today is day one - new teacher orientation...
gosh, i look like a teacher!
17 August 2007
11 August 2007
sometimes, you gotta question...
i think questioning where you're at in life is healthy - i mean, if your on the right path, then you can answer the questions, but if you can't...well, that's something else, right?
so go with me here for a minute.
so i'm doing some grocery shopping this morning..30 at schnucks....30 at aldi's...10 something at the dollar store...trying to stretch the dollar while i'm trying to eat healthier, you know, more organic, no pork, which automatically means spending a little more than normal, but i think 'hey, your health is worth it'
i get to the last store, the dollar store, and ole girl behind the counter looks - a litte harried, to say the least. hair's not done. scars across her face. she's obviously a little stressed, cause she's the only one working the registers. there's a line forming, and somebody asks her if she tried hiring some more, to which she responds that she would, but that the store doesnt make enough money, and she apologizes for making us stand in the line and wait. immediately, all the harried looks of the line standers melts away as we all sympathize. immediately, everyone becomes more helpful, lifting stuff and bagging for her.
i leave, wondering whether life would be easier if i didn't have to worry about more complex stresses - teaching and helping my people. i wonder what would life be like if i lived for the now...
i drive past a cop car. im well within the speed limit. he eyes me and inches out.
drives slowly behind me. picks up the phone.
i take an out of the way back street just to confirm what i already know - he's running my plates.
then comes the confident anger that accompanies the knowledge that yea, i know im clean. what - you didn't have nothing better to do than to follow me?
he runs them. finds nothing. eyes me through the rearview and make a u turn to go back to whatever corner he pulled out of.
i wondered some more as i drove home, more pissed than a b****-
no matter how high you go, you still just a ni**a.
so i asked myself - is it worth it? the nice apartment in the nice neighborhood, the car, although its a little angry at me right now (lol) the degree and the debt it put me in, the job in two weeks, the education about my health....etc etc...is it all worth it?
or could i have
been that girl, living in the hood, on public assistance maybe, working part or full time in some lower-end job, or maybe even going through tech training to be a hair dresser or have some other skilled job, just doing day to day, not worried about some unpromised future, delaying delayed gratification for the instant happiness of whatever clothes i want when i see them, maybe saving a little to get a old school, throwin some d's on it and being happy with where i am, maybe helping folks along the way...
i think questioning where you're at in life is healthy - i mean, if your on the right path, then you can answer the questions, but if you can't...
so go with me here for a minute.
so i'm doing some grocery shopping this morning..30 at schnucks....30 at aldi's...10 something at the dollar store...trying to stretch the dollar while i'm trying to eat healthier, you know, more organic, no pork, which automatically means spending a little more than normal, but i think 'hey, your health is worth it'
i get to the last store, the dollar store, and ole girl behind the counter looks - a litte harried, to say the least. hair's not done. scars across her face. she's obviously a little stressed, cause she's the only one working the registers. there's a line forming, and somebody asks her if she tried hiring some more, to which she responds that she would, but that the store doesnt make enough money, and she apologizes for making us stand in the line and wait. immediately, all the harried looks of the line standers melts away as we all sympathize. immediately, everyone becomes more helpful, lifting stuff and bagging for her.
i leave, wondering whether life would be easier if i didn't have to worry about more complex stresses - teaching and helping my people. i wonder what would life be like if i lived for the now...
i drive past a cop car. im well within the speed limit. he eyes me and inches out.
drives slowly behind me. picks up the phone.
i take an out of the way back street just to confirm what i already know - he's running my plates.
then comes the confident anger that accompanies the knowledge that yea, i know im clean. what - you didn't have nothing better to do than to follow me?
he runs them. finds nothing. eyes me through the rearview and make a u turn to go back to whatever corner he pulled out of.
i wondered some more as i drove home, more pissed than a b****-
no matter how high you go, you still just a ni**a.
so i asked myself - is it worth it? the nice apartment in the nice neighborhood, the car, although its a little angry at me right now (lol) the degree and the debt it put me in, the job in two weeks, the education about my health....etc etc...is it all worth it?
or could i have
been that girl, living in the hood, on public assistance maybe, working part or full time in some lower-end job, or maybe even going through tech training to be a hair dresser or have some other skilled job, just doing day to day, not worried about some unpromised future, delaying delayed gratification for the instant happiness of whatever clothes i want when i see them, maybe saving a little to get a old school, throwin some d's on it and being happy with where i am, maybe helping folks along the way...
i think questioning where you're at in life is healthy - i mean, if your on the right path, then you can answer the questions, but if you can't...
09 August 2007
mad mad mad
a. being an adult sucks (sometimes) cause you know from what experience you have when and what you should be doing, and all the responsibility falls on you when you don't do that.
like i miss ole boy. but i know i should'nt say that to him because that is a relationship whose doors do not need to be re-opened right now until i am 100% sure exactly where i want to take that.
and i need to tell ole boy #2 that the reason i haven't called him is because he has two kids...
and i should tell ole boy three (pleasedon'tcallpleasedon'tcallmeback) that i probably won't talk to him cause he has a kid....and not because he's white (cause strangely, im good on that now) but because he just seems sketchy. and i need lines in my life. not sketchiness.
and i need to figure out how to just be friends with ole boy four..
(there are a lot of ole boys, no?)
b. im pissed about what i have to do with ole girl. this is not how we started, but people change. im just pissed i pick difficult friendships.
c. i'm starting to believe the stereotypes about black people - that we are all hood, don't go to shcool, can't speak well, all the men are in jail, all the women are baby mamas and are crazy as hell, etc etc. so when i meet someone black who isn't, i have the classic white response "oh! you're so articulate!" damn.
aight, gotta close up shop and get home.
t
like i miss ole boy. but i know i should'nt say that to him because that is a relationship whose doors do not need to be re-opened right now until i am 100% sure exactly where i want to take that.
and i need to tell ole boy #2 that the reason i haven't called him is because he has two kids...
and i should tell ole boy three (pleasedon'tcallpleasedon'tcallmeback) that i probably won't talk to him cause he has a kid....and not because he's white (cause strangely, im good on that now) but because he just seems sketchy. and i need lines in my life. not sketchiness.
and i need to figure out how to just be friends with ole boy four..
(there are a lot of ole boys, no?)
b. im pissed about what i have to do with ole girl. this is not how we started, but people change. im just pissed i pick difficult friendships.
c. i'm starting to believe the stereotypes about black people - that we are all hood, don't go to shcool, can't speak well, all the men are in jail, all the women are baby mamas and are crazy as hell, etc etc. so when i meet someone black who isn't, i have the classic white response "oh! you're so articulate!" damn.
aight, gotta close up shop and get home.
t
08 August 2007
livin' in the projects / what is blackness?
so i just saw the little scrappy song "livin' in the projects" (see the video) (read the lyrics) and i'm pissed. and just ... tired.
when did living in the projects become the quintessential experience of black people? when did we start striving to get street cred instead of going to damn school? who the fuck mistakenly believes that hardship only happens in the projects?
i've spent a couple years hearing the "taunt" that i was a suburban girl. i'm not going to prove just how "black" i am. i don't feel a need to any more. but for those stuck in Backwardsville:
yea, i had the lights turned off.
yea, lived through eviction. twice.
yea, didn't have any food in the frig for a while.
yea, had the electricity turned off.
yea, christmas got kinda sparse a couple of years.
yea, i was teased for talking white.
yea, i made it to a top ten almost-ivy school and was promptly called 'ghetto'.
(how's that for some role reversal?)
so what, im suppose to revel in these experiences? am i suppose to look back with fondness in my heart and nostalgia on my face like "yea, it was fun when we had roaches"?
and whats funny is that this problem isn't new - back in the day, blackness was still questioned between the formally educated 'elite' and the "peons" - and it was seen as a positive to be educated and still self-describe yourself as a "race man/woman". look it up.
nor am i arguing for the opposite - i understand that living in the projects comes with a type of stigma in some circles...that being on stamps can be embarrassing...that accepting welfare checks can be demoralizing on the self-esteem, especially for those that see themselves as the head of the household. but i know mad people who are morally and educationally richer in the projects than some i've met at school. and i've seen some apartments that looked straight out of a home and garden magazine...i still wonder how miss d. got that big ass couch and glass dining room table in her spot on the third floor with no elevator...
and vice versa - nasty people live everywhere. they ain't limited to one section of town. please believe. and rich folk got more problems than any other group i've ever seen - not only is it keeping up with the schnucks' and forsyths', its working hella hours a week. and a hustle is a hustle - rich folk just got better lawyers.
and i know i am one big contradiction - i am the first to talk about revoking a black card or getting it stamped. but yeah, i heard that comment a while ago (i forgot who said it to me) that we, as a black people, should stop saying "such and such is ghetto" because it only adds to this idea that those who live in ghettos are sub-standard. i know i have some ish to work on, and this is why i needed to get this out. i know i am not the only person who has been teased for living where they do. shit, i called somebody oreo way back in the day (as i sat in class with my dad's corduroy pants [cause that was cheaper than buying a new pair] and my freshly sharpie -colored-in black shoes [so you couldn't see the holes. i still do that to flip flops]).
we all kinda fucked up and we, as a people, have got to do better. aim higher. believe more in ourselves that shit really can improve in our lives, and stop with the helplessness that ignorance grants - get up get out and better yourself and better opportunities will present themselves to you. nothing worth having in life comes easy, and walking through that door of opportunity might not be as easy for you as it was for another, but do it nonetheless and be proud of the fact that yes, you can be black and live in the 'burbs. you can be black and not know how to do the soldier boy (although that dance is mad fun)
...you can be black and teach at a private school and not see yourself as selling out... whoops. my bad. one of the haints haunting me slipped out...
when did living in the projects become the quintessential experience of black people? when did we start striving to get street cred instead of going to damn school? who the fuck mistakenly believes that hardship only happens in the projects?
i've spent a couple years hearing the "taunt" that i was a suburban girl. i'm not going to prove just how "black" i am. i don't feel a need to any more. but for those stuck in Backwardsville:
yea, i had the lights turned off.
yea, lived through eviction. twice.
yea, didn't have any food in the frig for a while.
yea, had the electricity turned off.
yea, christmas got kinda sparse a couple of years.
yea, i was teased for talking white.
yea, i made it to a top ten almost-ivy school and was promptly called 'ghetto'.
(how's that for some role reversal?)
so what, im suppose to revel in these experiences? am i suppose to look back with fondness in my heart and nostalgia on my face like "yea, it was fun when we had roaches"?
and whats funny is that this problem isn't new - back in the day, blackness was still questioned between the formally educated 'elite' and the "peons" - and it was seen as a positive to be educated and still self-describe yourself as a "race man/woman". look it up.
nor am i arguing for the opposite - i understand that living in the projects comes with a type of stigma in some circles...that being on stamps can be embarrassing...that accepting welfare checks can be demoralizing on the self-esteem, especially for those that see themselves as the head of the household. but i know mad people who are morally and educationally richer in the projects than some i've met at school. and i've seen some apartments that looked straight out of a home and garden magazine...i still wonder how miss d. got that big ass couch and glass dining room table in her spot on the third floor with no elevator...
and vice versa - nasty people live everywhere. they ain't limited to one section of town. please believe. and rich folk got more problems than any other group i've ever seen - not only is it keeping up with the schnucks' and forsyths', its working hella hours a week. and a hustle is a hustle - rich folk just got better lawyers.
and i know i am one big contradiction - i am the first to talk about revoking a black card or getting it stamped. but yeah, i heard that comment a while ago (i forgot who said it to me) that we, as a black people, should stop saying "such and such is ghetto" because it only adds to this idea that those who live in ghettos are sub-standard. i know i have some ish to work on, and this is why i needed to get this out. i know i am not the only person who has been teased for living where they do. shit, i called somebody oreo way back in the day (as i sat in class with my dad's corduroy pants [cause that was cheaper than buying a new pair] and my freshly sharpie -colored-in black shoes [so you couldn't see the holes. i still do that to flip flops]).
we all kinda fucked up and we, as a people, have got to do better. aim higher. believe more in ourselves that shit really can improve in our lives, and stop with the helplessness that ignorance grants - get up get out and better yourself and better opportunities will present themselves to you. nothing worth having in life comes easy, and walking through that door of opportunity might not be as easy for you as it was for another, but do it nonetheless and be proud of the fact that yes, you can be black and live in the 'burbs. you can be black and not know how to do the soldier boy (although that dance is mad fun)
...you can be black and teach at a private school and not see yourself as selling out... whoops. my bad. one of the haints haunting me slipped out...
pulling the cards tighter / confessions
i just got this feeling recently - and i've been listening to my feelings and intuition a lot - that i should pull my cards in just a little tighter. make sure my ass (and the collective asses of those i care about) are covered. i don't know what this is....maybe its just the anxiety in my gut from school about to start and what not, but it just seems like something massive is about to happen, and i don't want to be left standing high and dry in the cold like damn...
so anyways, realized some things about myself recently:
1. i can be very self righteous and slightly snobby - yep. all that education got me thinking i know some things, and while i am smart, i don't know it all. sometimes, its just better to be quiet and listen. you know, nod and smile, not smirk, but smile.
2. i am quite selfish - i want what i want it when i want it iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii - yea, i've used that pronoun a lot lately. count how many times a day you use it - i bet ( <- see!) you will surprise yourself.
3. i don't listen very well - or maybe i do, i just have some memory loss issues. or maybe, i just don't care as much as i think i do which is why i don't remember some things people say to me.
(hmm)
4. i'm quite OCD - EVERYTHING must be clean. ALL THE TIME. i had a dream last night i walked into an apartment with roaches everywhere and mice and it was just so disgusting i think i threw up a little in the back of my mouth.
5. i like list - its my ocd playing out again.
;-)
t
so anyways, realized some things about myself recently:
1. i can be very self righteous and slightly snobby - yep. all that education got me thinking i know some things, and while i am smart, i don't know it all. sometimes, its just better to be quiet and listen. you know, nod and smile, not smirk, but smile.
2. i am quite selfish - i want what i want it when i want it iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii - yea, i've used that pronoun a lot lately. count how many times a day you use it - i bet ( <- see!) you will surprise yourself.
3. i don't listen very well - or maybe i do, i just have some memory loss issues. or maybe, i just don't care as much as i think i do which is why i don't remember some things people say to me.
(hmm)
4. i'm quite OCD - EVERYTHING must be clean. ALL THE TIME. i had a dream last night i walked into an apartment with roaches everywhere and mice and it was just so disgusting i think i threw up a little in the back of my mouth.
5. i like list - its my ocd playing out again.
;-)
t
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