete. as i park, i notice a house in front of me and the dogs barking in the barely fenced in yard. across the street, older teens are standing, wrapped in what looks like a blanket, as small kids run towards them, laughing. the air is electric with the energy that always surrounds elementary schools.
i walk up to the school door... locked. i bang the thick glass and iron door until i catch the attention of the custodian - "where is ... mrs. b's room" a cacophony of voices hit me at once -
"you don't say it like that!"..."the office is up dere! go dat way!"...
just go on up the steps, miss, and that lady will help you says the man with the badge.
i recognize another teacher who grabs a student to lead me to my new protegees.
they are so needy. so small. so bright eyed and so young. i find myself calling them "baby" and "sweetheart". "when were you born?" "1999."
i feel so old. at 22, i feel so old.
the classroom we are assigned to is so old. crumbling walls. bars on the windows (who would break into a school?) i look out - not at all the bucolic setting i am used to seeing.
the teachers are so harsh. so tired. i wonder why they try to harness the energy instead of letting it bubble and gurgle like kids should be able to do.
they flock to me "am i in your group?" "no" "can i be?" i am adopted against my will, my hand no longer my own but wrapped in a small cocoa one. "come be line leader with me"
after 30 minutes we settle enough to administer the diagnostic test. "johnny is feeling under the weather. bubble the correct letter under the picture that i have just described"
my adopted one shoots her hand in the air. all 7 pencils are paused as she asks:
"what does under the weather mean? "
i realize the bias in the test - these are middle class, suburban, white phrases. where people have the luxury of being under the weather. of creating new ways of looking at life.
"keira has just had her hair braided. bubble the correct letter under the picture that i have just described"
i hear nothing but confident scribbles. everyone got that one right.
...
we finish early and let them eat snack. line up: walkers in one, bus riders in another. we walk out the door and i see a student walking up the steps. fashionably dressed in cinched-at-the-ankle sweats, air force one tennis shoes and a baby phat jacket, all gold. i go to tell her to get in line but before i can say a word she takes her hood off.
her hair is platinum blond, natural, in a low fro.
one of my kids, baring striking resemblance to her runs up to her, smiling
"mommy!"
there is no time to recover as another woman enters from stage left. i notice her tattoo on her neck and her ill-fitted quick weave. she has on grey work outfit - heavily starched thick pants and a well-worn jacket.
"mommy"
they both are no older than myself. i wonder.
selah, is this another one of your lessons for me?
the school is a mammoth gothic structure surrounded by crumpled concrete. as i leave, i notice a house in front of me and the dogs barking in the barely fenced in yard. across the street, parents are standing, wrapped in what looks like a blanket, as small kids run towards them, laughing. the air is electric with the energy that always surrounds elementary schools.
(bubble the correct letter under the picture that i have just described.)
more collapsed houses. more young people than old. more used than brand new.
the neighborhood morphs from greys back to greens, reds and browns. and i wonder just how far have i come. and how far do i have to go.
binders? check.
notebook? check.
pens, paper, laptop? check
i was nervous about meeting and working with my new students at P- Academy - they are 3rd graders - am i still patient enough to work with young ones? i need to stop by walgreens to pick up more sudafed.
i jumped on the highway that took me from one of stl's richest subrubs to one of its poorest areas. i watched the landscape change from the green, reds and browns of fall to the greys of concrete. i was no stranger to these streets - i always cruise a new city the moment i move so that i am never really lost. its important to start the process of understanding the flavor of the city, i think.
exit. turn right. i make the turn into what appears to be a normal middle class neighborhood. huge house...smaller lawns, but still there...no trees, though
make a left. there used to be a house on that corner. i can tell from the rubble.
why is that house boarded up? its seems perfectly usable...
the suburban woman in me retreats as working class sensibility emerges. drive like you know where you are going. turn off the happy, turn on the focus.
make a right. where is the school? oh lord. this is the school...
i walk past noticeably tired adults trudging to their cars, empty coffee mugs in hands, burden with more than just their heavy bags announcing random conferences they've attended in the past. teachers. there is inevitably one white teacher. young, fresh, but the tint of tired coats him like a thin film.
the school is a mammoth gothic structure surrounded by crumpled concrete. as i park, i notice a house in front of me and the dogs barking in the barely fenced in yard. across the street, older teens are standing, wrapped in what looks like a blanket, as small kids run towards them, laughing. the air is electric with the energy that always surrounds elementary schools.
i walk up to the school door... locked. i bang the thick glass and iron door until i catch the attention of the custodian - "where is ... mrs. b's room" a cacophony of voices hit me at once -
"you don't say it like that!"..."the office is up dere! go dat way!"...
just go on up the steps, miss, and that lady will help you says the man with the badge.
i recognize another teacher who grabs a student to lead me to my new protegees.
they are so needy. so small. so bright eyed and so young. i find myself calling them "baby" and "sweetheart". "when were you born?" "1999."
i feel so old. at 22, i feel so old.
the classroom we are assigned to is so old. crumbling walls. bars on the windows (who would break into a school?) i look out - not at all the bucolic setting i am used to seeing.
the teachers are so harsh. so tired. i wonder why they try to harness the energy instead of letting it bubble and gurgle like kids should be able to do.
they flock to me "am i in your group?" "no" "can i be?" i am adopted against my will, my hand no longer my own but wrapped in a small cocoa one. "come be line leader with me"
after 30 minutes we settle enough to administer the diagnostic test. "johnny is feeling under the weather. bubble the correct letter under the picture that i have just described"
my adopted one shoots her hand in the air. all 7 pencils are paused as she asks:
"what does under the weather mean? "
i realize the bias in the test - these are middle class, suburban, white phrases. where people have the luxury of being under the weather. of creating new ways of looking at life.
"keira has just had her hair braided. bubble the correct letter under the picture that i have just described"
i hear nothing but confident scribbles. everyone got that one right.
...
we finish early and let them eat snack. line up: walkers in one, bus riders in another. we walk out the door and i see a student walking up the steps. fashionably dressed in cinched-at-the-ankle sweats, air force one tennis shoes and a baby phat jacket, all gold. i go to tell her to get in line but before i can say a word she takes her hood off.
her hair is platinum blond, natural, in a low fro.
one of my kids, baring striking resemblance to her runs up to her, smiling
"mommy!"
there is no time to recover as another woman enters from stage left. i notice her tattoo on her neck and her ill-fitted quick weave. she has on grey work outfit - heavily starched thick pants and a well-worn jacket.
"mommy"
they both are no older than myself. i wonder.
selah, is this another one of your lessons for me?
the school is a mammoth gothic structure surrounded by crumpled concrete. as i leave, i notice a house in front of me and the dogs barking in the barely fenced in yard. across the street, parents are standing, wrapped in what looks like a blanket, as small kids run towards them, laughing. the air is electric with the energy that always surrounds elementary schools.
(bubble the correct letter under the picture that i have just described.)
more collapsed houses. more young people than old. more used than brand new.
the neighborhood morphs from greys back to greens, reds and browns. and i wonder just how far have i come. and how far do i have to go.
14 October 2007
sometimes deliciously so...
"sticks and stones may break my bones
but tears don't leave any scars"
-madeline peyroux
so i'm reading quirkyalone and got to the chapter called quirkytogether and i got a little hopeful...
i value my alone time. i love doing what i just did before i got up and decided to blog a bit - i sat in bed, reading, wrapped in my down comforter with the window open, listening to great music ( suba is playing now) and i completely understand the idea that
"if loneliness is about lack, solitude is the opposite, a feeling of being whole, sometimes deliciously so"
after my date last night, i felt an old me finally stepping up to claim her rightful place in my psych. the one that was called weird and odd for the past four years. the one who went into hiding at wash u to protect herself from any MORE damage. the one scribbled furtively away in the dim cellphone light of a darkened sleep-ridden shared dorm room so as not to wake the roommate.
this love is a deliciously so kinda reintroduction. the kind that won't accept any preludes.
but tears don't leave any scars"
-madeline peyroux
so i'm reading quirkyalone and got to the chapter called quirkytogether and i got a little hopeful...
i value my alone time. i love doing what i just did before i got up and decided to blog a bit - i sat in bed, reading, wrapped in my down comforter with the window open, listening to great music ( suba is playing now) and i completely understand the idea that
"if loneliness is about lack, solitude is the opposite, a feeling of being whole, sometimes deliciously so"
after my date last night, i felt an old me finally stepping up to claim her rightful place in my psych. the one that was called weird and odd for the past four years. the one who went into hiding at wash u to protect herself from any MORE damage. the one scribbled furtively away in the dim cellphone light of a darkened sleep-ridden shared dorm room so as not to wake the roommate.
this love is a deliciously so kinda reintroduction. the kind that won't accept any preludes.
06 October 2007
stepping
so i just quit two of three jobs. the two part time ones - i'm not that insane.
and swear, i saw the monkey jump off my back and walk out my door.
i am done.
done with work at 3.
done with fallbacks. i gotta step up. i can live off of what i make - there is no reason for me to be tripping on money when im not hurting.
i have to stop settling...no first, i have to let old shit go. so i didn't have the best opportunities handed to me. so i didn't go to the best school. i went to college. i went to a damn good college. and i got a great job.
so i have all this opportunity and i don't really know how to make the best of it - what happens when you have stole the master's tools and you don't know how to use them to destroy the house? didn't anticipate this, but it just means more learning. more reading to know what so few others came into this world knowing already. i have to keep shit in perspective - im striving to be in the top ten percent - the cream of the educational, financial , economic crop. its going to take some work, and even if i don't have someone validating my every decision, i have to trust myself that yea, i am a smart girl, and i can make rational decisions.
with that, back to settling.
i have to stop settling. i have to believe that i can do better - when it comes to careers, i am at least qualified to be manager, if not the damn director of whatever job i apply to! it doesn't matter that i am young - i am smart, inquisitive, and a leader. i get shit done.
i have to believe i can do better with men. i know that i am a catch; i've been told more than once. so when a guy comes around and treats me like anything less, its not my job to school him, but it is my responsibility to myself to let him go his own way while i continue to keep my standards. even if i haven't seen what i want, i know it exist, and thats all i can hope for. i must continue to hold myself down, and when i want a mister right, be ready to recognize ripe fruit because i am already familiar with it through myself.
its time to step it up.
and swear, i saw the monkey jump off my back and walk out my door.
i am done.
done with work at 3.
done with fallbacks. i gotta step up. i can live off of what i make - there is no reason for me to be tripping on money when im not hurting.
i have to stop settling...no first, i have to let old shit go. so i didn't have the best opportunities handed to me. so i didn't go to the best school. i went to college. i went to a damn good college. and i got a great job.
so i have all this opportunity and i don't really know how to make the best of it - what happens when you have stole the master's tools and you don't know how to use them to destroy the house? didn't anticipate this, but it just means more learning. more reading to know what so few others came into this world knowing already. i have to keep shit in perspective - im striving to be in the top ten percent - the cream of the educational, financial , economic crop. its going to take some work, and even if i don't have someone validating my every decision, i have to trust myself that yea, i am a smart girl, and i can make rational decisions.
with that, back to settling.
i have to stop settling. i have to believe that i can do better - when it comes to careers, i am at least qualified to be manager, if not the damn director of whatever job i apply to! it doesn't matter that i am young - i am smart, inquisitive, and a leader. i get shit done.
i have to believe i can do better with men. i know that i am a catch; i've been told more than once. so when a guy comes around and treats me like anything less, its not my job to school him, but it is my responsibility to myself to let him go his own way while i continue to keep my standards. even if i haven't seen what i want, i know it exist, and thats all i can hope for. i must continue to hold myself down, and when i want a mister right, be ready to recognize ripe fruit because i am already familiar with it through myself.
its time to step it up.
04 October 2007
ramblings of a sick girl
having strep can drive you crazy...or just give you the space to think.
so i have to stay home until i am done with the meds. imma have a lot of time to think.
like these thoughts -
i've always been under the assumption that we were the revolutionaries. that black people were the ones on the front line doing all the dirt, getting the gold medal of the oppression olympics. but i stumbled upon a movie i saw a loooooooong time ago - the incredible story of two girls in love. leave it to me to notice a side note of the movie - the mail girl, randy, lives with a bunch of women, and they all eat organic. this move was made in 1995. dude, i just GOT on organic. my point is this - when you step out of the mainstream, your always seen as weird, but most of the time, your just way before your time. like 12 years before. and maybe, we - black people, the glbtqia movement, etc - have some thing to learn from each other. maybe one revolution didn't open the doors for another, but our collective pushing got it to budge and we just pulled each other through.
leave it to me to run with a metaphor.
also just got done watching evan almighty - i have NOTHING to do this early in the morning - and learned another valuable lesson. maybe, when you pray to God for something, he doesn't give you what you asked, but the opportunity to achieve. you pray for patience, he gives you a chance to be patient. you pray for strength, he gives you a chance to be strong. he gives you the chance to recognize the God in you.
that makes sense considering how often i've had deja vu lately - like maybe i've lived through something in my own life, then i see a friend going through the same issues, so i get a chance to watch and learn from another perspective. maybe that's whats going on...
so i have to stay home until i am done with the meds. imma have a lot of time to think.
like these thoughts -
i've always been under the assumption that we were the revolutionaries. that black people were the ones on the front line doing all the dirt, getting the gold medal of the oppression olympics. but i stumbled upon a movie i saw a loooooooong time ago - the incredible story of two girls in love. leave it to me to notice a side note of the movie - the mail girl, randy, lives with a bunch of women, and they all eat organic. this move was made in 1995. dude, i just GOT on organic. my point is this - when you step out of the mainstream, your always seen as weird, but most of the time, your just way before your time. like 12 years before. and maybe, we - black people, the glbtqia movement, etc - have some thing to learn from each other. maybe one revolution didn't open the doors for another, but our collective pushing got it to budge and we just pulled each other through.
leave it to me to run with a metaphor.
also just got done watching evan almighty - i have NOTHING to do this early in the morning - and learned another valuable lesson. maybe, when you pray to God for something, he doesn't give you what you asked, but the opportunity to achieve. you pray for patience, he gives you a chance to be patient. you pray for strength, he gives you a chance to be strong. he gives you the chance to recognize the God in you.
that makes sense considering how often i've had deja vu lately - like maybe i've lived through something in my own life, then i see a friend going through the same issues, so i get a chance to watch and learn from another perspective. maybe that's whats going on...
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