"sticks and stones may break my bones
but tears don't leave any scars"
-madeline peyroux
so i'm reading quirkyalone and got to the chapter called quirkytogether and i got a little hopeful...
i value my alone time. i love doing what i just did before i got up and decided to blog a bit - i sat in bed, reading, wrapped in my down comforter with the window open, listening to great music ( suba is playing now) and i completely understand the idea that
"if loneliness is about lack, solitude is the opposite, a feeling of being whole, sometimes deliciously so"
after my date last night, i felt an old me finally stepping up to claim her rightful place in my psych. the one that was called weird and odd for the past four years. the one who went into hiding at wash u to protect herself from any MORE damage. the one scribbled furtively away in the dim cellphone light of a darkened sleep-ridden shared dorm room so as not to wake the roommate.
this love is a deliciously so kinda reintroduction. the kind that won't accept any preludes.
14 October 2007
06 October 2007
stepping
so i just quit two of three jobs. the two part time ones - i'm not that insane.
and swear, i saw the monkey jump off my back and walk out my door.
i am done.
done with work at 3.
done with fallbacks. i gotta step up. i can live off of what i make - there is no reason for me to be tripping on money when im not hurting.
i have to stop settling...no first, i have to let old shit go. so i didn't have the best opportunities handed to me. so i didn't go to the best school. i went to college. i went to a damn good college. and i got a great job.
so i have all this opportunity and i don't really know how to make the best of it - what happens when you have stole the master's tools and you don't know how to use them to destroy the house? didn't anticipate this, but it just means more learning. more reading to know what so few others came into this world knowing already. i have to keep shit in perspective - im striving to be in the top ten percent - the cream of the educational, financial , economic crop. its going to take some work, and even if i don't have someone validating my every decision, i have to trust myself that yea, i am a smart girl, and i can make rational decisions.
with that, back to settling.
i have to stop settling. i have to believe that i can do better - when it comes to careers, i am at least qualified to be manager, if not the damn director of whatever job i apply to! it doesn't matter that i am young - i am smart, inquisitive, and a leader. i get shit done.
i have to believe i can do better with men. i know that i am a catch; i've been told more than once. so when a guy comes around and treats me like anything less, its not my job to school him, but it is my responsibility to myself to let him go his own way while i continue to keep my standards. even if i haven't seen what i want, i know it exist, and thats all i can hope for. i must continue to hold myself down, and when i want a mister right, be ready to recognize ripe fruit because i am already familiar with it through myself.
its time to step it up.
and swear, i saw the monkey jump off my back and walk out my door.
i am done.
done with work at 3.
done with fallbacks. i gotta step up. i can live off of what i make - there is no reason for me to be tripping on money when im not hurting.
i have to stop settling...no first, i have to let old shit go. so i didn't have the best opportunities handed to me. so i didn't go to the best school. i went to college. i went to a damn good college. and i got a great job.
so i have all this opportunity and i don't really know how to make the best of it - what happens when you have stole the master's tools and you don't know how to use them to destroy the house? didn't anticipate this, but it just means more learning. more reading to know what so few others came into this world knowing already. i have to keep shit in perspective - im striving to be in the top ten percent - the cream of the educational, financial , economic crop. its going to take some work, and even if i don't have someone validating my every decision, i have to trust myself that yea, i am a smart girl, and i can make rational decisions.
with that, back to settling.
i have to stop settling. i have to believe that i can do better - when it comes to careers, i am at least qualified to be manager, if not the damn director of whatever job i apply to! it doesn't matter that i am young - i am smart, inquisitive, and a leader. i get shit done.
i have to believe i can do better with men. i know that i am a catch; i've been told more than once. so when a guy comes around and treats me like anything less, its not my job to school him, but it is my responsibility to myself to let him go his own way while i continue to keep my standards. even if i haven't seen what i want, i know it exist, and thats all i can hope for. i must continue to hold myself down, and when i want a mister right, be ready to recognize ripe fruit because i am already familiar with it through myself.
its time to step it up.
04 October 2007
ramblings of a sick girl
having strep can drive you crazy...or just give you the space to think.
so i have to stay home until i am done with the meds. imma have a lot of time to think.
like these thoughts -
i've always been under the assumption that we were the revolutionaries. that black people were the ones on the front line doing all the dirt, getting the gold medal of the oppression olympics. but i stumbled upon a movie i saw a loooooooong time ago - the incredible story of two girls in love. leave it to me to notice a side note of the movie - the mail girl, randy, lives with a bunch of women, and they all eat organic. this move was made in 1995. dude, i just GOT on organic. my point is this - when you step out of the mainstream, your always seen as weird, but most of the time, your just way before your time. like 12 years before. and maybe, we - black people, the glbtqia movement, etc - have some thing to learn from each other. maybe one revolution didn't open the doors for another, but our collective pushing got it to budge and we just pulled each other through.
leave it to me to run with a metaphor.
also just got done watching evan almighty - i have NOTHING to do this early in the morning - and learned another valuable lesson. maybe, when you pray to God for something, he doesn't give you what you asked, but the opportunity to achieve. you pray for patience, he gives you a chance to be patient. you pray for strength, he gives you a chance to be strong. he gives you the chance to recognize the God in you.
that makes sense considering how often i've had deja vu lately - like maybe i've lived through something in my own life, then i see a friend going through the same issues, so i get a chance to watch and learn from another perspective. maybe that's whats going on...
so i have to stay home until i am done with the meds. imma have a lot of time to think.
like these thoughts -
i've always been under the assumption that we were the revolutionaries. that black people were the ones on the front line doing all the dirt, getting the gold medal of the oppression olympics. but i stumbled upon a movie i saw a loooooooong time ago - the incredible story of two girls in love. leave it to me to notice a side note of the movie - the mail girl, randy, lives with a bunch of women, and they all eat organic. this move was made in 1995. dude, i just GOT on organic. my point is this - when you step out of the mainstream, your always seen as weird, but most of the time, your just way before your time. like 12 years before. and maybe, we - black people, the glbtqia movement, etc - have some thing to learn from each other. maybe one revolution didn't open the doors for another, but our collective pushing got it to budge and we just pulled each other through.
leave it to me to run with a metaphor.
also just got done watching evan almighty - i have NOTHING to do this early in the morning - and learned another valuable lesson. maybe, when you pray to God for something, he doesn't give you what you asked, but the opportunity to achieve. you pray for patience, he gives you a chance to be patient. you pray for strength, he gives you a chance to be strong. he gives you the chance to recognize the God in you.
that makes sense considering how often i've had deja vu lately - like maybe i've lived through something in my own life, then i see a friend going through the same issues, so i get a chance to watch and learn from another perspective. maybe that's whats going on...
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