whirlwind of contradictions

so i can move on...


so, i'm not quite sure where i am right now. i am happy cause i'm alone, and that i am around people who understand solitude is not a bad thing.
or do they?

not everything is about you. that's my mantra from now on.

i've grown tired of trying to explain myself. from now on, i am that dude in office space who just does whatever he wants to do because the truth is addicitive and can get you far.

i don't think i'm upset. i've gotten this new found peace and patience with leaving the wu - i'm not stressed because things have a way of working themselves out. and i love the fact that i finally have a room of my own, although i enjoyed living with others.

the wu was rough. i changed a lot, and not always for the best. it was hard, and for a large stretch of it, i was hella depressed. but i'm twelve days from being done. i've accepted that many people won't understand where i'm coming from with my bittersweet love for the wu. but it's almost done. and that's all that matters.

i am a whirlwind of contradictions, but i don't think that's all that bad.

i'm okay with the fact that i don't have all the answers. that i don't know what i want from life. that it takes me 30 minutes to get dressed cause i hate making decisions. that i am overly sensitive but underly-expressive and people are beginning to realize this.

i still have to work on not taking everything personal, but when are those times that i should? or should i just let it be unless you bring it to me? but what happens when your bad mood invades my space? what should i do then?

i realized the importance of family over the past few days. that these are the people that God made perfect - they judge you, but they love you fiercely. we fight, but we hug and laugh. we bare all to each other with no fear of repercussion. they always ALWAYD have your back (and are ready to whup someone's ass at the roll of an eye). these are the ones that will forever be closest to me because they never turn. never fade. hurt, but never stop loving. andi realize how blessed i am for that.

i realize that friendship is complicated. its never what you expect but always a lesson learned. it changes as friends grow, and sometimes.
sometimes.
it never really ever existed in the first place.

t

ups and downs / bang out

i'm graduating. from college.
i have an apartment.
i have a job.

this growing up is crazy.

i finally had The Breakdown a few days ago. it was all bad - was at s and b's b-day party and was struck with the need to be alone. e brought me home, and i could feel the tears starting. its was all ugly after that (i'll spare the details) but it was k, like always, to catch me when i fell. Hard.

i was ready to leave all my sh!t here and just drive until i got home. i was jaded, tired, irritable, scared, scarred...

you name it, i felt it.

he helped me see that you always, always have the Lord to depend on.
and that no matter what others think, you gotta keep folks around you that you feel good being around...

like i said...

B just came up to my desk, lookin hella destitute. depressed about school, life and papers, B proceeded to release, looking on the verge of tears. life should not rip you apart like this! school shouldn't rip you apart like this!

i remember i was sitting in an advisor's office and was told that i was too distracted with life. that my problem lie in the fact that i wasn't concentrating on my schoolwork. little did i know that "distraction with life" is a common problem of young black students from backgrounds like mine in college

that was the point i decided to heed the advice i was told my first year here at wash u:

brief story:
i had come back to the floor after receiving a c or so on a paper and was depressed. L saw me, and said "think about it. when you're 70 years old, sitting on your wraparound porch (i've always wanted one of these) watching your grandchildren play in your yard, are you going to be thinking about the day you got a c in a class at wash u?"  it was a poignant question from a deep person.

i had to figure out where my priorities lay in life. not so much regarding school v. living, but what makes/keeps me Happy. what makes/helps me feel Better about myself. these are the activities i focus on. so what if i get a d in a class that was not in my major?  so what if my GPA is not as great as it could have been? the past is the past, and the knowledge i've learned here is invaluable on
so.
many.
different.
levels.

that's what matters to me.

down with the man!

i say this revolutionary phrase because the amount of stress college causes is ridiculous!!

how can this whole process - primary school, college, grad school, ph.d programs - be beneficial when it causes this much dang stress!

lemme explain.

i just got my final grade in for my gen. ed reqs in a cluster of classes that i abhor - the natural sciences. i am the epitome of a history major. the only numbers i do are dates; the only science i do is nature. i struggled - and i mean struggled - through this cluster, taking a total of 5 classes, of which i only passed two.

i still have to take a class in the fall.

there is no reason that:
1. i should have to take anything to do with NS
2. i should be this stressed about it.

now, i am not against education, but i do think reform on the eudcational system is necessary. the amount of stress and tension placed on the individual is ludicrous. and on top of grades, you have the impending promise of success looming- you have to find the perfect job or get into an even better graduate school, or just in general find a happiness that you can live with knowing you've got thousands in loans in the bank. how can you expect to live a long life with all this stress shortening it?!?!

hence. down with the man.