i am not an independent woman

learning so many lessons so quickly.  i have known many of them for a while, but i guess i just wasn't in the right space to listen to their truths.

#1 - be more humble.
i can say that i have done well in my life, but everyday i an instance where i can improve.  where i can be better.  where i can learn from someone else.  its humbling.  really. humbling.  its so strange because i thought that i  - the young black woman who has a great career, a home, her own car...  - was a rarity.  and we are - but you need so much more than all the superficial.  i was working so hard to get the materials, and now that i have started to get them, i 1) no longer really want them and 2) see that there are other places in my life that i would rather focus more of my energy into.  the thought of spending another dollar sickens me.  i just want to hear some good music, do some yoga, chill with good people, love my baby, love someone else in a grown-up kinda way and call it a day :)

#2 - on this whole love thing
i got home last night and turned to nikki g. for some words to help me out.  and of course - another beautiful coincidence happened. here is what God had to say through those words:

"we judge a man by his dreams
not alone his deeds
we judge a man by his intent
not alone by his shortcomings
we judge a man because it is not unusual
to know him through those who love him"

i turn to the beginning of the poem

the women gather (for joe strickland)

and i read more

so how do we judge a man


most of us love from our need to love not
because we find someone deserving


most of us forgive because we have trespassed not 
because we are magnanimous


and increasingly salient


most of us comfort because we need comforting
our ancient rituals demand that we give
what we hope to receive

damn.  so how will i act knowing all that i know now?  once upon a time, i could make love and deny that it was love. i am not as arrogant anymore.  i feel every. single. minute.  and it stays there.  and that person is now a part of me.

i sit next to a silent phone, realizing that i am going to have to work this one out alone - i am a big girl now, i suppose.  yes, i can pay my bills. yes, i almost own my car.  yes, i can... but i am not an independent woman.  i am human. i crave companionship.  i want those arms around me.  i get lonely in a big girl way - so even though i feel so free, much freer than i have felt for a while, i want.  i crave.  and to be for real, it does feel good.  so, knowing what i should do, will i do it?  will i abstain until... until i give what i receive?

#3 - i am selfish
i want my time to myself.  but i love m.  and he is soooo egocentric at about-to-be-two-years-old.  but i want to come home and go to sleep after a long day.  and i want to eat cereal and vienna sausages for dinner.  but the mommy in me needs to see all colors represented on the plate.  and the mommy in me needs to get down on the floor and roll, and play, and crawl, and be fully present.  she - not me - ignores the cell phone when it rings, finds the energy to cook wholesome meals every night and every morning.  she - not me - is patient.  can change the stinkiest diaper unflinchingly.  but to be a good she i have to honor me - and finding that balance is ... a challenge.

love jones - its at the part when he is dropping her off at home, and the kiss, and the not-so-quite but um, yeah come on in invitation.  cause, you know, she can't go out like that on a first date.  but he's just so damn yummy, in a way that i love about my brown men...

damn.

meter...verse...classical...free
poems are what you do to me

snapshots from my life as of recently

#1
unlock the door and walk in - yes, home at last.  remove all the winter layers from me and m.  grab the remote, knocking the bacon crumbs off of it from this morning.  yay direct tv cause Barney recorded!  turn it on and fwoom...fade to black...
so, i have learned how to fall asleep in a heartbeat.  literally - the/thump, the/thump. the/sleep.
my body has learned to magically sense when the show is ending and as i come to and look around, i wonder what baccanalian-like party m has hosted (remember, he is 20 months old) while i was asleep.  all the figurines he can find are lined up on the edge of the couch, staring at me.  his pants lay listlessly off the edge of the couch.  my hair has been undone and my ponytail holder is now wrapped around his diaper.  and he.  is sitting. in the middle.  of the floor.  nude.  

#2
9:00p. m's been asleep for an hour and i could be accomplishing so many things that tend to pop up in a home - who knew a home was so much flippin work? - but no, instead i am laying on the couch watching one of my addictions - home improvement shows, mythbusters, anything on comedy central, or kipper (which has thee most fire-est theme song EVER - please, go listen now and come back and finish reading).  so i go to stretch out and it hits me - the sheer funk from my armpits.  yep - having a kid really screws up your hormones, even 2 years later.  so i, at times, sweat like a linebacker (sexy, i know, right) so i should go shower, but i am too tired to get up.  so...i grab the snuggie, not because i am cold, but because it has arms and covers my armpits, so i no longer smell anything.  and i continue watching my shows.

#3
me - m!  why did you just... (insert your own randomness here.  examples include "dump your juice from the sippy cup onto the white rug?" or "throw the remote behind the couch?" or my favorite "hide the raisins inside the couch?"
m - abucha na me! nooooo!  no, ma, no (with accompanying finger wag at me)
me - dude - i just saw you!  why did you do that?
m - nooooo!  no no no no no! (he begins to back out the room, still wagging his finger.  i have to commend him - the ability to waggle his finger AND back up is awesome)
me - where are you going? hey! come here!

#4
6:01 - cooking dinner.  m is "cooking" alphabet soup with me - using the magnetic letters off the fridge, he puts them in various pots and lets me sample.  he's so cute.
6:02:10 - he stands, wanders away.
6:02:15 - "hey babe, where are you?  whatcha doin?"  no response.
6:02:22 - i turn the corner to see m with the baby powder.  the walls. the carpet. his hair.  everything has a fine layer of white powder over it.  and he is standing amidst it all, with the biggest smile on his face. 

#5
"m!  stop dripping milk from your sippy cup onto your belly and rubbing it in!  that is SOO not appropriate!"

#6
i misspelled the word misspell on a student's paper as i was correcting her misspelled word.  yep.


back to comedy central :)

mama

i wrote this as you laid in my arms


its when your whining escalates from crying to wailing, flicking the finger to self-soothing bullsh*t i read in the baby books.
and i don't know what started this bout, but i do know its not going to be over soon.

its the moment when my brain cracks from it all - i mean, damn, I've been up since 6, working since 8, cooking dinner since 5, and cleaning up since 7

and you are now screaming so hard you're gagging.

its the part of me that make me get it together to console you, by-passing my own need for sanity.

because really, all you want is me to lay with you until you go to sleep, and to be there when you wake up - and how can i deny a want i myself recognize so well?

so i lay. and i pat. and i rub.

and your head inevitably, predictably, finds the spot on my chest above my heart.  and you turn your ear to tune into it.

and it slows for you, to calm you, just as it has since you've chosen me.

and i go from simply-laying-here-until-you-go-to-sleep-cause-I've-got-stuff-to-do to falling
into
the pillow
and
inhaling
deeply

and its that snuggle you do that makes me vow to love you more tomorrow that i did today

that lets me know that yes, i am a mommy.


to t, who knows when to call, and for making me laugh until no sound comes out, so that i can blame the wetness on my cheeks on your hilarious stories if anyone asks.

the key

i'm so angry right now i could pray.

i didn't know it would be so easy - you give up your rights so easily.  i guess it was the out you needed.  how could you?  well, its time to keep moving, no?  i see you have.  its hard to have been in .... with a ....... but his smile keeps me moving
so i :
change the codes
switch out the locks
become my own lawyer
get one on the ready

but in the back of my mind/bottom of my heart, i know all of this isn't necessary.  you won't show.  you won't come looking to be in.

to be out i need to get out, so next task - resocialization.

leaving these bags  - and you - behind.  i don't need either where i am going.

no, i won't file for support.  can't give you any ins to us. plus, i shouldn't have to force you to do what's right - right?

let this be a cautionary tale - use. protection.


but besides all of this -

1) why don't they make cough medicine for children under 2?  apparently, it exists in other states - pediatric cough and cold? - and apparently there are no infants in ohio, as no drugstore carries it???

2) why is drake on EVERYTHING?  i need that to slow down - he's going for overexposure status.

3) m can say "bubbles" now, and can even catch one on his wand!

4) these messages for a foundation for a better life make me cry every time!!

battery's out - charger's at work - night for me

god, help me mend this.  help me fly straighter.  love truer.  be smarter.  see better.  forgive and move forward.

enter. lights on.

never noticed beyond the width of my nose that it is slightly off-centered.  that in all of it wideness, its actually befitting my face. my skin seems clearer.  dear god i need a shower - this is what, going on three days?  but then again, when do i get a chance to shower with a toddler?

adjust water.

i never wanted to be a single mother - no, that's not true.  i never thought i would become a single mother.  i am too loving of a person to end up alone, raising a child.  or so i thought.  but there is something liberating in being the sole decision maker.
and alternatively,
there is something so exhausting in being in a relationship with someone  - the constant negotiations, shifting and moving to accommodate. i miss them, but i missed the selfishness of being alone, too.

bathing

what to write?  i want to write an elegy to relationships.  a reflection of self - i can already see the reviews after it has been published  - "gut wrenchingly honest" "brutal in its beauty".

so what to write when i finally sit down to blog - i haven't in a few days, and i want to keep my nyr - and i realize that i am not unique in going through any of this.  all the experiences, all my reactions to them, even my desire to feel as though somehow, in the span of millennia, that i am unique in my life?  humbling and comforting. nothing about this is new - across the world, across the ages, someone somewhere has been through what i am going through.  so really, should i even bother to try to capture any part of this, or just keep ... going?

bathing: exfoliation

but who doesn't want to be seen as beautiful, even in their worst moments? i am not the only person who imagines their life to be multiple scenes in their biography.  there is a soundtrack, moments for wide angles and interludes, for tight shots and monologues.  mine's would definitely have flashdances.

drying

i didn't know my body would be this re-shaped.  i remember e, after one of our superbly passionate sessions (such delicious memories), commenting that i would be a force to be reckoned with once i had a child.  that i would be thick and thin in all the right places.   heh - sure.  who knew i, at 116lbs, could have cellulite?

lotion

but why put on lotion if i don't anticipate someone's hands on my shoulders, falling gracefully down my arms, or caressing from heel to knee to thigh? this is so funny - all this work, for what?

pjs

why do i always look my most beautiful when no one is around to see it?

write: variations on the kanon by pachelbel

is on the radio as i sit down on my couch to write.  it - the radio - is always on in my home.  either some cd or npr.  this just happens to be george winston's december.

there is this part in the song where, just briefly, he stumbles. a discordant chord in an otherwise beautiful piece. i want this to be my wedding song - i can see me somewhere, barefoot, a white runway with greenery on either side, and when those chords play, i want to trip.  to almost fall - to capture all those moments in a marriage to come where ish just doesn't. go. quite. right.  but to catch myself and keep going, smiling, towards the altar.   its the most beautiful part of the song.

procrastinating until my son is good and sleep so i can braid his hair - gotta be looking fly for playgroup tomorrow, you know.

...

ever had one of those moments when you were going through something, and instead of dealing with/identifying whatever it was that was getting you down, you just took all your frustrations out on everyone else? yea...did this definitely a few years ago, and here is what i have learned:

cool people will weather your storm and still be friends with you (sorry about that, e. i really did miss you!)

God has a way of helping you learn by, as i put it, putting it back in your face. so now i have a friend who is going through it, went off on me, and i didn't know why. but now i know - she was going thru some hella difficult stuff. we are talking, and i missed her, too. hopefully things will pan themselves out.

oddly enough, "strength courage and wisdom" is playing right now. i love God - all those random coincidences? all him. so cool.

next - on nye resolutions. i was talking to my grandmother - who has seen a lot of these new years come and go - and now that we are all sober and backing those resolutions, i made some of my own. yea, i wanna improve on some things, like:

1. answering my phone (instead of ignoring it)
2. making sure the people i love know that i love them
3. finally dating men that are about something (more on this later) cause i finally recognized how to love myself (one point for me!)
4. creating a working budget
5. eating healthier... since i love to eat... can't get rid of pork yet, though - bacon tastes too good

and the list goes on. but in talking to my g-squared, i learned that really, the biggest resolution we should all make is to learn from our past and be better next time around. recognize yourself - in all your greatness and imperfection - and be okay with the process of evolving into a better you.

so, in adding to my resolutions:

i know i am going to screw up at some point this year. you know, one of those moments when you look back, everything is going in slow-mo and you don't want to remember just how dang awkward/horrible/painful/funny in an ouch way it was, but it still happen, and there were witnesses to it that you still have to see everyday (clearly, this has happened to me before) and i am going to be okay with it.

i know that there might be some life changing decisions i make this year that i will look back on like "man, that was awesome!"

and i hope hope HOPE to meet someone who is where i am in my journey, to share with me in this whole life/living stuff.

preferably a chocolate man - cause they are just so so so so beautiful, but really, a man of any color who will reciprocate the love i give him

(nods to a, a vanilla man who gave me the best valentine's gift ever, to this day - dinner, chartered flight around the city, and dessert, and expected nothing in return).

a man who dreams, and does.

whose body turns towards me when i enter a room.

who delights in me as much as i will in him.

who likes me first, respects me most, and loves me the right ways in due time.

who speaks in full, coherent sentences, can drop a five dollar word when appropriate, but also knows how to cuss (not curse, cuss) up a storm properly with the best of em (i.e. me).

and, coincidentally enough, "i am ready for love" is playing. i must be on the right path with my resolutions.

and son just fell off the couch...and stayed asleep. yep, i can do his hair now.

i'm not a bad mother, i swear. but is it bad for me to laugh a little? just a chuckle? no? okay.

-night.