nuances

this growing up thing is difficult. when i imagine myself, i see this gray whirlwind that just constantly chaotic, contradictory yet spinning in the right direction. i fuck up constantly and i focus on the bad rather than the good. i want critique but cry when i get it. im tempermental.


i forget all the good things i love about me when i discover a chink in the diamond.


so, today i learned:

i don't learn the nuances of people
when you learn them, you care more, and then that hurts.

i can be insensitive
(i said this to my father and he laughed and said "no, really?" to which i promptly responded "shut up".)


but i also learned:
that my family loves me more than i can realize. i am distant - i ran and ran after school, and they still love me to this day, even moreso than before. and i love that about them, even though i am not in a point at my life where i can tell them this.

that love is the most powerful force in the world, and one to be reckoned with and also something to be appreciated. to love, you have to be vulnerable to its opposite. to appreciate true love, you have to have been intimately acquainted with its opposite.

my grandma is deep. like, for real. she's deep.

if you put yourself out there with someone you love and they love you back, then you have nothing to be afraid of. its when you put yourself out there with someone you love and they don't is the true moment for growth.

alright, peace.

"5.25 for her / 10.5 or 11 if you want a wide band"

it always starts out casually...

i needed a hug one day, and as we laid there, he began:
"i think i could be happy with just you... for the rest of my life" he says, quietly amazed.

we are watching one tree hill:
"i should know your ring size....i mean, you know, just in case. and what kind of ring you like." he mentions as ole girl runs off stage, refusing to marry because ole boy still loves the other girl

(he watches the show, not me. but its good, i swear)

we are shopping last night with the other couple and we walk past one of those jewelry stores in the mall. you know, the one that looks lit from within...where women meet new best friends and men sweatily pick such beautiful binds of love and life...

"let's go in here and get sized" i say, casually. i don't want this dream to burst.

flashback:
"hey look at that store! lets go in!" - i say
"naw!! im not going in there!" he says
"its not like you are going to buy me anything, you asshole" i respond

me and t: 10/07 - 12/07
rest in peace

"let's go in here and get sized" i say, casually.
"yeah! i need to know what kind of ring you would like." declarative. strong. sure.

later:
"we just got sized for rings!!" he says
"yeah, i know!!" i laugh back
giddy in love

nightcap:
"my boy just got a tattoo of his girl on him." he says
"i don't know about getting your girlfriend's name tattoo-ed on yourself" i respond, slamming my car door and walking towards my apartment in the brisk early spring darkness. this is the first night we haven't slept together. we have been on the phone since we parted.
"but i would get your name tattoo-ed on me, since you are going to be my wife, but he got ole girl's name...." he says it so casually. so assuredly. there is no pause, no hesitation, no mistrust and fear that we have been both battling. i settle into his love and giggle to myself.
not even aware of my thoughts, he hears laughter:
"WHAT!! what!! what's so funny?" he was still going on about is boy.
"nothing baby, nothing."

we make dane cook jokes for the rest of the night until i fall asleep.