how are you

amidst the loudness and 

unexplainable sounds

I am learning how to carve my niche of sanity.

music

and raw ingredients

Seem to calm me down in a quiet way

I just need a little bit of quiet.

In this sunset kitchen, the dog lays on the floor

My son plays peacefully, always within delicate reach 

a touch here, a hug there - 

he is so reassuring

We have all found our balance

Our auras in harmony

I am learning to cook without a recipe

To let the foods talk to me

To taste

To smell 

To listen

And let the textures teach me what they most like

the cravings for arms/hands and warmth are no longer

as 

biting;

maybe this is what growing up means.

I am learning to appreciate help

To listen to wisdom

Without neglecting my truths

However imperfect

God doesn’t work in mysterious ways

He just does what needs to be done

Giving you the space

To figure out how to be a better you

I am deep sighs

Happiness and melancholy

On a beautiful precipice

Muffled meanings drowning in the raucousness of being twenty-something

I pluck them and drink;

They nourish me.

How are you? they ask.

I’m getting there.

late night posts: the realest thing i've ever wrote

got a flashback to my birthday... and that weekend... and although it was fun, i wish i could have been then who i am becoming now.  like, i wish you could read this and realize that yeah, i was who i was then because of what i was going through, but that's not all that i could be.  i wish i had a chance to say more - not quite sure why, just wish i did.

---

my most recent prayers:

God, please help me be who i am in my my honest hours at all times

God, please keep me in the moment

God, please help me with this patience thing - apparently its a quality you intend for me to have

---

who knew loneliness could be this damn lonely?  who knew friendships post-structured settings (school) would come so randomly?  but a part of me is telling me not to worry - that my need is not based in reality (but the pain is so gnawingly painful, God).  that all good things are in my future (thanks ricky).      


---

"you are going through so much.  and each is so weighty and massive, t.  anyone who doesn't understand why you don't call, especially now, doesn't deserve to be called 'friend'".
thank you so much for that - i thought it was just me.

---

some people i really just shouldn't have re-befriended.  some things maybe should have been left as they were.  some things should have an 'easy' button, while others wouldn't have been as good as they are if they did.  and some i need to re-friend instead of just reading their facebook page every once in a while.

ever feel that way?

this isn't all - i just don't have the words yet to quantify all this tumult.

i needed this

i walked into my mother's house, caked with the dirt of our field trip to the garden.  i was exhausted, and granted a brief reprieve to shower while my aunt watched m.  i scrubbed, soaped and emerged a cleaner but still tired me.

then lo and behold.

my macbook pro had arrived.  a week early.

i needed this.

i truly believed in reincarnation, and in a previous life i am sure i was a true QUEEN* (two snaps and a circle).  i know this because when i realized the large package on the table belonged to moi, i screamed, did a little dance as i explained my instant energizing joy to onlookers.

*I definitely believe in past lives.  i am sure i died in the civil rights movement, lived in India, and was a gay, white interior decorator named Franz.  Franz actually visits frequently, hence the awesome color scheme in my home - i definitely couldn't have done that as the current me.

 i am still not in my house, but at least it will be the most watertight home on the street by the time its all over.  i got my new macbook pro, which makes me oh so happy to have my own computer.  this is the funniest story i have read in a while (please check the pictures).  my son and i are going to dinner in a few, and i can't wait for our date.

yay me :-)  yay life :-)

( if you don't have a macbook pro, then you don't have a macbook pro.)



(i had to say it!!  the commercial is so true!!!!!)