anastasia

m's in daycare full time this summer; feeling a little guilty about this, but this has been a heck of a year and i need some rejuvenating silence.   on that note, was at the library today and found the movie anastasia.  i've always wanted to see this movie - something about it pulled me towards it, and you know me, i go with the flow.

along those lines, also just watched a documentary on the lives of russian ballerinas... can you see a theme here?  so this is generational frustration - my sisters got to be ballerinas when they were little but by the time i was born - thirteen years later (can you say SURPRISE!) the ballet teacher was gone and i was left to learn how to play the piano.

um... guess i was a bit privileged growing up.



other past lives that i may have lived:

1. gay Swedish man whose career was as an interior decorator - i was fabulous.  i honestly think every black woman was a gay man in her past life and vice versa...

2. Indian royalty - had a dream when i was little.  all i could see were my feet, which had these beautiful bangles on them and the hem of my deep-purple and gold-trimmed skirt.  i remember watching my feet kicking up the dust and feeling the heat of the air around me.

3. radical protester - i have too much of a mouth on me to not have been shot and killed in another life for it.   i'm sure i went out like a g.

can you tell this is a random post?  just felt like i needed to add something, as i haven't visited here in a while.   you know how it gets - kid, life, career.   ish, however wonderfully cathartic, tends to fall to the wayside. sigh.

-t

violent and vivid detours

"If you've violently and vividly taken a detour from the lockstep of the beauty parade, no one can fault you for not being in uniform."


this was the best line from a CNN article i read on learning to love your nose, but it could be on so much more.  i broke down, phoned a friend, and hung up so much better.


friendship is such a delicate relationship.  and when they end, especially when they've lasted for so long, the damage can be surprisingly resonate.   i wondered if i were a good person, a good friend.  it had to be my fault, i mean, i am admittedly not a phone person.  perhaps i should have called more.  


but my friend, my so-much-more-than-a-friend friend said something along the lines of:


"you have never put energy into anything fake.  you may talk around with and play with something new, but sooner or later when you realize its just not right/real, you leave it be.  and that speak so positively and so loudly about the beauty of your character."


thank you. so. much.


i am a good person. i do care.  no, i don't call all the time, but damnit, that doesn't mean i don't care - it just means I'm going to love seeing you that much more then next time we do meet.  
i appreciate people - i know the people that i love are amazing people, and i hope they know just how big of a fan i am of them.


so i will stop tolerating negativity - better yet, i will interrupt it whenever i experience it with positivity.


i'm going to go snuggle with my son, then go to bed.  sigh.  its 10 minutes of a new day - this is such an awesome way to begin it.


smile.

the last few months to summer break are always the most difficult months to stay motivated... and recently its been harder and harder to find the meaning that motivates me to do A+ work.  Like tonight, I was a B+/A- mommy; did m's hair, but didn't do any learning activities.  had healthy food, but they were definitely leftovers.

then he had the meltdown of all meltdowns.
i mean snot, kicking, shaking, some screaming...

and here is where i know i was dropped on my head as a kid...


i thought it was hilarious.
absolutely hilarious.

at first, for like 20 seconds, i was angry. then shocked for about 2 seconds.  then i couldn't stop laughing.

that right there - the laughing - is what i think lowered me to a B+.

fast forward.

began to grade a few papers - i just couldn't do it.  it was too painful.  smh

moving on.

finally emailed a few of the people back on the dating website (gasp) that i joined.  but really, i am starting to believe my friends who continue to assert that i am really not going to find a guy, especially a guy of color, in my town.... when you write your entire profile IN ALL CAPS... or u mispell words in an attempt to be kool...or you pose with other women in your profile pictures then crop the photo like idk, i can't tell that you cropped out someone will long/curly/blonde hair and half a boob

...

perhaps
its just time for me to Pinterest until Big Bang. Yep.  That's what I'm going to do.