on the eve of a great man's death comes ...

i can't give you any quotes. not yet. it took me a while to learn what my mother and father and those before and around them already knew as Truth. Knowledge is Power.

I was told today that in Jena, Louisiana tomorrow, the Klu Klux Klan would be marching. I reacted with anger and disbelief - in the Unites States in 2008, a hate group is still allowed to exist, a group well known to stand against all that is American is allowed to live and thrive while others were denied their rights. Extinguished.

i was asked what would i do if i were in Jena. i answered roundabout - that teaching is my weapon. that Youtube may be more effective than marching. that the battle for
...
the battle for...
what?

we are a nation conflicted. during the civil rights and before, when freedom was in black and white, it was easy to identify a goal. civil rights. equal rights among all citizens. and de jure, we got that. but the de facto truth remains ambivalent to the laws codified in those times.

but its so hard to see this when we have become distracted by little black kids and little white kids can hold hands.

so what are our goals now? what are we striving for? what, as a people, do we still need to battle to win? war against a common enemy can blur the hatred between rivals to appear as patriotism as we fight for a common goal. but once the battle is won, and the fervor has receded, what is left but to bathe in our glory as the victors?

i write all of this to explain that to understand where we are going, where we NEED to go, its imperative to understand our past. America is often seen through the eyes of the neo-enlightened as a nightmare. with its ghoulish past of racism, sexism, patriarchy, manifest destiny, its hard to miss the other side of this - the false negative, i guess you could say. there were people who had morals. and throughout history, Right and Truth have never changed. while some fought for the end of slavery for free soil, others fought because american slavery is and has always been wrong. to enslave another man, to build his body and denigrate his mind in a land where we value Humanity, it has and will always be wrong.

throughout history, its easy to look back with a discerning eye and point out our flaws. but simply feeling bad for our past isn't enough... understanding all that gray area is what is necessary.

i think the goal now is to pause. to reflect. to realize that in the same breath we can be the best and worst country on this earth. to realize that we have set the standards high and failed. our unwillingness to move past the hurt, past the blame, and really see ourselves objectively has got us arguing over the superficial. maybe its not that the KKK can still exist, but that we self-sabotaged our own growth with the decimation of the Black Panthers because they represented something inconceivable - a physical manifestation of the American dream.

maybe, in our arrogance as a nation, we have shot ourselves in the foot. confidence and arrogance are two sides of the same coin. one permits learning while the other promotes resolution, limiting our access to growth through reflection.

MLK stood in front our biggest mirror in the nation and gave his speech on a dream. and we have failed because we have neglected to reflect. we have accused, argued, fought, waged war. we stupidly try to recover our bandages with new ones. we have learned and become depressed by our own actions. through the selfishness of depression we stopped at the surface and have not yet faced ourselves.

i think we as a nation are lost because we no longer have tangible goals. perhaps we hate rap so much because it offers the clearest perspective of our national conscious. we create beef to wage wars that we glorify, perhaps secretly proud of the carnage because we come out top dog. ...money power respect...maybe lil kim was right.

we ignore the Truth of the matter - how can we spread democracy, a government that believes in power to the people, when the president cannot walk through his own country without bodyguards?

there is something deeper here...something i can't get to... something that in all this rambling, i have had only glimpses of. its taken me a long time to get here... racism is really, truly, literally, the superficial battle. i say this in trepidation because those before me understanding this have been killed because we haven't been ready to face Truth. to break allegiance with the black community, my floating donut, to dive deeper into our past...

but my goal... my goal, is to become a democratic nation. power in the hands of all people. (knowledge in the hands of all people.) reviving the belief that with much power comes much responsibility.
(with much knowledge comes much responsibility.)

sometimes the best action is quiet and internal.

he really might not be all that into me...

so it was one of those nights where i just couldn't get comfortable. i kept randomly wandering around the apartment, checking my phone, snacking on randomness (salty...sweet...salty...sweet) and i finally laid down on my bed in frustrated boredom. i just didn't know what the f- to do.

so i started playing with my camera and took some really great pictures...

i thought i could show them to you, but i forgot i don't have vision services. that did seem like the perfect segue thought, right?

well, anyways, i got up, threw on my recycled uggs, two sweatshirts and two pair of sweats and some gloves and headed to the place of happiness and joy. Border's Bookstore.

the coupons are amazing. the selection is extensive. the atmosphere is bright and welcoming. it is a bookworm's moveable feast.

perusing...browsing... ooo! yoga stuff for $5! thou shall cop-est thy cheap yet great buy ... perusing... nods to the af-am section... and there it is. in all its accusatory glory. the self help section.

its the section you least want to be caught in. its the one that screams, at any time of the day or night or season "look! i suck! and i am trying to figure out why cause guess what! i suck!"

or something along those lines. some may hate me for saying that, but let's be honest. that's what is is and that's what it do.

so i walked over with that i-am-looking-for-something-in-particular-that's-a-really-great-book-don't-judge-me power walk. i lean towards the shelves as i maintain a 5 foot difference so just in case someone cool walks by (how i will identify this coolness i haven't thought about yet, but whatever) i can pretend to be looking at the used movies directly adjacent to this section.

and if as on cue, the book just reaches up and waves at me. it's even turned to face me:
"He's Just Not That Into You".

this has got to be one of the (long e right there) most fire books i have ever read. it's hilarious, but blunt. entertaining and enlightening. delicious AND nutritious.

i quickly bought it, got the 30% off (SCORE!) and sauntered back into my apartment an even happier woman than normal (and i've been pretty damn joyous over the last few days).

promptly getting down to business, i turned on the appropriate play list "l-word: ouch" and snuggled myself into my futon to read and learn.

i was so motivated that i got up, went to facebook and finally blocked the one guy that's been on and off. the frustrating but fufilling one i mentioned in the last post? yeah, him. no hard feelings, but there really isn't anything there.

so i blocked him. erased all the old messages (especially the one that gave his new number) and cleared my call log on my phone. number? gone. no longer in the contacts list. why? because

all together now, class

he's just not that into me.

and like Greg says:

I deserve a fucking phone call.

:-)

this man is the truth for me right now. as i sit in my office at school blogging, im marinating in the speech that he just gave. the responses from the students that said louder than their adolescent minds could muster "we want to have these kind of conversations. we just need someone to start them for us."

he talked about the fcc allowing "nigger" and "bitch" onto television after 7... he spoke about mascots, and what if your face was on the side of a helmet and you're identity was no longer a person but a commodity... about harriet tubman and a little boy of eight who was scared while escaping with her and she experienced her moment of blackness...

i walked back with a faculty member who i respect, and he said he loved the speech. especially now when he is teaching huck finn. when these conversations are so difficult and that they had training...

i realized we have all the training we need. we were born with it, raised with it, studied it while in school and now teach it. it is our America that has trained us. whether as minority or majority, we all know that something is Wrong in our country. we are ill.

but we have also known that we can make it Right. stop hesitating to have these courageous conversations. just do it. let the fear of uncertainty pause you when responding. make every word count, then discredit it all as nothing than just abstract ways to capture your true thoughts. shirk training to have the conversation

this is where i need to be. i think i have an idea of what i need to do. im scared, but so excited.

why, what and but...

i don't think i can think anymore. my brain is starting to hurt and manifest this pain into uncontrollable scalp itch so i am sitting here, drowning in papers, blogging when i know i need to be reading socrates' trial cause my high-achieving butt thought it would be so great to demonstrate the Socratic method...

i roll my eyes even as i smile...

WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?? DO I WANT TO TEACH OR WORK SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE EDUCATION FIELD?? COMFORT IS AN EVIL THING

cause if i get a contract, then that's it. I can stay as long as i don't goof up horribly. i can get comfortable.

but i feel this but

but if i accept at BBBS (hopefully there will be a job offer soon...or hopefully not too soon) then what if there is an offer from MICDS? what will i do then?

why are there all these whys and whats and buts??

O DEAR GOD I AM SO STRESSED WITH OPPORTUNITY!!

but there is more

am i not as good as a person as i thought i was? ai made a correct observation - i have fallen out with everyone up here. there have been moments of no talking and i am always the one to make amends... even though each time, i didn't do shit to start the quiolence (quiet violence) in the first place... or maybe i did...

i am too afraid to watch that movie "how to lose friends and alienate people" cause its probably about me.

imma talk this out with daddy. then finish reading. then go to bed. this ish sucks. wait - let me amend that. the bad ish sucks.

this post contains more cursin' than normal...

some days i just wonder what it is i do to attract bullshit.

its like, most of the times, i'm good. no, im lying. i can have a pretty negative personality and outlook on life. but really, literally, i have been working on it. and i feel better - it really is all about how you think about things.

so im sitting here, watching katt williams, and drinking hot marshmallows.

hot marshmallow recipe:
boil water. in meantime, fill cup to the top with marshmallows. pour packet of hot chocolate with marshmallows on top or marshmallows. when water is boiling, pour slowly on top of marshmallows. you may only be able to get a few drops of water in there. its okay.

sit and ponder why marshmallows is spelled with an "a" and not and "e".

but im still upset about the inordinate amount of bullshit in my life. and the crazy thing is, even as i prep to deal with it all, i know its only going to get worse before it improves.

at times, im going to feel as if i am crazy. im going to have to admit i was wrong. but honestly, shit, most of the time, i don't think it was me. but we'll see.

shit.

i hate being an adult.

slowly, surely

it took a minute to come back to you.

I never was one big on capitalization. i never understood why i needed to do it - everybody in this relationship (me and you) already knew how special you were to me.

i let little things get in the way - i was pissed cause i knew that Word wasn't, couldn't be what you really believed. i knew if anyone believes in equality, in truth and love, it had to be you. I just couldn't buy - or believe in - anything else.

i knew i couldn't be impure just because i am a woman. i knew that i was still beautiful even i am dark. i always left with this aching sense of incompleteness.

then in '92 - i really wondered if you existed. if so, how could you let one soul be so ... handicapped?

its true that you move in mysterious ways. i've learned so much in this world. i don't always internalize as quick or as much as i should. remember when i was so angry?

but out of everybody, you always had my back - you kept me sane, helped me really get into what i loved most - music. no one else may know, but we both do that truly, music. saved. my. life.

(you're making me realize that Baba Says Cool for Thought is the Truth (thanks shay-shay) That I need to pay as much attention to what goes in my ears as what I put in my mouth.)

...wash u was rough - i'm still trying to understand what more i am suppose to take from that, other than a diploma...

(selah)

and recently...recently... wow. you are amazing, huh? i prayed, begged, wrote till my heart bled for a guy like T. then i got him. and it wasn't what i really needed, huh? we learned, we parted amicably, but really, you made me sit down and ask myself, what is it that i really wanted?

what i really wanted was you.

i wanted a hug. that kind of hug that never ends, that has that slow-rub-and-pat-on-the-back part that really lets you fall apart. i needed someone to collapse into. i needed

need

assurance in my rapidly changing, expanding, evolving and sometimes-scary world that everything will be alright. and i was looking for it in all the wrong places. my friends had a little bit of it. the guys i dated had some, too, but it was never enough. i was still hurting. never everything that i needed all in one person.

i foolishly thought that maybe monogamy wasn't for me. that wasn't the issue.

you gave me a glimpse of true Love. and it humbles me even now to think how forgiving, how real, how great it can be. that its more than just between a man and woman (or a woman and woman or man and man)

that Love is accepting all forms of love.

that it means loving those that might not love you as much.
its honoring the You in them.

have you ever noticed that real love songs could be gospel songs as well?

i dedicate this to You.

they just kinda seem to jump out of me...

today was just one of those days. i'm trying this new thing of being emotional - when the situation is safe, actually letting myself feel. but its been hard - its a scary thing to just let them seep out, not knowing what shape they will take once out, and how they will be received.'

all this to say i had a hard day at school. during a discussion about the presidential candidates and their stances, we got on the issue of race and education. at first, i felt leery but excited - my mentor (an awesome awesome awesome white man) jumped at the chance to talk about affirmative action, racial precedences, etc.

then that one comment came.

"my advisory leader told me that our school is suffering from affirmative action. she said that we are letting in unqualified students who are lowering our prestige"

this comment seeped out amongst the cacophony of voices that is my average ninth-grade-class day. i heard it. it registered. we moved on.

only later did i come back to it with my mentor:

"there are some teachers here that you just have to let go." shirk.

i let the emotion out...it was shirked... then i did something maybe dumb. i looked up my student's advisor. turned out to be a woman that invited me to her home. that i eat lunch with often. we joke, nudging shoulders and wagging eyebrows at each other in the hallway.

damn.

then to P- Academy. going through the same depressing neighborhood. the weather echoed my mood. i pulled my rain jacket closer, leaning into the wind as i walked to the school. i had to stop to take in the semblance of a school across the street - broken windows, collapsed doors, the weight of economics, race, and colored dreams and little kid giggles had, in their rush, pushed the doors off their hinges in a rush to cross the street into the newer building.

but walking into the classroom, i felt good. i had validation that my kids weren't "bad" or "hyper".

read: its wasn't because they were black that they were acting crazy. they were simply exhausted third graders here because they couldn't read as well as MO said they should.

instead of yelling, thumping heads and snatching kids into the hallway for our "discussions", i laughed, giggled with them, tickled them into submission with my wishes for them to do the assignment.

memories:
little girl hands and nappy curls
...as i sat collecting papers, one little girl edged closer and closer to me as i helped a little boy spell. she tentatively rested her hand on my shoulder. i did nothing - just kept working with the little boy. she cautiously placed both hands in my hair, then felt her own straightened-in-need-of-a-touch-up hair. she massaged her hands into my fro, patted it back into place, and walked slowly away to play with some blocks...

a good kind of contagious
... s, a round, pudgy dark brown boy who knows that donny hathaway was the original, not chris brown, launched into an announcement the way that third graders do - loudly, quickly and with and e.e. cummings approach to speaking - about how he wasn't gon be here tomorra cause im finna GO to the beach! imma have my sungl. glasses on and we gon'
go vis
it charley! "is charley your cousin?" NAW! Ms. ... mscross he my friend!!
and he launches into this giggle. this giggle that warmed something inside of me so quick that a giggle escaped my lips before i knew it. this only fueled his own giggles as he rocked forward and back. others around him giggle with surprised expressions, not knowing why they must laugh, but accepting it. its such a beautiful sight that i want to cry - this unimpeded, unapologetic, un-self-conscious laugh that grips the class and stays, floating above our circle of block-building.

little girl hands of a different color
...earlier, at my job, i began observation of the lower school. the JK kids. r had watched me since i entered and decided without my knowledge to make me her friend. she came over and, with the softest touch, rubbed my arm. not a "does-it-rub-off" question, but a simple statement - "you are nice. come play with me". a comforting embrace, she pulled me to help color her purple and yellow giraffe. she continued these innocent brushes, and finally ended just resting on me as we watched some of her classmates play in the kitchen cooking "warm winter foods"...

why can't it always be like that between us?