right all up in the midst of it.
day started as such:
took two sleeping pills cause i still wasn't asleep at god knows when in the morning
woken up by cramps
threw up because cramps were so bad
got amazing heat pad from e
fell asleep, drugged with three aleeve, some graham crackers and a towel...
think i told my boss the reason i wasn't coming in was because of diarrhea??? i didn't have that!
that was the beginning of the day.
ups and downs in life are amazing. was called selfish today. friend saw me cry for the first time in our...three? four? year relationship (wow, its been so long!). made 17 life choices and acted on none of them in the span of a few hours. then got cursed out for moving too fast. welcome to why i needed therapy in the first place.
my biggest question right now is what am i most afraid of? and how am i going to deal with what i know i have to do?
and i am going to admit it. i want a knight in shining armor. not literally, but the kind of guy that doesn't have to ask me what to do, he just does it. i have to deal with so many other decisions in life, imma just let you do what you do and nod and smile.
(yeah i said it. i just set women back some what, 50 years?)
why do i miss you? or do i just miss the idea of you that i created in my head?
so, chicago tomorrow. cleveland next week. and then school begins. and life begins to change. some more. and i've been told i'm strong. strong is knowing when you can't handle anymore and having the courage to say so. even if people don't agree with you.
how much of this is just growing up? how much of this is all me? how much is just normal and really, how much is just...crazy as all hell?
heard that another dude...totally unrelated to me...lied about some big things. like family and ish....really. can ANY dude tell the truth? see, this is why i'm just chillin right now. i can't take any more bulls*** - i got enough in my life. but if some realness walks up, then i'll holla ;-)
[aaannnnddd.....i'm not going to sleep anytime soon, and tonight, i am not going to let it bother me.]
31 July 2007
25 July 2007
oh shit...
i'm a teacher!
i just got my books ( all 10 of them. yes ten) and the run down of how class will be. i also met with my mentor, a, who gave me the run down of stl schools, office politics, and being a young black woman in a "society school". One piece of advice sticks with me:
"keep your eyes open, mouth shut, and hold your cards tightly to you".
its really not a game. I'm so excited, but i have to take serious advantage of this opportunity. i have the chance to learn from others mistakes and wisdom, and i am so freakin grateful of that, but i have to remember - this is a game. i gotta stay focused on my goals. i gotta make sure i cover my ass at all times. i have plans, dreams, aspirations - and it feels so weird to finally see them in sight. to know that with some dedication and patience and brilliance i can get there.
i. can. get. there.
i am so freakin proud of myself!! and so thankful of how i got here - through all the bullshit and pain, and with the help of so many, mad love, and patience - i'm here.
*smile*
k, enough reveling. time to get down to business. i got a gazillion chapters to read, and not only that, i gotta find secondary sources, primary sources, make some lesson plans...
*still smiling*
okay...one more piece of giddines - I get a tablet pc! and an office! and benefits! i have health care! and i think i know what i'm doing! and my mentor at school is cool! did i say i know what i'm doing? cause i think i do! IMMA HAVE A LAPTOP BITCHES!
*lol*
( oh! and new music!! black/female house music - the ish. latrice barnett - the new hotness in my life. who knew we did electronica and techno? )
k, im done. for real this time.
i just got my books ( all 10 of them. yes ten) and the run down of how class will be. i also met with my mentor, a, who gave me the run down of stl schools, office politics, and being a young black woman in a "society school". One piece of advice sticks with me:
"keep your eyes open, mouth shut, and hold your cards tightly to you".
its really not a game. I'm so excited, but i have to take serious advantage of this opportunity. i have the chance to learn from others mistakes and wisdom, and i am so freakin grateful of that, but i have to remember - this is a game. i gotta stay focused on my goals. i gotta make sure i cover my ass at all times. i have plans, dreams, aspirations - and it feels so weird to finally see them in sight. to know that with some dedication and patience and brilliance i can get there.
i. can. get. there.
i am so freakin proud of myself!! and so thankful of how i got here - through all the bullshit and pain, and with the help of so many, mad love, and patience - i'm here.
*smile*
k, enough reveling. time to get down to business. i got a gazillion chapters to read, and not only that, i gotta find secondary sources, primary sources, make some lesson plans...
*still smiling*
okay...one more piece of giddines - I get a tablet pc! and an office! and benefits! i have health care! and i think i know what i'm doing! and my mentor at school is cool! did i say i know what i'm doing? cause i think i do! IMMA HAVE A LAPTOP BITCHES!
*lol*
( oh! and new music!! black/female house music - the ish. latrice barnett - the new hotness in my life. who knew we did electronica and techno? )
k, im done. for real this time.
14 July 2007
intuition (its not just a razor)
that little voice in the back of your head is a funny thing. the moment you begin to listen to it, your life begins to change. things that could have gotten you in trouble, you begin to ignore. you begin to see growth - physical, mental, spiritual - and positivity just re-affirms itself. the voice louder and develops new facets...
1. it can become belligerent when you don't listen.
2. other effects - such as severe hangovers after a night when you knew you shouldn't be drinking - are all blamed on the voice.
3. it massages your self-esteem - when you do something right, and you know its right, you start needing less and less recognition and become increasingly happy that you can be content within yourself.
4. people start to realize that you have changed, and that you are more and more sincere. this voice begins to reveal itself.
= its just been you. all along.
it hasn't been so much of finding myself as really realizing that i have always been here. i have been looking elsewhere, out-where, for so long, that when i finally just stop. and look back, there i am. i am beginning to settle in-to myself, and i realized that i am pretty comfortable. this is a great feeling. to feel better than okay with the choices i am making. to know what i need to do, and that it will all manifest in good time. to be able to slow down. to have increasing confidence in my capacities as a rational human being. to no longer be embarrassed when i make a mistake. to realize that i already have all the love i need (im not all the way here yet, but its dawning..)
just to finally. exhale. no need to sigh anymore.
i almost feel smug - like yeah, i am right. i am okay. i wasn't trippin. i did make the right decision. that doesn't bother me. i won't miss you, but its okay if i miss some parts of you. i do love you even though i can't be with you. no, i dont have to name names cause i've already made my peace.
God, this feels good.
im finally breathing on my own.
God. this feels good.
1. it can become belligerent when you don't listen.
2. other effects - such as severe hangovers after a night when you knew you shouldn't be drinking - are all blamed on the voice.
3. it massages your self-esteem - when you do something right, and you know its right, you start needing less and less recognition and become increasingly happy that you can be content within yourself.
4. people start to realize that you have changed, and that you are more and more sincere. this voice begins to reveal itself.
= its just been you. all along.
it hasn't been so much of finding myself as really realizing that i have always been here. i have been looking elsewhere, out-where, for so long, that when i finally just stop. and look back, there i am. i am beginning to settle in-to myself, and i realized that i am pretty comfortable. this is a great feeling. to feel better than okay with the choices i am making. to know what i need to do, and that it will all manifest in good time. to be able to slow down. to have increasing confidence in my capacities as a rational human being. to no longer be embarrassed when i make a mistake. to realize that i already have all the love i need (im not all the way here yet, but its dawning..)
just to finally. exhale. no need to sigh anymore.
i almost feel smug - like yeah, i am right. i am okay. i wasn't trippin. i did make the right decision. that doesn't bother me. i won't miss you, but its okay if i miss some parts of you. i do love you even though i can't be with you. no, i dont have to name names cause i've already made my peace.
God, this feels good.
im finally breathing on my own.
God. this feels good.
12 July 2007
phones make me angry
just realized this...so i'm chillin at work, makin v do her damn paper (lol) and i realize - i can be social when i am with someone, but phones? yeah, not so much.
they just make me angry...
i might be fine before ithe phone rings, then i go to answer, and i quickly become annoyed.
if already perturbed, then i become irascible.
why? i don't know. v says i need to get over this, especially if i plan on making this segue into the small-business-ownership world (???)
yeah, its becoming more and more of a reality....this is crazy... its like, when you have dreamed a dream for so long that it no longer seems achievable....like some displaced fiction that has no place in real world things...this feeling is new - shaping dreams into reality is just...weird. and scary. to say the least.
as always
we'll see.
they just make me angry...
i might be fine before ithe phone rings, then i go to answer, and i quickly become annoyed.
if already perturbed, then i become irascible.
why? i don't know. v says i need to get over this, especially if i plan on making this segue into the small-business-ownership world (???)
yeah, its becoming more and more of a reality....this is crazy... its like, when you have dreamed a dream for so long that it no longer seems achievable....like some displaced fiction that has no place in real world things...this feeling is new - shaping dreams into reality is just...weird. and scary. to say the least.
as always
we'll see.
11 July 2007
lessons in humility and patience
this day didn't start out bad at all.
i woke, felt good, went to text a friend....
phone was turned off.
went online - got the wrong info. went galavanting to friend's house with said wrong info ordering payment on part of our phone bill. discovered 9 hours later that she may have paid my portion.
whoops.
random ass info about a friend that kinda hurt. i know i didn't answer before, but i've changed. how do you convince people that you've changed?
i realized that people are a lot more sensitive and (not negatively) self-absorbed than i thought. we really do think that everything done is concerning us - that lady not responding "hello" to my greeting, that man taking another route (was it to avoid me?) someone not answering the phone (was it becasuse i called?) we really are insecure.
90% of the time, any situation in which you are apart of really, really, does not concern you. great words told to me by someone else, as most wisdom is. all this before work.
i realized that people are a lot more sensitive and (not negatively) self-absorbed than i thought. we really do think that everything done is concerning us - that lady not responding "hello" to my greeting, that man taking another route (was it to avoid me?) someone not answering the phone (was it becasuse i called?) we really are insecure.
90% of the time, any situation in which you are apart of really, really, does not concern you. great words told to me by someone else, as most wisdom is. all this before work.
went to work, actually had fun because i felt like a manager - unpacking, doing charge sends, etc. left, came home, got restless...
starting eating. i think i have an eating problem - i eat when i am bored, when i am restless, when i am full...and there was no MAYONNAISE!! how can i work under these circumstances? and the depressing part is i might not be able to buy some cause of said goofed phone bill.
damn
(braids kept falling in my face) +too short to pull into a ponytail+too hot in apartment+too expensive to use air=EXTREME ANNOYANCE
went to sleep. phone begins to ring off the hook constantly (its working now?)
wake up. clean like a mad woman.
now at work. realized that phone bill wouldn't be so bad if i actually followed my bill due dates instead of paying whenever...
my bad
09 July 2007
my bad...
i already know that i shouldn't be writing this late because my thoughts after midnight are usually uncensored and unusually clear, but here i go anywayz...
1. silence - there are things i see that are sketchy as hell but i won't speak on because it could mean losing a future contact. but its annoying - i am told one thing, but i see another. and i can't speak on it because it would make things 'awkward'. or maybe just awkward for you and ... fine for me. (she says as she sits back and sucks her teeth lol) but really, i am realizing i am more and more daring with testing the limits of appropriateness, especially in questioning things...imma just let that one fall off...
2. advice - don't ask me for advice unless you plan to listen. don't ask me for advice, then argue with me about it, then turn around and ask me again what you should do. it will save me some breath. if i talk to you for an extended amount of time it normally means (surprise) i actually care about you. and wouldn't purposefully try to lead you astray. (no anger there, i swear)
2.5 truth - why does it often sound so mean?
3. phones - so i didn't call. now i actually answer. i realize that as much as i said before that people shouldn't take my no-answering-the-phone thing personal, people (once again, see above statement) don't listen to me. so i know its going to take some time to re-build some of the friendships i lost during college. but why has it been so hard to keep the ones i had?
4. friendship - is a tricky thing. between lovers and almost-sisters - its a difficult things to understand and an even more difficult thing to keep. people grow and change, and i am not sure what's better: to grow together or to grow apart.
5. forgiveness - when do you know when to forgive? what's past the second strike? if its even a situation to be forgiven, or perhaps i just realized i cared more than i should have? what's appropriate to forgiven, and when should the chalk be whipped out and "lost" be written?
6. me - sage words -
The person u are now is
pretty much it. I mean, you're done. You're gonna grow, change a
little bit more, so focus on this person.
buts its so hard for me to accept me...
(to the girl who once saw rainbows through her eyelashes)
((my biggest fear is myself...wow)
1. silence - there are things i see that are sketchy as hell but i won't speak on because it could mean losing a future contact. but its annoying - i am told one thing, but i see another. and i can't speak on it because it would make things 'awkward'. or maybe just awkward for you and ... fine for me. (she says as she sits back and sucks her teeth lol) but really, i am realizing i am more and more daring with testing the limits of appropriateness, especially in questioning things...imma just let that one fall off...
2. advice - don't ask me for advice unless you plan to listen. don't ask me for advice, then argue with me about it, then turn around and ask me again what you should do. it will save me some breath. if i talk to you for an extended amount of time it normally means (surprise) i actually care about you. and wouldn't purposefully try to lead you astray. (no anger there, i swear)
2.5 truth - why does it often sound so mean?
3. phones - so i didn't call. now i actually answer. i realize that as much as i said before that people shouldn't take my no-answering-the-phone thing personal, people (once again, see above statement) don't listen to me. so i know its going to take some time to re-build some of the friendships i lost during college. but why has it been so hard to keep the ones i had?
4. friendship - is a tricky thing. between lovers and almost-sisters - its a difficult things to understand and an even more difficult thing to keep. people grow and change, and i am not sure what's better: to grow together or to grow apart.
5. forgiveness - when do you know when to forgive? what's past the second strike? if its even a situation to be forgiven, or perhaps i just realized i cared more than i should have? what's appropriate to forgiven, and when should the chalk be whipped out and "lost" be written?
6. me - sage words -
The person u are now is
pretty much it. I mean, you're done. You're gonna grow, change a
little bit more, so focus on this person.
buts its so hard for me to accept me...
(to the girl who once saw rainbows through her eyelashes)
((my biggest fear is myself...wow)
05 July 2007
paolo nutini
i keep thinking back over the past 24 hours, and i don't know how to respond - i laugh, then i just shake my head, wonder a little, laugh a little more, and think really, what am i going to do?
can a guy ever really tell the truth?
so, i 've been told by mulitple people that i have a guy's mentality when it comes to dating and sex. so, from as far as i can reach, the only reason a guy might hide something is that he's scared whatever hidden information might put the sex in danger.
with me - naw, not so much. as long as we are on the same page, then its all good.
i don't understand why Truth is so difficult. but this also makes me realize just how much i've grown. one thing i am not feeling is anger - what happen had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him (as crazy as that shit was). this realization is doing leaps and bounds for my self esteem - i already know i'm worth whatever i could want, even with my issues of trust (those can be eradicated with a healthy relationship). i'm just ...confused? perplexed? what the fuck is the problem?
so for the future, first questions i ask - "are you capable of being honest? being truly 100 with me? cause if not, then this shit can stop right here."
hiding ish is just disrespectful and stupid and created unnecessary drama.
aight, had to get that out so i can get it off my mind.
wipe me down.
(lol)
gotta get back on that grind. get me some new shoes.
can a guy ever really tell the truth?
so, i 've been told by mulitple people that i have a guy's mentality when it comes to dating and sex. so, from as far as i can reach, the only reason a guy might hide something is that he's scared whatever hidden information might put the sex in danger.
with me - naw, not so much. as long as we are on the same page, then its all good.
i don't understand why Truth is so difficult. but this also makes me realize just how much i've grown. one thing i am not feeling is anger - what happen had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him (as crazy as that shit was). this realization is doing leaps and bounds for my self esteem - i already know i'm worth whatever i could want, even with my issues of trust (those can be eradicated with a healthy relationship). i'm just ...confused? perplexed? what the fuck is the problem?
so for the future, first questions i ask - "are you capable of being honest? being truly 100 with me? cause if not, then this shit can stop right here."
hiding ish is just disrespectful and stupid and created unnecessary drama.
aight, had to get that out so i can get it off my mind.
wipe me down.
(lol)
gotta get back on that grind. get me some new shoes.
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