got a flashback to my birthday... and that weekend... and although it was fun, i wish i could have been then who i am becoming now. like, i wish you could read this and realize that yeah, i was who i was then because of what i was going through, but that's not all that i could be. i wish i had a chance to say more - not quite sure why, just wish i did.
---
my most recent prayers:
God, please help me be who i am in my my honest hours at all times
God, please keep me in the moment
God, please help me with this patience thing - apparently its a quality you intend for me to have
---
who knew loneliness could be this damn lonely? who knew friendships post-structured settings (school) would come so randomly? but a part of me is telling me not to worry - that my need is not based in reality (but the pain is so gnawingly painful, God). that all good things are in my future (thanks ricky).
---
"you are going through so much. and each is so weighty and massive, t. anyone who doesn't understand why you don't call, especially now, doesn't deserve to be called 'friend'".
thank you so much for that - i thought it was just me.
---
some people i really just shouldn't have re-befriended. some things maybe should have been left as they were. some things should have an 'easy' button, while others wouldn't have been as good as they are if they did. and some i need to re-friend instead of just reading their facebook page every once in a while.
ever feel that way?
this isn't all - i just don't have the words yet to quantify all this tumult.
06 June 2011
02 June 2011
i needed this
i walked into my mother's house, caked with the dirt of our field trip to the garden. i was exhausted, and granted a brief reprieve to shower while my aunt watched m. i scrubbed, soaped and emerged a cleaner but still tired me.
then lo and behold.
my macbook pro had arrived. a week early.
i needed this.
i truly believed in reincarnation, and in a previous life i am sure i was a true QUEEN* (two snaps and a circle). i know this because when i realized the large package on the table belonged to moi, i screamed, did a little dance as i explained my instant energizing joy to onlookers.
*I definitely believe in past lives. i am sure i died in the civil rights movement, lived in India, and was a gay, white interior decorator named Franz. Franz actually visits frequently, hence the awesome color scheme in my home - i definitely couldn't have done that as the current me.
i am still not in my house, but at least it will be the most watertight home on the street by the time its all over. i got my new macbook pro, which makes me oh so happy to have my own computer. this is the funniest story i have read in a while (please check the pictures). my son and i are going to dinner in a few, and i can't wait for our date.
yay me :-) yay life :-)
( if you don't have a macbook pro, then you don't have a macbook pro.)
(i had to say it!! the commercial is so true!!!!!)
then lo and behold.
my macbook pro had arrived. a week early.
i needed this.
i truly believed in reincarnation, and in a previous life i am sure i was a true QUEEN* (two snaps and a circle). i know this because when i realized the large package on the table belonged to moi, i screamed, did a little dance as i explained my instant energizing joy to onlookers.
*I definitely believe in past lives. i am sure i died in the civil rights movement, lived in India, and was a gay, white interior decorator named Franz. Franz actually visits frequently, hence the awesome color scheme in my home - i definitely couldn't have done that as the current me.
i am still not in my house, but at least it will be the most watertight home on the street by the time its all over. i got my new macbook pro, which makes me oh so happy to have my own computer. this is the funniest story i have read in a while (please check the pictures). my son and i are going to dinner in a few, and i can't wait for our date.
yay me :-) yay life :-)
( if you don't have a macbook pro, then you don't have a macbook pro.)
(i had to say it!! the commercial is so true!!!!!)
05 May 2011
woooo Lord...
"I always thought insanity would be a dark, bitter feeling, but it is drenching and delicious if you really roll around in it."
— Kathryn Stockett (The Help)
it's been that kind of hour/day/week/month/year. Feel free to substitute length of time as applicable.
— Kathryn Stockett (The Help)
it's been that kind of hour/day/week/month/year. Feel free to substitute length of time as applicable.
12 April 2011
proving that skinny girls can cook, one dish at a time
i'm finally beginning to feel better - even in the face of my wall-cave-in-catastrophe.
perhaps its because i am in a place that nurtured me from birth, around women who have cared for me since they've known me. my mother's kitchen is a welcoming place, so no wonder my love of cooking is slowly coming back.
on tonight's menu: herb-crusted pork loin, bacon and mozzarella mashed potatoes, and veggies
playlist - itunes genius mix based on "love ultra" by dwele
turned out pretty tasty - yay for good cooking! dessert - gourmet cupcakes from baked and wired cause it takes a special kind of "inspiration" to make truly great food :)
perhaps its because i am in a place that nurtured me from birth, around women who have cared for me since they've known me. my mother's kitchen is a welcoming place, so no wonder my love of cooking is slowly coming back.
on tonight's menu: herb-crusted pork loin, bacon and mozzarella mashed potatoes, and veggies
playlist - itunes genius mix based on "love ultra" by dwele
 |
| crusting the pork loin - salt, pepper, and ... seasonings. i cook by smell, so i just grab, sprinkle, and smell. mixed a little wine and water and poured beneath, so it has something to hydrate it while baking. |
 |
| m cooked his own meal, using his animal puzzle pieces |
 |
| potatoes on the boil - i don't do the flakes; gotta have the real thing |
 |
| m was excited when he saw they camera |
 |
| bacon and mozzarella |
 |
| mixing in the goodness |
 |
| yeah, nothing fancy here - but they sure are tasty, delicious and nutritious |
 |
| the cooked loin - yay! so tasty! |
 |
| the new moscato - chenin blanc |
 |
| so i had a consultant... its not really cheating cause she's my grandma, is it? :-) |
turned out pretty tasty - yay for good cooking! dessert - gourmet cupcakes from baked and wired cause it takes a special kind of "inspiration" to make truly great food :)
10 April 2011
re(memories) towards a familiar future
a toast to them, a toast to us
to kp-
who would call mornings, on the way to school, at school, during class, after school
just to see what’s crackin’.
to spontaneous love
only the way teenagers can make.
to catching the bus 45 minutes to see me
every day
of every week
even on sundays
(and you know how the bus runs on sunday).
To his family who accepted me for who I was -
to not being called weird.
to cb –
who bought me a gift
hanging it on the rearview mirror
daring to shine as brightly in the sun
as his smile.
to walking in the park
and talking in images.
to cooking great food
and getting the cat high.
to ao'h –
who remembered.
who made me a birthday cake – from scratch
who flew me in a plane – so that i could see the city
who made reservations in the best restaurant with the best view – because i love food
who had coffee and cake for desert – because i mentioned i loved coffee once, six months previous
to a man who I pray to this day finds the girl who can love him
as much as he deserves
plus some.
To hope, for hopeless romantics.
to ta –
whose kisses under the basketball court lights made me see sound
but were nothing
compared to the kisses later that night.
To honesty.
to ed –
a college grad
who made could make love, have sex, and fcuk – in one session - and that's no easy task
who knew my body better than i did
and took unbridled pleasure in exploring it with me.
who lack of self-consciousness
made it all so. much. fun.
who understood the importance of a compliment.
who massaged me until i fell asleep on even my worse night.
To forthrightness and acceptance.
to tt –
who read my textbooks for fun.
who worked to better himself.
who could listen to music from sunup to sundown
and knew the difference between
Miles and Coltrane (thanks, jm)
who made grey days bright.
who wasn’t afraid to give me a key.
To the shared consciousness that is music
To cm –
Who made me laugh.
Who knew the power in a great tasting meal.
Who wasn't afraid to dance in tighties.
Who gave me my best joy in life - who gave me my best supporting role.
To intentional love.
To you –
Whom I have yet to meet
But who I wouldn’t recognize
Had it not been for them.
to kp-
who would call mornings, on the way to school, at school, during class, after school
just to see what’s crackin’.
to spontaneous love
only the way teenagers can make.
to catching the bus 45 minutes to see me
every day
of every week
even on sundays
(and you know how the bus runs on sunday).
To his family who accepted me for who I was -
to not being called weird.
i want a love that wants to love
that accepts as much as it desires.
to cb –
who bought me a gift
hanging it on the rearview mirror
daring to shine as brightly in the sun
as his smile.
to walking in the park
and talking in images.
to cooking great food
and getting the cat high.
i want a love that offers everyday gratitude
that revels in unselfish joy, and creates comfort in its nooks and crannies.
that revels in unselfish joy, and creates comfort in its nooks and crannies.
to ao'h –
who remembered.
who made me a birthday cake – from scratch
who flew me in a plane – so that i could see the city
who made reservations in the best restaurant with the best view – because i love food
who had coffee and cake for desert – because i mentioned i loved coffee once, six months previous
to a man who I pray to this day finds the girl who can love him
as much as he deserves
plus some.
To hope, for hopeless romantics.
i want a love that i can’t believe exist
that is still there, even after I pinch myself.
to ta –
whose kisses under the basketball court lights made me see sound
but were nothing
compared to the kisses later that night.
To honesty.
i want a love whose simplicity belies its passionate complexities
i want a love that makes me simmer before I erupt.
to ed –
a college grad
who made could make love, have sex, and fcuk – in one session - and that's no easy task
who knew my body better than i did
and took unbridled pleasure in exploring it with me.
who lack of self-consciousness
made it all so. much. fun.
who understood the importance of a compliment.
who massaged me until i fell asleep on even my worse night.
To forthrightness and acceptance.
i want an educated love
who will make me his lifetime’s best work
to tt –
who read my textbooks for fun.
who worked to better himself.
who could listen to music from sunup to sundown
and knew the difference between
Miles and Coltrane (thanks, jm)
who made grey days bright.
who wasn’t afraid to give me a key.
To the shared consciousness that is music
I want a musical love
Whose dynamics are timeless.
To cm –
Who made me laugh.
Who knew the power in a great tasting meal.
Who wasn't afraid to dance in tighties.
Who gave me my best joy in life - who gave me my best supporting role.
To intentional love.
I want a love that can be inherited
That will be told in future generations.
To you –
Whom I have yet to meet
But who I wouldn’t recognize
Had it not been for them.
23 February 2011
sick/and tired
left work early today because i am feeling so very ill ... definitely wish i had somebody to a)whine to and b)take care of me and the house - you know, finish the laundry, put up dinner, and all the other little stuff that i really don't feel up to doing but still need to be done. that's the sucky part about being a single mom (and there really aren't many, thank goodness) is that i have to be the adult and do all this mess... even when i am sick.. i still haven't gotten out to plow the driveway (and i don't think imma do it)
but laying under my new ikea duvet makes it all better :)
and if i could figure out how to split the directv cable to the bedroom, i could watch tv in bed, making this doubly enjoyable :)
.....
i was once asked where earwax comes from, and i responded its the body's way of blocking bullish that we hear everyday. guess this explains why i've run out of qtips - what the deuce is going on in the world? unions are losing their rights, pensions are getting sucked away, folks are rebelling via facebook and twitter, Gov. Kasich (why oh why was he elected? oh yeah, cause i live in a state with a bunch of...) is all "screw ALLL of yall - imma do what i want and keep working on getting rid of the middle class so that the rich can stay rich and the poor can become our servants bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" and then the proposed funding cuts of npr (my pesonal crack), education (cause we don't care about our children, just about blowing up insurgents in the mountains of afghanistan), and my personal favorite, planned parenthood.
- mounting my soap box -
firstly, if men got pregnant/had periods, then this wouldn't even be an issue. as t1 said, if men experienced periods, one week off per month with pay would be standard at every job. if they messed up and accidently ended up pregnant, then i bet not only would abortions be covered by insurance, but there wouldn't even be a copay.
but they don't. so here i stand - my ability to make decisions about my body are being sucked away by old people with penises who supposedly represent my interests. awesome.
secondly - i love all the layers of this argument. abortion is an intensely personal decision that stays with you for the rest of your life. please read "the lost baby poem" by gwendolyn brooks. please escort these women past people they don't know but who feel entitled enough to blurt hate at them into the clinic, and watch them sit alone - although they didn't get here alone - in those waiting rooms. watch them, fidgety hands unconciously rubbing their soon to be empty wombs. Enter the surgery rooms with them where they stick the cold metal duck bills between, vacuum out the one-night-stand, the oh-shit-the-condom-broke, the but-we-already-have-two-kids-dear, the i-really-do-want-you-little-one-but-just-not-now-so-please-come-back-later-please. hold their hand as they walk, wombs weeping blood in your grandmother's-sized pads into the waiting room. hold the big white cups for them as they vomit, due to the sedatives given to numb the physical pain. follow them back to their apartments, homes, condos - and watch them continue life, unable to talk to too many for fear of being judged.
thirdly - so she keeps the baby - and becomes the statistic. and is still judged. what could be more humbling than standing in line to plead for help because even though i work/am a college grad/am in school/trying to better myself i can't afford to provide for my son/daughter because i have money but not wealth/its a recession/my man can't get and keep a job/, so could you please help me?
okay, i'm done. apparently idle hands make me a thougthful girl.
- stepping down -
back to "modern family"
but laying under my new ikea duvet makes it all better :)
and if i could figure out how to split the directv cable to the bedroom, i could watch tv in bed, making this doubly enjoyable :)
.....
i was once asked where earwax comes from, and i responded its the body's way of blocking bullish that we hear everyday. guess this explains why i've run out of qtips - what the deuce is going on in the world? unions are losing their rights, pensions are getting sucked away, folks are rebelling via facebook and twitter, Gov. Kasich (why oh why was he elected? oh yeah, cause i live in a state with a bunch of...) is all "screw ALLL of yall - imma do what i want and keep working on getting rid of the middle class so that the rich can stay rich and the poor can become our servants bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" and then the proposed funding cuts of npr (my pesonal crack), education (cause we don't care about our children, just about blowing up insurgents in the mountains of afghanistan), and my personal favorite, planned parenthood.
- mounting my soap box -
firstly, if men got pregnant/had periods, then this wouldn't even be an issue. as t1 said, if men experienced periods, one week off per month with pay would be standard at every job. if they messed up and accidently ended up pregnant, then i bet not only would abortions be covered by insurance, but there wouldn't even be a copay.
but they don't. so here i stand - my ability to make decisions about my body are being sucked away by old people with penises who supposedly represent my interests. awesome.
secondly - i love all the layers of this argument. abortion is an intensely personal decision that stays with you for the rest of your life. please read "the lost baby poem" by gwendolyn brooks. please escort these women past people they don't know but who feel entitled enough to blurt hate at them into the clinic, and watch them sit alone - although they didn't get here alone - in those waiting rooms. watch them, fidgety hands unconciously rubbing their soon to be empty wombs. Enter the surgery rooms with them where they stick the cold metal duck bills between, vacuum out the one-night-stand, the oh-shit-the-condom-broke, the but-we-already-have-two-kids-dear, the i-really-do-want-you-little-one-but-just-not-now-so-please-come-back-later-please. hold their hand as they walk, wombs weeping blood in your grandmother's-sized pads into the waiting room. hold the big white cups for them as they vomit, due to the sedatives given to numb the physical pain. follow them back to their apartments, homes, condos - and watch them continue life, unable to talk to too many for fear of being judged.
thirdly - so she keeps the baby - and becomes the statistic. and is still judged. what could be more humbling than standing in line to plead for help because even though i work/am a college grad/am in school/trying to better myself i can't afford to provide for my son/daughter because i have money but not wealth/its a recession/my man can't get and keep a job/, so could you please help me?
okay, i'm done. apparently idle hands make me a thougthful girl.
- stepping down -
back to "modern family"
21 February 2011
la-la-la
im amazed that i can be falling in love with no one but myself - not in the conceited Kobe Bryant kinda way, but in a learning to love all of me period so i can love someone else eventually period kinda way. somersault by zero 7 just snuck up on me the way any good song does, then lookin' for another pure love by stevie wonder came and sat next to us, and here we are, harmonizing.
i was told once, when i was going through a rough time, that you have to allow yourself to feel all the emotions, not just the good ones. but this feeling of pure contentment and happiness is so overwhelming, i don't think i can contain it all
:)
i am in love with love. with the idea that we can see ourselves in others, outside of ourselves, within ourselves and allow for that harmony. that i can capture that feeling with music and share it with someone else - no words, just the feeling
...
fam
such a beautiful bad -ass
i was told once, when i was going through a rough time, that you have to allow yourself to feel all the emotions, not just the good ones. but this feeling of pure contentment and happiness is so overwhelming, i don't think i can contain it all
:)
i am in love with love. with the idea that we can see ourselves in others, outside of ourselves, within ourselves and allow for that harmony. that i can capture that feeling with music and share it with someone else - no words, just the feeling
...
fam
i love how you laugh with me at only 2 weeks old
such a beautiful bad -ass
t1 t2
13 February 2011
27 January 2011
i am not an independent woman
learning so many lessons so quickly. i have known many of them for a while, but i guess i just wasn't in the right space to listen to their truths.
#1 - be more humble.
i can say that i have done well in my life, but everyday i an instance where i can improve. where i can be better. where i can learn from someone else. its humbling. really. humbling. its so strange because i thought that i - the young black woman who has a great career, a home, her own car... - was a rarity. and we are - but you need so much more than all the superficial. i was working so hard to get the materials, and now that i have started to get them, i 1) no longer really want them and 2) see that there are other places in my life that i would rather focus more of my energy into. the thought of spending another dollar sickens me. i just want to hear some good music, do some yoga, chill with good people, love my baby, love someone else in a grown-up kinda way and call it a day :)
#2 - on this whole love thing
i got home last night and turned to nikki g. for some words to help me out. and of course - another beautiful coincidence happened. here is what God had to say through those words:
"we judge a man by his dreams
not alone his deeds
we judge a man by his intent
not alone by his shortcomings
we judge a man because it is not unusual
to know him through those who love him"
i turn to the beginning of the poem
the women gather (for joe strickland)
and i read more
so how do we judge a man
most of us love from our need to love not
because we find someone deserving
most of us forgive because we have trespassed not
because we are magnanimous
and increasingly salient
most of us comfort because we need comforting
our ancient rituals demand that we give
what we hope to receive
damn. so how will i act knowing all that i know now? once upon a time, i could make love and deny that it was love. i am not as arrogant anymore. i feel every. single. minute. and it stays there. and that person is now a part of me.
i sit next to a silent phone, realizing that i am going to have to work this one out alone - i am a big girl now, i suppose. yes, i can pay my bills. yes, i almost own my car. yes, i can... but i am not an independent woman. i am human. i crave companionship. i want those arms around me. i get lonely in a big girl way - so even though i feel so free, much freer than i have felt for a while, i want. i crave. and to be for real, it does feel good. so, knowing what i should do, will i do it? will i abstain until... until i give what i receive?
#3 - i am selfish
i want my time to myself. but i love m. and he is soooo egocentric at about-to-be-two-years-old. but i want to come home and go to sleep after a long day. and i want to eat cereal and vienna sausages for dinner. but the mommy in me needs to see all colors represented on the plate. and the mommy in me needs to get down on the floor and roll, and play, and crawl, and be fully present. she - not me - ignores the cell phone when it rings, finds the energy to cook wholesome meals every night and every morning. she - not me - is patient. can change the stinkiest diaper unflinchingly. but to be a good she i have to honor me - and finding that balance is ... a challenge.
love jones - its at the part when he is dropping her off at home, and the kiss, and the not-so-quite but um, yeah come on in invitation. cause, you know, she can't go out like that on a first date. but he's just so damn yummy, in a way that i love about my brown men...
damn.
meter...verse...classical...free
poems are what you do to me
#1 - be more humble.
i can say that i have done well in my life, but everyday i an instance where i can improve. where i can be better. where i can learn from someone else. its humbling. really. humbling. its so strange because i thought that i - the young black woman who has a great career, a home, her own car... - was a rarity. and we are - but you need so much more than all the superficial. i was working so hard to get the materials, and now that i have started to get them, i 1) no longer really want them and 2) see that there are other places in my life that i would rather focus more of my energy into. the thought of spending another dollar sickens me. i just want to hear some good music, do some yoga, chill with good people, love my baby, love someone else in a grown-up kinda way and call it a day :)
#2 - on this whole love thing
i got home last night and turned to nikki g. for some words to help me out. and of course - another beautiful coincidence happened. here is what God had to say through those words:
"we judge a man by his dreams
not alone his deeds
we judge a man by his intent
not alone by his shortcomings
we judge a man because it is not unusual
to know him through those who love him"
i turn to the beginning of the poem
the women gather (for joe strickland)
and i read more
so how do we judge a man
most of us love from our need to love not
because we find someone deserving
most of us forgive because we have trespassed not
because we are magnanimous
and increasingly salient
most of us comfort because we need comforting
our ancient rituals demand that we give
what we hope to receive
damn. so how will i act knowing all that i know now? once upon a time, i could make love and deny that it was love. i am not as arrogant anymore. i feel every. single. minute. and it stays there. and that person is now a part of me.
i sit next to a silent phone, realizing that i am going to have to work this one out alone - i am a big girl now, i suppose. yes, i can pay my bills. yes, i almost own my car. yes, i can... but i am not an independent woman. i am human. i crave companionship. i want those arms around me. i get lonely in a big girl way - so even though i feel so free, much freer than i have felt for a while, i want. i crave. and to be for real, it does feel good. so, knowing what i should do, will i do it? will i abstain until... until i give what i receive?
#3 - i am selfish
i want my time to myself. but i love m. and he is soooo egocentric at about-to-be-two-years-old. but i want to come home and go to sleep after a long day. and i want to eat cereal and vienna sausages for dinner. but the mommy in me needs to see all colors represented on the plate. and the mommy in me needs to get down on the floor and roll, and play, and crawl, and be fully present. she - not me - ignores the cell phone when it rings, finds the energy to cook wholesome meals every night and every morning. she - not me - is patient. can change the stinkiest diaper unflinchingly. but to be a good she i have to honor me - and finding that balance is ... a challenge.
love jones - its at the part when he is dropping her off at home, and the kiss, and the not-so-quite but um, yeah come on in invitation. cause, you know, she can't go out like that on a first date. but he's just so damn yummy, in a way that i love about my brown men...
damn.
meter...verse...classical...free
poems are what you do to me
21 January 2011
snapshots from my life as of recently
#1
unlock the door and walk in - yes, home at last. remove all the winter layers from me and m. grab the remote, knocking the bacon crumbs off of it from this morning. yay direct tv cause Barney recorded! turn it on and fwoom...fade to black...
so, i have learned how to fall asleep in a heartbeat. literally - the/thump, the/thump. the/sleep.
my body has learned to magically sense when the show is ending and as i come to and look around, i wonder what baccanalian-like party m has hosted (remember, he is 20 months old) while i was asleep. all the figurines he can find are lined up on the edge of the couch, staring at me. his pants lay listlessly off the edge of the couch. my hair has been undone and my ponytail holder is now wrapped around his diaper. and he. is sitting. in the middle. of the floor. nude.
#2
9:00p. m's been asleep for an hour and i could be accomplishing so many things that tend to pop up in a home - who knew a home was so much flippin work? - but no, instead i am laying on the couch watching one of my addictions - home improvement shows, mythbusters, anything on comedy central, or kipper (which has thee most fire-est theme song EVER - please, go listen now and come back and finish reading). so i go to stretch out and it hits me - the sheer funk from my armpits. yep - having a kid really screws up your hormones, even 2 years later. so i, at times, sweat like a linebacker (sexy, i know, right) so i should go shower, but i am too tired to get up. so...i grab the snuggie, not because i am cold, but because it has arms and covers my armpits, so i no longer smell anything. and i continue watching my shows.
#3
me - m! why did you just... (insert your own randomness here. examples include "dump your juice from the sippy cup onto the white rug?" or "throw the remote behind the couch?" or my favorite "hide the raisins inside the couch?"
m - abucha na me! nooooo! no, ma, no (with accompanying finger wag at me)
me - dude - i just saw you! why did you do that?
m - nooooo! no no no no no! (he begins to back out the room, still wagging his finger. i have to commend him - the ability to waggle his finger AND back up is awesome)
me - where are you going? hey! come here!
#4
6:01 - cooking dinner. m is "cooking" alphabet soup with me - using the magnetic letters off the fridge, he puts them in various pots and lets me sample. he's so cute.
6:02:10 - he stands, wanders away.
6:02:15 - "hey babe, where are you? whatcha doin?" no response.
6:02:22 - i turn the corner to see m with the baby powder. the walls. the carpet. his hair. everything has a fine layer of white powder over it. and he is standing amidst it all, with the biggest smile on his face.
#5
"m! stop dripping milk from your sippy cup onto your belly and rubbing it in! that is SOO not appropriate!"
#6
i misspelled the word misspell on a student's paper as i was correcting her misspelled word. yep.
back to comedy central :)
unlock the door and walk in - yes, home at last. remove all the winter layers from me and m. grab the remote, knocking the bacon crumbs off of it from this morning. yay direct tv cause Barney recorded! turn it on and fwoom...fade to black...
so, i have learned how to fall asleep in a heartbeat. literally - the/thump, the/thump. the/sleep.
my body has learned to magically sense when the show is ending and as i come to and look around, i wonder what baccanalian-like party m has hosted (remember, he is 20 months old) while i was asleep. all the figurines he can find are lined up on the edge of the couch, staring at me. his pants lay listlessly off the edge of the couch. my hair has been undone and my ponytail holder is now wrapped around his diaper. and he. is sitting. in the middle. of the floor. nude.
#2
9:00p. m's been asleep for an hour and i could be accomplishing so many things that tend to pop up in a home - who knew a home was so much flippin work? - but no, instead i am laying on the couch watching one of my addictions - home improvement shows, mythbusters, anything on comedy central, or kipper (which has thee most fire-est theme song EVER - please, go listen now and come back and finish reading). so i go to stretch out and it hits me - the sheer funk from my armpits. yep - having a kid really screws up your hormones, even 2 years later. so i, at times, sweat like a linebacker (sexy, i know, right) so i should go shower, but i am too tired to get up. so...i grab the snuggie, not because i am cold, but because it has arms and covers my armpits, so i no longer smell anything. and i continue watching my shows.
#3
me - m! why did you just... (insert your own randomness here. examples include "dump your juice from the sippy cup onto the white rug?" or "throw the remote behind the couch?" or my favorite "hide the raisins inside the couch?"
m - abucha na me! nooooo! no, ma, no (with accompanying finger wag at me)
me - dude - i just saw you! why did you do that?
m - nooooo! no no no no no! (he begins to back out the room, still wagging his finger. i have to commend him - the ability to waggle his finger AND back up is awesome)
me - where are you going? hey! come here!
#4
6:01 - cooking dinner. m is "cooking" alphabet soup with me - using the magnetic letters off the fridge, he puts them in various pots and lets me sample. he's so cute.
6:02:10 - he stands, wanders away.
6:02:15 - "hey babe, where are you? whatcha doin?" no response.
6:02:22 - i turn the corner to see m with the baby powder. the walls. the carpet. his hair. everything has a fine layer of white powder over it. and he is standing amidst it all, with the biggest smile on his face.
#5
"m! stop dripping milk from your sippy cup onto your belly and rubbing it in! that is SOO not appropriate!"
#6
i misspelled the word misspell on a student's paper as i was correcting her misspelled word. yep.
back to comedy central :)
11 January 2011
mama
i wrote this as you laid in my arms
its when your whining escalates from crying to wailing, flicking the finger to self-soothing bullsh*t i read in the baby books.
and i don't know what started this bout, but i do know its not going to be over soon.
its the moment when my brain cracks from it all - i mean, damn, I've been up since 6, working since 8, cooking dinner since 5, and cleaning up since 7
and you are now screaming so hard you're gagging.
its the part of me that make me get it together to console you, by-passing my own need for sanity.
because really, all you want is me to lay with you until you go to sleep, and to be there when you wake up - and how can i deny a want i myself recognize so well?
so i lay. and i pat. and i rub.
and your head inevitably, predictably, finds the spot on my chest above my heart. and you turn your ear to tune into it.
and it slows for you, to calm you, just as it has since you've chosen me.
and i go from simply-laying-here-until-you-go-to-sleep-cause-I've-got-stuff-to-do to falling
into
the pillow
and
inhaling
deeply
and its that snuggle you do that makes me vow to love you more tomorrow that i did today
that lets me know that yes, i am a mommy.
to t, who knows when to call, and for making me laugh until no sound comes out, so that i can blame the wetness on my cheeks on your hilarious stories if anyone asks.
its when your whining escalates from crying to wailing, flicking the finger to self-soothing bullsh*t i read in the baby books.
and i don't know what started this bout, but i do know its not going to be over soon.
its the moment when my brain cracks from it all - i mean, damn, I've been up since 6, working since 8, cooking dinner since 5, and cleaning up since 7
and you are now screaming so hard you're gagging.
its the part of me that make me get it together to console you, by-passing my own need for sanity.
because really, all you want is me to lay with you until you go to sleep, and to be there when you wake up - and how can i deny a want i myself recognize so well?
so i lay. and i pat. and i rub.
and your head inevitably, predictably, finds the spot on my chest above my heart. and you turn your ear to tune into it.
and it slows for you, to calm you, just as it has since you've chosen me.
and i go from simply-laying-here-until-you-go-to-sleep-cause-I've-got-stuff-to-do to falling
into
the pillow
and
inhaling
deeply
and its that snuggle you do that makes me vow to love you more tomorrow that i did today
that lets me know that yes, i am a mommy.
to t, who knows when to call, and for making me laugh until no sound comes out, so that i can blame the wetness on my cheeks on your hilarious stories if anyone asks.
10 January 2011
the key
i'm so angry right now i could pray.
i didn't know it would be so easy - you give up your rights so easily. i guess it was the out you needed. how could you? well, its time to keep moving, no? i see you have. its hard to have been in .... with a ....... but his smile keeps me moving
so i :
change the codes
switch out the locks
become my own lawyer
get one on the ready
but in the back of my mind/bottom of my heart, i know all of this isn't necessary. you won't show. you won't come looking to be in.
to be out i need to get out, so next task - resocialization.
leaving these bags - and you - behind. i don't need either where i am going.
no, i won't file for support. can't give you any ins to us. plus, i shouldn't have to force you to do what's right - right?
let this be a cautionary tale - use. protection.
but besides all of this -
1) why don't they make cough medicine for children under 2? apparently, it exists in other states - pediatric cough and cold? - and apparently there are no infants in ohio, as no drugstore carries it???
2) why is drake on EVERYTHING? i need that to slow down - he's going for overexposure status.
3) m can say "bubbles" now, and can even catch one on his wand!
4) these messages for a foundation for a better life make me cry every time!!
battery's out - charger's at work - night for me
god, help me mend this. help me fly straighter. love truer. be smarter. see better. forgive and move forward.
i didn't know it would be so easy - you give up your rights so easily. i guess it was the out you needed. how could you? well, its time to keep moving, no? i see you have. its hard to have been in .... with a ....... but his smile keeps me moving
so i :
change the codes
switch out the locks
become my own lawyer
get one on the ready
but in the back of my mind/bottom of my heart, i know all of this isn't necessary. you won't show. you won't come looking to be in.
to be out i need to get out, so next task - resocialization.
leaving these bags - and you - behind. i don't need either where i am going.
no, i won't file for support. can't give you any ins to us. plus, i shouldn't have to force you to do what's right - right?
let this be a cautionary tale - use. protection.
but besides all of this -
1) why don't they make cough medicine for children under 2? apparently, it exists in other states - pediatric cough and cold? - and apparently there are no infants in ohio, as no drugstore carries it???
2) why is drake on EVERYTHING? i need that to slow down - he's going for overexposure status.
3) m can say "bubbles" now, and can even catch one on his wand!
4) these messages for a foundation for a better life make me cry every time!!
battery's out - charger's at work - night for me
god, help me mend this. help me fly straighter. love truer. be smarter. see better. forgive and move forward.
08 January 2011
enter. lights on.
never noticed beyond the width of my nose that it is slightly off-centered. that in all of it wideness, its actually befitting my face. my skin seems clearer. dear god i need a shower - this is what, going on three days? but then again, when do i get a chance to shower with a toddler?
adjust water.
i never wanted to be a single mother - no, that's not true. i never thought i would become a single mother. i am too loving of a person to end up alone, raising a child. or so i thought. but there is something liberating in being the sole decision maker.
and alternatively,
there is something so exhausting in being in a relationship with someone - the constant negotiations, shifting and moving to accommodate. i miss them, but i missed the selfishness of being alone, too.
bathing
what to write? i want to write an elegy to relationships. a reflection of self - i can already see the reviews after it has been published - "gut wrenchingly honest" "brutal in its beauty".
so what to write when i finally sit down to blog - i haven't in a few days, and i want to keep my nyr - and i realize that i am not unique in going through any of this. all the experiences, all my reactions to them, even my desire to feel as though somehow, in the span of millennia, that i am unique in my life? humbling and comforting. nothing about this is new - across the world, across the ages, someone somewhere has been through what i am going through. so really, should i even bother to try to capture any part of this, or just keep ... going?
bathing: exfoliation
but who doesn't want to be seen as beautiful, even in their worst moments? i am not the only person who imagines their life to be multiple scenes in their biography. there is a soundtrack, moments for wide angles and interludes, for tight shots and monologues. mine's would definitely have flashdances.
drying
i didn't know my body would be this re-shaped. i remember e, after one of our superbly passionate sessions (such delicious memories), commenting that i would be a force to be reckoned with once i had a child. that i would be thick and thin in all the right places. heh - sure. who knew i, at 116lbs, could have cellulite?
lotion
but why put on lotion if i don't anticipate someone's hands on my shoulders, falling gracefully down my arms, or caressing from heel to knee to thigh? this is so funny - all this work, for what?
pjs
why do i always look my most beautiful when no one is around to see it?
write: variations on the kanon by pachelbel
is on the radio as i sit down on my couch to write. it - the radio - is always on in my home. either some cd or npr. this just happens to be george winston's december.
there is this part in the song where, just briefly, he stumbles. a discordant chord in an otherwise beautiful piece. i want this to be my wedding song - i can see me somewhere, barefoot, a white runway with greenery on either side, and when those chords play, i want to trip. to almost fall - to capture all those moments in a marriage to come where ish just doesn't. go. quite. right. but to catch myself and keep going, smiling, towards the altar. its the most beautiful part of the song.
never noticed beyond the width of my nose that it is slightly off-centered. that in all of it wideness, its actually befitting my face. my skin seems clearer. dear god i need a shower - this is what, going on three days? but then again, when do i get a chance to shower with a toddler?
adjust water.
i never wanted to be a single mother - no, that's not true. i never thought i would become a single mother. i am too loving of a person to end up alone, raising a child. or so i thought. but there is something liberating in being the sole decision maker.
and alternatively,
there is something so exhausting in being in a relationship with someone - the constant negotiations, shifting and moving to accommodate. i miss them, but i missed the selfishness of being alone, too.
bathing
what to write? i want to write an elegy to relationships. a reflection of self - i can already see the reviews after it has been published - "gut wrenchingly honest" "brutal in its beauty".
so what to write when i finally sit down to blog - i haven't in a few days, and i want to keep my nyr - and i realize that i am not unique in going through any of this. all the experiences, all my reactions to them, even my desire to feel as though somehow, in the span of millennia, that i am unique in my life? humbling and comforting. nothing about this is new - across the world, across the ages, someone somewhere has been through what i am going through. so really, should i even bother to try to capture any part of this, or just keep ... going?
bathing: exfoliation
but who doesn't want to be seen as beautiful, even in their worst moments? i am not the only person who imagines their life to be multiple scenes in their biography. there is a soundtrack, moments for wide angles and interludes, for tight shots and monologues. mine's would definitely have flashdances.
drying
i didn't know my body would be this re-shaped. i remember e, after one of our superbly passionate sessions (such delicious memories), commenting that i would be a force to be reckoned with once i had a child. that i would be thick and thin in all the right places. heh - sure. who knew i, at 116lbs, could have cellulite?
lotion
but why put on lotion if i don't anticipate someone's hands on my shoulders, falling gracefully down my arms, or caressing from heel to knee to thigh? this is so funny - all this work, for what?
pjs
why do i always look my most beautiful when no one is around to see it?
write: variations on the kanon by pachelbel
is on the radio as i sit down on my couch to write. it - the radio - is always on in my home. either some cd or npr. this just happens to be george winston's december.
there is this part in the song where, just briefly, he stumbles. a discordant chord in an otherwise beautiful piece. i want this to be my wedding song - i can see me somewhere, barefoot, a white runway with greenery on either side, and when those chords play, i want to trip. to almost fall - to capture all those moments in a marriage to come where ish just doesn't. go. quite. right. but to catch myself and keep going, smiling, towards the altar. its the most beautiful part of the song.
03 January 2011
procrastinating until my son is good and sleep so i can braid his hair - gotta be looking fly for playgroup tomorrow, you know.
...
ever had one of those moments when you were going through something, and instead of dealing with/identifying whatever it was that was getting you down, you just took all your frustrations out on everyone else? yea...did this definitely a few years ago, and here is what i have learned:
cool people will weather your storm and still be friends with you (sorry about that, e. i really did miss you!)
God has a way of helping you learn by, as i put it, putting it back in your face. so now i have a friend who is going through it, went off on me, and i didn't know why. but now i know - she was going thru some hella difficult stuff. we are talking, and i missed her, too. hopefully things will pan themselves out.
oddly enough, "strength courage and wisdom" is playing right now. i love God - all those random coincidences? all him. so cool.
next - on nye resolutions. i was talking to my grandmother - who has seen a lot of these new years come and go - and now that we are all sober and backing those resolutions, i made some of my own. yea, i wanna improve on some things, like:
- answering my phone (instead of ignoring it)
- making sure the people i love know that i love them
- finally dating men that are about something (more on this later) cause i finally recognized how to love myself (one point for me!)
- creating a working budget
- eating healthier... since i love to eat... can't get rid of pork yet, though - bacon tastes too good
and the list goes on. but in talking to my g-squared, i learned that really, the biggest resolution we should all make is to learn from our past and be better next time around. recognize yourself - in all your greatness and imperfection - and be okay with the process of evolving into a better you.
so, in adding to my resolutions:
i know i am going to screw up at some point this year. you know, one of those moments when you look back, everything is going in slow-mo and you don't want to remember just how dang awkward/horrible/painful/funny in an ouch way it was, but it still happen, and there were witnesses to it that you still have to see everyday (clearly, this has happened to me before) and i am going to be okay with it.
i know that there might be some life changing decisions i make this year that i will look back on like "man, that was awesome!"
and i hope hope HOPE to meet someone who is where i am in my journey, to share with me in this whole life/living stuff.
preferably a chocolate man - cause they are just so so so so beautiful, but really, a man of any color who will reciprocate the love i give him
(nods to a, a vanilla man who gave me the best valentine's gift ever, to this day - dinner, chartered flight around the city, and dessert, and expected nothing in return).
a man who dreams, and does.
whose body turns towards me when i enter a room.
who delights in me as much as i will in him.
who likes me first, respects me most, and loves me the right ways in due time.
who speaks in full, coherent sentences, can drop a five dollar word when appropriate, but also knows how to cuss (not curse, cuss) up a storm properly with the best of em (i.e. me).
and, coincidentally enough, "i am ready for love" is playing. i must be on the right path with my resolutions.
and son just fell off the couch...and stayed asleep. yep, i can do his hair now.
i'm not a bad mother, i swear. but is it bad for me to laugh a little? just a chuckle? no? okay.
-night.
31 December 2010
i thought you were just suppose to get there...
(written a few days ago...)
it took me until today to well up. not cry, just consider it. it took me sometime to decide whether this was all worth documenting Should i capture the mood - watching "the diving bell and the butterfly" drinking red wine - or should i just begin with the reflection?
i just realized how in pieces my heart is, but even through its destruction, i feel freer than i have ever been before. i know this is the time... the time when i will finally Do Better. Not make the dumb mistakes i have been making.
this wine is amazing, by the way.
i don't understand how we can love men who think nothing more of us than the breath their lungs take for granted.
my son continues to astound me. to reiterate how regularly he surprises me; how rapidly my love for him expands, expounds, excites me of how boundless the possibilities of what love can be
we have initiated a mutual agreement - i give him life, he gives me my life back.
its wonderful, i must say.
(back to the present)
watching beyonce's tour on 2nd edition with my mother, son, her dog, my blind grandmother,my
brother's father, and my brother and loving. every. single. minute. of. my. life. even though he hasn't called in a week to ask about his son. even though my paternal grandmother is hurting mo
re than ever. even though i am in so many ways more alone than i have ever been, i am so filled in the same breath. so loved. so peaceful.
oh god, this is going to be a good year.
happy new year to you and yours from me and mine
23 January 2010
edited
but what do you do when the demons from your past are sitting on your shoulders and a "situation" pops up - are you the unserstanding one that you have come to be known as, or do you let the demons get the best of you, and indulge in the fantasy of hate and bitterness, letting them feast on the love you are trying so desperately hard to see as it is?
these things don't make sense.
these things don't make sense.
31 December 2009
2010
it's been awhile since i've written.
2009 has been an... interesting year.
i realize i have a flair for the dramatic, although, personally, i don't think it's all that "dramatical". it's just life. but i've been afraid to write because of what (or how) things may come out. i realize i have a tendencey to write only when the pendulum swings low, and things feel overwhelming, but when life is good, i am MIA on these pages. i should work on that. but will i?
being a mommy is interesting - yes, i am a mommy. didn't announce it as much because, well, as i have said, things have been challenging this year. i became a mommy unexpectantly, went through some trials-by-fire, and here i am, still standing. well, actually sitting in a dark room wrtiting to you as my significant other lays on the bed two feet in space away but light years from my heart. we sit, not talking, family guy in the background, both of us using technology to fill the various voids that now existed where words, laughter and love once lived. hmmm.
2009 has been an interesting year.
but i read that this is all normal - that its the hormones. or the lack of sleep. or the life transition - they all have a tendency to do that, huh? puberty. adolescence. teen to young adult. young adult to adult. girlfriend to lover. - well, anyways.
what really are you suppose to do with this time, anyway? relfect over the year? make quixotic dreams about the next? vow to do __________ better? finally ________? well, i do know this - i am thankful for what i have, still upset about the shit that pissed me off, overwhelmedly happy (in every since of both words) at being a mommy, and hoping to do it all better next year. and the next. and the next.
2009 has been an... interesting year.
i realize i have a flair for the dramatic, although, personally, i don't think it's all that "dramatical". it's just life. but i've been afraid to write because of what (or how) things may come out. i realize i have a tendencey to write only when the pendulum swings low, and things feel overwhelming, but when life is good, i am MIA on these pages. i should work on that. but will i?
being a mommy is interesting - yes, i am a mommy. didn't announce it as much because, well, as i have said, things have been challenging this year. i became a mommy unexpectantly, went through some trials-by-fire, and here i am, still standing. well, actually sitting in a dark room wrtiting to you as my significant other lays on the bed two feet in space away but light years from my heart. we sit, not talking, family guy in the background, both of us using technology to fill the various voids that now existed where words, laughter and love once lived. hmmm.
2009 has been an interesting year.
but i read that this is all normal - that its the hormones. or the lack of sleep. or the life transition - they all have a tendency to do that, huh? puberty. adolescence. teen to young adult. young adult to adult. girlfriend to lover. - well, anyways.
what really are you suppose to do with this time, anyway? relfect over the year? make quixotic dreams about the next? vow to do __________ better? finally ________? well, i do know this - i am thankful for what i have, still upset about the shit that pissed me off, overwhelmedly happy (in every since of both words) at being a mommy, and hoping to do it all better next year. and the next. and the next.
05 November 2008
bittersweet.
for some reason, im just feeling so down today.
i mean, earlier, i was feeling a bittersweet happiness - sweet in the election of our first black president, but bitter in that i spent that time alone - or with just me and the baby.
i feel so alone.
today was trying - the kids come to school with such mis-informed thoughts about the world, and as a teacher, i take it to be my job not to change their minds, but to help them think critically about themselves and their worlds. that's not an easy task - and it just drains me.
i want to come home and just fall in the arms of my love. but that's not how we are - or how we have been.
i come home and normally just fall out on the couch instead.
this just isn't what i imagined Love to be.
but i am growing. i acknowledge the feelings, the emotions, and i keep moving. i have things to do to make myself a better person. to get to where i want to be for myself, and where i think i need to be for my baby.
i just wish i didn't feel like i was doing it alone.
i just want a backrub, a hug, and some support the way like i always imagined it to be. perhaps i am asking for too much.
i mean, earlier, i was feeling a bittersweet happiness - sweet in the election of our first black president, but bitter in that i spent that time alone - or with just me and the baby.
i feel so alone.
today was trying - the kids come to school with such mis-informed thoughts about the world, and as a teacher, i take it to be my job not to change their minds, but to help them think critically about themselves and their worlds. that's not an easy task - and it just drains me.
i want to come home and just fall in the arms of my love. but that's not how we are - or how we have been.
i come home and normally just fall out on the couch instead.
this just isn't what i imagined Love to be.
but i am growing. i acknowledge the feelings, the emotions, and i keep moving. i have things to do to make myself a better person. to get to where i want to be for myself, and where i think i need to be for my baby.
i just wish i didn't feel like i was doing it alone.
i just want a backrub, a hug, and some support the way like i always imagined it to be. perhaps i am asking for too much.
23 October 2008
30 May 2008
homesick / forgiveness
there is not a day that goes by that i don't think of my family.
the quiet love that only family offers - that unwavering, reassuring, supportive, non-judgmental but will let you know kinda love.
and i am homesick because i've realized that not every family is like this.
i still call her mommy. and him daddy. and although i've never said it to their face, i call them "sis" just like all our aunties call each other. we've never been a lovey-dubey kinda family; something i though i always wanted. you know, all wearing matching pajamas surrounding the christmas tree with the golden retriever? naw. we are something different, but not necessarily for better or for worst.
the postcards can have their family. i just want my own (back). here. sitting, watching the game with mom yelling. dad reading (READING!! FOR FUN!!) t1 making me laugh til i pee. t2 philosophizing in her own beautiful passionate way. even t4 running into people with his wheelchair...
i am alone tonight. and i understand now what it feels to be put behind... as i walked out of sex and the city, i saw all these girl groups, all dressed in heels, all laughs and giggles and freshly wiped away tears of hope and and wishes and love... and i called d and apologized for all those times i put k before her. and in her way, i think she accepted it.
"it takes a while to find that balance" she says.
"yeah, i guess you have to go through it to know how to do it, huh" i reply
the quiet love that only family offers - that unwavering, reassuring, supportive, non-judgmental but will let you know kinda love.
and i am homesick because i've realized that not every family is like this.
i still call her mommy. and him daddy. and although i've never said it to their face, i call them "sis" just like all our aunties call each other. we've never been a lovey-dubey kinda family; something i though i always wanted. you know, all wearing matching pajamas surrounding the christmas tree with the golden retriever? naw. we are something different, but not necessarily for better or for worst.
the postcards can have their family. i just want my own (back). here. sitting, watching the game with mom yelling. dad reading (READING!! FOR FUN!!) t1 making me laugh til i pee. t2 philosophizing in her own beautiful passionate way. even t4 running into people with his wheelchair...
...
i am alone tonight. and i understand now what it feels to be put behind... as i walked out of sex and the city, i saw all these girl groups, all dressed in heels, all laughs and giggles and freshly wiped away tears of hope and and wishes and love... and i called d and apologized for all those times i put k before her. and in her way, i think she accepted it.
"it takes a while to find that balance" she says.
"yeah, i guess you have to go through it to know how to do it, huh" i reply
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