today is day one - new teacher orientation...
gosh, i look like a teacher!
17 August 2007
11 August 2007
sometimes, you gotta question...
i think questioning where you're at in life is healthy - i mean, if your on the right path, then you can answer the questions, but if you can't...well, that's something else, right?
so go with me here for a minute.
so i'm doing some grocery shopping this morning..30 at schnucks....30 at aldi's...10 something at the dollar store...trying to stretch the dollar while i'm trying to eat healthier, you know, more organic, no pork, which automatically means spending a little more than normal, but i think 'hey, your health is worth it'
i get to the last store, the dollar store, and ole girl behind the counter looks - a litte harried, to say the least. hair's not done. scars across her face. she's obviously a little stressed, cause she's the only one working the registers. there's a line forming, and somebody asks her if she tried hiring some more, to which she responds that she would, but that the store doesnt make enough money, and she apologizes for making us stand in the line and wait. immediately, all the harried looks of the line standers melts away as we all sympathize. immediately, everyone becomes more helpful, lifting stuff and bagging for her.
i leave, wondering whether life would be easier if i didn't have to worry about more complex stresses - teaching and helping my people. i wonder what would life be like if i lived for the now...
i drive past a cop car. im well within the speed limit. he eyes me and inches out.
drives slowly behind me. picks up the phone.
i take an out of the way back street just to confirm what i already know - he's running my plates.
then comes the confident anger that accompanies the knowledge that yea, i know im clean. what - you didn't have nothing better to do than to follow me?
he runs them. finds nothing. eyes me through the rearview and make a u turn to go back to whatever corner he pulled out of.
i wondered some more as i drove home, more pissed than a b****-
no matter how high you go, you still just a ni**a.
so i asked myself - is it worth it? the nice apartment in the nice neighborhood, the car, although its a little angry at me right now (lol) the degree and the debt it put me in, the job in two weeks, the education about my health....etc etc...is it all worth it?
or could i have
been that girl, living in the hood, on public assistance maybe, working part or full time in some lower-end job, or maybe even going through tech training to be a hair dresser or have some other skilled job, just doing day to day, not worried about some unpromised future, delaying delayed gratification for the instant happiness of whatever clothes i want when i see them, maybe saving a little to get a old school, throwin some d's on it and being happy with where i am, maybe helping folks along the way...
i think questioning where you're at in life is healthy - i mean, if your on the right path, then you can answer the questions, but if you can't...
so go with me here for a minute.
so i'm doing some grocery shopping this morning..30 at schnucks....30 at aldi's...10 something at the dollar store...trying to stretch the dollar while i'm trying to eat healthier, you know, more organic, no pork, which automatically means spending a little more than normal, but i think 'hey, your health is worth it'
i get to the last store, the dollar store, and ole girl behind the counter looks - a litte harried, to say the least. hair's not done. scars across her face. she's obviously a little stressed, cause she's the only one working the registers. there's a line forming, and somebody asks her if she tried hiring some more, to which she responds that she would, but that the store doesnt make enough money, and she apologizes for making us stand in the line and wait. immediately, all the harried looks of the line standers melts away as we all sympathize. immediately, everyone becomes more helpful, lifting stuff and bagging for her.
i leave, wondering whether life would be easier if i didn't have to worry about more complex stresses - teaching and helping my people. i wonder what would life be like if i lived for the now...
i drive past a cop car. im well within the speed limit. he eyes me and inches out.
drives slowly behind me. picks up the phone.
i take an out of the way back street just to confirm what i already know - he's running my plates.
then comes the confident anger that accompanies the knowledge that yea, i know im clean. what - you didn't have nothing better to do than to follow me?
he runs them. finds nothing. eyes me through the rearview and make a u turn to go back to whatever corner he pulled out of.
i wondered some more as i drove home, more pissed than a b****-
no matter how high you go, you still just a ni**a.
so i asked myself - is it worth it? the nice apartment in the nice neighborhood, the car, although its a little angry at me right now (lol) the degree and the debt it put me in, the job in two weeks, the education about my health....etc etc...is it all worth it?
or could i have
been that girl, living in the hood, on public assistance maybe, working part or full time in some lower-end job, or maybe even going through tech training to be a hair dresser or have some other skilled job, just doing day to day, not worried about some unpromised future, delaying delayed gratification for the instant happiness of whatever clothes i want when i see them, maybe saving a little to get a old school, throwin some d's on it and being happy with where i am, maybe helping folks along the way...
i think questioning where you're at in life is healthy - i mean, if your on the right path, then you can answer the questions, but if you can't...
09 August 2007
mad mad mad
a. being an adult sucks (sometimes) cause you know from what experience you have when and what you should be doing, and all the responsibility falls on you when you don't do that.
like i miss ole boy. but i know i should'nt say that to him because that is a relationship whose doors do not need to be re-opened right now until i am 100% sure exactly where i want to take that.
and i need to tell ole boy #2 that the reason i haven't called him is because he has two kids...
and i should tell ole boy three (pleasedon'tcallpleasedon'tcallmeback) that i probably won't talk to him cause he has a kid....and not because he's white (cause strangely, im good on that now) but because he just seems sketchy. and i need lines in my life. not sketchiness.
and i need to figure out how to just be friends with ole boy four..
(there are a lot of ole boys, no?)
b. im pissed about what i have to do with ole girl. this is not how we started, but people change. im just pissed i pick difficult friendships.
c. i'm starting to believe the stereotypes about black people - that we are all hood, don't go to shcool, can't speak well, all the men are in jail, all the women are baby mamas and are crazy as hell, etc etc. so when i meet someone black who isn't, i have the classic white response "oh! you're so articulate!" damn.
aight, gotta close up shop and get home.
t
like i miss ole boy. but i know i should'nt say that to him because that is a relationship whose doors do not need to be re-opened right now until i am 100% sure exactly where i want to take that.
and i need to tell ole boy #2 that the reason i haven't called him is because he has two kids...
and i should tell ole boy three (pleasedon'tcallpleasedon'tcallmeback) that i probably won't talk to him cause he has a kid....and not because he's white (cause strangely, im good on that now) but because he just seems sketchy. and i need lines in my life. not sketchiness.
and i need to figure out how to just be friends with ole boy four..
(there are a lot of ole boys, no?)
b. im pissed about what i have to do with ole girl. this is not how we started, but people change. im just pissed i pick difficult friendships.
c. i'm starting to believe the stereotypes about black people - that we are all hood, don't go to shcool, can't speak well, all the men are in jail, all the women are baby mamas and are crazy as hell, etc etc. so when i meet someone black who isn't, i have the classic white response "oh! you're so articulate!" damn.
aight, gotta close up shop and get home.
t
08 August 2007
livin' in the projects / what is blackness?
so i just saw the little scrappy song "livin' in the projects" (see the video) (read the lyrics) and i'm pissed. and just ... tired.
when did living in the projects become the quintessential experience of black people? when did we start striving to get street cred instead of going to damn school? who the fuck mistakenly believes that hardship only happens in the projects?
i've spent a couple years hearing the "taunt" that i was a suburban girl. i'm not going to prove just how "black" i am. i don't feel a need to any more. but for those stuck in Backwardsville:
yea, i had the lights turned off.
yea, lived through eviction. twice.
yea, didn't have any food in the frig for a while.
yea, had the electricity turned off.
yea, christmas got kinda sparse a couple of years.
yea, i was teased for talking white.
yea, i made it to a top ten almost-ivy school and was promptly called 'ghetto'.
(how's that for some role reversal?)
so what, im suppose to revel in these experiences? am i suppose to look back with fondness in my heart and nostalgia on my face like "yea, it was fun when we had roaches"?
and whats funny is that this problem isn't new - back in the day, blackness was still questioned between the formally educated 'elite' and the "peons" - and it was seen as a positive to be educated and still self-describe yourself as a "race man/woman". look it up.
nor am i arguing for the opposite - i understand that living in the projects comes with a type of stigma in some circles...that being on stamps can be embarrassing...that accepting welfare checks can be demoralizing on the self-esteem, especially for those that see themselves as the head of the household. but i know mad people who are morally and educationally richer in the projects than some i've met at school. and i've seen some apartments that looked straight out of a home and garden magazine...i still wonder how miss d. got that big ass couch and glass dining room table in her spot on the third floor with no elevator...
and vice versa - nasty people live everywhere. they ain't limited to one section of town. please believe. and rich folk got more problems than any other group i've ever seen - not only is it keeping up with the schnucks' and forsyths', its working hella hours a week. and a hustle is a hustle - rich folk just got better lawyers.
and i know i am one big contradiction - i am the first to talk about revoking a black card or getting it stamped. but yeah, i heard that comment a while ago (i forgot who said it to me) that we, as a black people, should stop saying "such and such is ghetto" because it only adds to this idea that those who live in ghettos are sub-standard. i know i have some ish to work on, and this is why i needed to get this out. i know i am not the only person who has been teased for living where they do. shit, i called somebody oreo way back in the day (as i sat in class with my dad's corduroy pants [cause that was cheaper than buying a new pair] and my freshly sharpie -colored-in black shoes [so you couldn't see the holes. i still do that to flip flops]).
we all kinda fucked up and we, as a people, have got to do better. aim higher. believe more in ourselves that shit really can improve in our lives, and stop with the helplessness that ignorance grants - get up get out and better yourself and better opportunities will present themselves to you. nothing worth having in life comes easy, and walking through that door of opportunity might not be as easy for you as it was for another, but do it nonetheless and be proud of the fact that yes, you can be black and live in the 'burbs. you can be black and not know how to do the soldier boy (although that dance is mad fun)
...you can be black and teach at a private school and not see yourself as selling out... whoops. my bad. one of the haints haunting me slipped out...
when did living in the projects become the quintessential experience of black people? when did we start striving to get street cred instead of going to damn school? who the fuck mistakenly believes that hardship only happens in the projects?
i've spent a couple years hearing the "taunt" that i was a suburban girl. i'm not going to prove just how "black" i am. i don't feel a need to any more. but for those stuck in Backwardsville:
yea, i had the lights turned off.
yea, lived through eviction. twice.
yea, didn't have any food in the frig for a while.
yea, had the electricity turned off.
yea, christmas got kinda sparse a couple of years.
yea, i was teased for talking white.
yea, i made it to a top ten almost-ivy school and was promptly called 'ghetto'.
(how's that for some role reversal?)
so what, im suppose to revel in these experiences? am i suppose to look back with fondness in my heart and nostalgia on my face like "yea, it was fun when we had roaches"?
and whats funny is that this problem isn't new - back in the day, blackness was still questioned between the formally educated 'elite' and the "peons" - and it was seen as a positive to be educated and still self-describe yourself as a "race man/woman". look it up.
nor am i arguing for the opposite - i understand that living in the projects comes with a type of stigma in some circles...that being on stamps can be embarrassing...that accepting welfare checks can be demoralizing on the self-esteem, especially for those that see themselves as the head of the household. but i know mad people who are morally and educationally richer in the projects than some i've met at school. and i've seen some apartments that looked straight out of a home and garden magazine...i still wonder how miss d. got that big ass couch and glass dining room table in her spot on the third floor with no elevator...
and vice versa - nasty people live everywhere. they ain't limited to one section of town. please believe. and rich folk got more problems than any other group i've ever seen - not only is it keeping up with the schnucks' and forsyths', its working hella hours a week. and a hustle is a hustle - rich folk just got better lawyers.
and i know i am one big contradiction - i am the first to talk about revoking a black card or getting it stamped. but yeah, i heard that comment a while ago (i forgot who said it to me) that we, as a black people, should stop saying "such and such is ghetto" because it only adds to this idea that those who live in ghettos are sub-standard. i know i have some ish to work on, and this is why i needed to get this out. i know i am not the only person who has been teased for living where they do. shit, i called somebody oreo way back in the day (as i sat in class with my dad's corduroy pants [cause that was cheaper than buying a new pair] and my freshly sharpie -colored-in black shoes [so you couldn't see the holes. i still do that to flip flops]).
we all kinda fucked up and we, as a people, have got to do better. aim higher. believe more in ourselves that shit really can improve in our lives, and stop with the helplessness that ignorance grants - get up get out and better yourself and better opportunities will present themselves to you. nothing worth having in life comes easy, and walking through that door of opportunity might not be as easy for you as it was for another, but do it nonetheless and be proud of the fact that yes, you can be black and live in the 'burbs. you can be black and not know how to do the soldier boy (although that dance is mad fun)
...you can be black and teach at a private school and not see yourself as selling out... whoops. my bad. one of the haints haunting me slipped out...
pulling the cards tighter / confessions
i just got this feeling recently - and i've been listening to my feelings and intuition a lot - that i should pull my cards in just a little tighter. make sure my ass (and the collective asses of those i care about) are covered. i don't know what this is....maybe its just the anxiety in my gut from school about to start and what not, but it just seems like something massive is about to happen, and i don't want to be left standing high and dry in the cold like damn...
so anyways, realized some things about myself recently:
1. i can be very self righteous and slightly snobby - yep. all that education got me thinking i know some things, and while i am smart, i don't know it all. sometimes, its just better to be quiet and listen. you know, nod and smile, not smirk, but smile.
2. i am quite selfish - i want what i want it when i want it iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii - yea, i've used that pronoun a lot lately. count how many times a day you use it - i bet ( <- see!) you will surprise yourself.
3. i don't listen very well - or maybe i do, i just have some memory loss issues. or maybe, i just don't care as much as i think i do which is why i don't remember some things people say to me.
(hmm)
4. i'm quite OCD - EVERYTHING must be clean. ALL THE TIME. i had a dream last night i walked into an apartment with roaches everywhere and mice and it was just so disgusting i think i threw up a little in the back of my mouth.
5. i like list - its my ocd playing out again.
;-)
t
so anyways, realized some things about myself recently:
1. i can be very self righteous and slightly snobby - yep. all that education got me thinking i know some things, and while i am smart, i don't know it all. sometimes, its just better to be quiet and listen. you know, nod and smile, not smirk, but smile.
2. i am quite selfish - i want what i want it when i want it iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii - yea, i've used that pronoun a lot lately. count how many times a day you use it - i bet ( <- see!) you will surprise yourself.
3. i don't listen very well - or maybe i do, i just have some memory loss issues. or maybe, i just don't care as much as i think i do which is why i don't remember some things people say to me.
(hmm)
4. i'm quite OCD - EVERYTHING must be clean. ALL THE TIME. i had a dream last night i walked into an apartment with roaches everywhere and mice and it was just so disgusting i think i threw up a little in the back of my mouth.
5. i like list - its my ocd playing out again.
;-)
t
31 July 2007
mulligan #1
right all up in the midst of it.
day started as such:
took two sleeping pills cause i still wasn't asleep at god knows when in the morning
woken up by cramps
threw up because cramps were so bad
got amazing heat pad from e
fell asleep, drugged with three aleeve, some graham crackers and a towel...
think i told my boss the reason i wasn't coming in was because of diarrhea??? i didn't have that!
that was the beginning of the day.
ups and downs in life are amazing. was called selfish today. friend saw me cry for the first time in our...three? four? year relationship (wow, its been so long!). made 17 life choices and acted on none of them in the span of a few hours. then got cursed out for moving too fast. welcome to why i needed therapy in the first place.
my biggest question right now is what am i most afraid of? and how am i going to deal with what i know i have to do?
and i am going to admit it. i want a knight in shining armor. not literally, but the kind of guy that doesn't have to ask me what to do, he just does it. i have to deal with so many other decisions in life, imma just let you do what you do and nod and smile.
(yeah i said it. i just set women back some what, 50 years?)
why do i miss you? or do i just miss the idea of you that i created in my head?
so, chicago tomorrow. cleveland next week. and then school begins. and life begins to change. some more. and i've been told i'm strong. strong is knowing when you can't handle anymore and having the courage to say so. even if people don't agree with you.
how much of this is just growing up? how much of this is all me? how much is just normal and really, how much is just...crazy as all hell?
heard that another dude...totally unrelated to me...lied about some big things. like family and ish....really. can ANY dude tell the truth? see, this is why i'm just chillin right now. i can't take any more bulls*** - i got enough in my life. but if some realness walks up, then i'll holla ;-)
[aaannnnddd.....i'm not going to sleep anytime soon, and tonight, i am not going to let it bother me.]
day started as such:
took two sleeping pills cause i still wasn't asleep at god knows when in the morning
woken up by cramps
threw up because cramps were so bad
got amazing heat pad from e
fell asleep, drugged with three aleeve, some graham crackers and a towel...
think i told my boss the reason i wasn't coming in was because of diarrhea??? i didn't have that!
that was the beginning of the day.
ups and downs in life are amazing. was called selfish today. friend saw me cry for the first time in our...three? four? year relationship (wow, its been so long!). made 17 life choices and acted on none of them in the span of a few hours. then got cursed out for moving too fast. welcome to why i needed therapy in the first place.
my biggest question right now is what am i most afraid of? and how am i going to deal with what i know i have to do?
and i am going to admit it. i want a knight in shining armor. not literally, but the kind of guy that doesn't have to ask me what to do, he just does it. i have to deal with so many other decisions in life, imma just let you do what you do and nod and smile.
(yeah i said it. i just set women back some what, 50 years?)
why do i miss you? or do i just miss the idea of you that i created in my head?
so, chicago tomorrow. cleveland next week. and then school begins. and life begins to change. some more. and i've been told i'm strong. strong is knowing when you can't handle anymore and having the courage to say so. even if people don't agree with you.
how much of this is just growing up? how much of this is all me? how much is just normal and really, how much is just...crazy as all hell?
heard that another dude...totally unrelated to me...lied about some big things. like family and ish....really. can ANY dude tell the truth? see, this is why i'm just chillin right now. i can't take any more bulls*** - i got enough in my life. but if some realness walks up, then i'll holla ;-)
[aaannnnddd.....i'm not going to sleep anytime soon, and tonight, i am not going to let it bother me.]
25 July 2007
oh shit...
i'm a teacher!
i just got my books ( all 10 of them. yes ten) and the run down of how class will be. i also met with my mentor, a, who gave me the run down of stl schools, office politics, and being a young black woman in a "society school". One piece of advice sticks with me:
"keep your eyes open, mouth shut, and hold your cards tightly to you".
its really not a game. I'm so excited, but i have to take serious advantage of this opportunity. i have the chance to learn from others mistakes and wisdom, and i am so freakin grateful of that, but i have to remember - this is a game. i gotta stay focused on my goals. i gotta make sure i cover my ass at all times. i have plans, dreams, aspirations - and it feels so weird to finally see them in sight. to know that with some dedication and patience and brilliance i can get there.
i. can. get. there.
i am so freakin proud of myself!! and so thankful of how i got here - through all the bullshit and pain, and with the help of so many, mad love, and patience - i'm here.
*smile*
k, enough reveling. time to get down to business. i got a gazillion chapters to read, and not only that, i gotta find secondary sources, primary sources, make some lesson plans...
*still smiling*
okay...one more piece of giddines - I get a tablet pc! and an office! and benefits! i have health care! and i think i know what i'm doing! and my mentor at school is cool! did i say i know what i'm doing? cause i think i do! IMMA HAVE A LAPTOP BITCHES!
*lol*
( oh! and new music!! black/female house music - the ish. latrice barnett - the new hotness in my life. who knew we did electronica and techno? )
k, im done. for real this time.
i just got my books ( all 10 of them. yes ten) and the run down of how class will be. i also met with my mentor, a, who gave me the run down of stl schools, office politics, and being a young black woman in a "society school". One piece of advice sticks with me:
"keep your eyes open, mouth shut, and hold your cards tightly to you".
its really not a game. I'm so excited, but i have to take serious advantage of this opportunity. i have the chance to learn from others mistakes and wisdom, and i am so freakin grateful of that, but i have to remember - this is a game. i gotta stay focused on my goals. i gotta make sure i cover my ass at all times. i have plans, dreams, aspirations - and it feels so weird to finally see them in sight. to know that with some dedication and patience and brilliance i can get there.
i. can. get. there.
i am so freakin proud of myself!! and so thankful of how i got here - through all the bullshit and pain, and with the help of so many, mad love, and patience - i'm here.
*smile*
k, enough reveling. time to get down to business. i got a gazillion chapters to read, and not only that, i gotta find secondary sources, primary sources, make some lesson plans...
*still smiling*
okay...one more piece of giddines - I get a tablet pc! and an office! and benefits! i have health care! and i think i know what i'm doing! and my mentor at school is cool! did i say i know what i'm doing? cause i think i do! IMMA HAVE A LAPTOP BITCHES!
*lol*
( oh! and new music!! black/female house music - the ish. latrice barnett - the new hotness in my life. who knew we did electronica and techno? )
k, im done. for real this time.
14 July 2007
intuition (its not just a razor)
that little voice in the back of your head is a funny thing. the moment you begin to listen to it, your life begins to change. things that could have gotten you in trouble, you begin to ignore. you begin to see growth - physical, mental, spiritual - and positivity just re-affirms itself. the voice louder and develops new facets...
1. it can become belligerent when you don't listen.
2. other effects - such as severe hangovers after a night when you knew you shouldn't be drinking - are all blamed on the voice.
3. it massages your self-esteem - when you do something right, and you know its right, you start needing less and less recognition and become increasingly happy that you can be content within yourself.
4. people start to realize that you have changed, and that you are more and more sincere. this voice begins to reveal itself.
= its just been you. all along.
it hasn't been so much of finding myself as really realizing that i have always been here. i have been looking elsewhere, out-where, for so long, that when i finally just stop. and look back, there i am. i am beginning to settle in-to myself, and i realized that i am pretty comfortable. this is a great feeling. to feel better than okay with the choices i am making. to know what i need to do, and that it will all manifest in good time. to be able to slow down. to have increasing confidence in my capacities as a rational human being. to no longer be embarrassed when i make a mistake. to realize that i already have all the love i need (im not all the way here yet, but its dawning..)
just to finally. exhale. no need to sigh anymore.
i almost feel smug - like yeah, i am right. i am okay. i wasn't trippin. i did make the right decision. that doesn't bother me. i won't miss you, but its okay if i miss some parts of you. i do love you even though i can't be with you. no, i dont have to name names cause i've already made my peace.
God, this feels good.
im finally breathing on my own.
God. this feels good.
1. it can become belligerent when you don't listen.
2. other effects - such as severe hangovers after a night when you knew you shouldn't be drinking - are all blamed on the voice.
3. it massages your self-esteem - when you do something right, and you know its right, you start needing less and less recognition and become increasingly happy that you can be content within yourself.
4. people start to realize that you have changed, and that you are more and more sincere. this voice begins to reveal itself.
= its just been you. all along.
it hasn't been so much of finding myself as really realizing that i have always been here. i have been looking elsewhere, out-where, for so long, that when i finally just stop. and look back, there i am. i am beginning to settle in-to myself, and i realized that i am pretty comfortable. this is a great feeling. to feel better than okay with the choices i am making. to know what i need to do, and that it will all manifest in good time. to be able to slow down. to have increasing confidence in my capacities as a rational human being. to no longer be embarrassed when i make a mistake. to realize that i already have all the love i need (im not all the way here yet, but its dawning..)
just to finally. exhale. no need to sigh anymore.
i almost feel smug - like yeah, i am right. i am okay. i wasn't trippin. i did make the right decision. that doesn't bother me. i won't miss you, but its okay if i miss some parts of you. i do love you even though i can't be with you. no, i dont have to name names cause i've already made my peace.
God, this feels good.
im finally breathing on my own.
God. this feels good.
12 July 2007
phones make me angry
just realized this...so i'm chillin at work, makin v do her damn paper (lol) and i realize - i can be social when i am with someone, but phones? yeah, not so much.
they just make me angry...
i might be fine before ithe phone rings, then i go to answer, and i quickly become annoyed.
if already perturbed, then i become irascible.
why? i don't know. v says i need to get over this, especially if i plan on making this segue into the small-business-ownership world (???)
yeah, its becoming more and more of a reality....this is crazy... its like, when you have dreamed a dream for so long that it no longer seems achievable....like some displaced fiction that has no place in real world things...this feeling is new - shaping dreams into reality is just...weird. and scary. to say the least.
as always
we'll see.
they just make me angry...
i might be fine before ithe phone rings, then i go to answer, and i quickly become annoyed.
if already perturbed, then i become irascible.
why? i don't know. v says i need to get over this, especially if i plan on making this segue into the small-business-ownership world (???)
yeah, its becoming more and more of a reality....this is crazy... its like, when you have dreamed a dream for so long that it no longer seems achievable....like some displaced fiction that has no place in real world things...this feeling is new - shaping dreams into reality is just...weird. and scary. to say the least.
as always
we'll see.
11 July 2007
lessons in humility and patience
this day didn't start out bad at all.
i woke, felt good, went to text a friend....
phone was turned off.
went online - got the wrong info. went galavanting to friend's house with said wrong info ordering payment on part of our phone bill. discovered 9 hours later that she may have paid my portion.
whoops.
random ass info about a friend that kinda hurt. i know i didn't answer before, but i've changed. how do you convince people that you've changed?
i realized that people are a lot more sensitive and (not negatively) self-absorbed than i thought. we really do think that everything done is concerning us - that lady not responding "hello" to my greeting, that man taking another route (was it to avoid me?) someone not answering the phone (was it becasuse i called?) we really are insecure.
90% of the time, any situation in which you are apart of really, really, does not concern you. great words told to me by someone else, as most wisdom is. all this before work.
i realized that people are a lot more sensitive and (not negatively) self-absorbed than i thought. we really do think that everything done is concerning us - that lady not responding "hello" to my greeting, that man taking another route (was it to avoid me?) someone not answering the phone (was it becasuse i called?) we really are insecure.
90% of the time, any situation in which you are apart of really, really, does not concern you. great words told to me by someone else, as most wisdom is. all this before work.
went to work, actually had fun because i felt like a manager - unpacking, doing charge sends, etc. left, came home, got restless...
starting eating. i think i have an eating problem - i eat when i am bored, when i am restless, when i am full...and there was no MAYONNAISE!! how can i work under these circumstances? and the depressing part is i might not be able to buy some cause of said goofed phone bill.
damn
(braids kept falling in my face) +too short to pull into a ponytail+too hot in apartment+too expensive to use air=EXTREME ANNOYANCE
went to sleep. phone begins to ring off the hook constantly (its working now?)
wake up. clean like a mad woman.
now at work. realized that phone bill wouldn't be so bad if i actually followed my bill due dates instead of paying whenever...
my bad
09 July 2007
my bad...
i already know that i shouldn't be writing this late because my thoughts after midnight are usually uncensored and unusually clear, but here i go anywayz...
1. silence - there are things i see that are sketchy as hell but i won't speak on because it could mean losing a future contact. but its annoying - i am told one thing, but i see another. and i can't speak on it because it would make things 'awkward'. or maybe just awkward for you and ... fine for me. (she says as she sits back and sucks her teeth lol) but really, i am realizing i am more and more daring with testing the limits of appropriateness, especially in questioning things...imma just let that one fall off...
2. advice - don't ask me for advice unless you plan to listen. don't ask me for advice, then argue with me about it, then turn around and ask me again what you should do. it will save me some breath. if i talk to you for an extended amount of time it normally means (surprise) i actually care about you. and wouldn't purposefully try to lead you astray. (no anger there, i swear)
2.5 truth - why does it often sound so mean?
3. phones - so i didn't call. now i actually answer. i realize that as much as i said before that people shouldn't take my no-answering-the-phone thing personal, people (once again, see above statement) don't listen to me. so i know its going to take some time to re-build some of the friendships i lost during college. but why has it been so hard to keep the ones i had?
4. friendship - is a tricky thing. between lovers and almost-sisters - its a difficult things to understand and an even more difficult thing to keep. people grow and change, and i am not sure what's better: to grow together or to grow apart.
5. forgiveness - when do you know when to forgive? what's past the second strike? if its even a situation to be forgiven, or perhaps i just realized i cared more than i should have? what's appropriate to forgiven, and when should the chalk be whipped out and "lost" be written?
6. me - sage words -
The person u are now is
pretty much it. I mean, you're done. You're gonna grow, change a
little bit more, so focus on this person.
buts its so hard for me to accept me...
(to the girl who once saw rainbows through her eyelashes)
((my biggest fear is myself...wow)
1. silence - there are things i see that are sketchy as hell but i won't speak on because it could mean losing a future contact. but its annoying - i am told one thing, but i see another. and i can't speak on it because it would make things 'awkward'. or maybe just awkward for you and ... fine for me. (she says as she sits back and sucks her teeth lol) but really, i am realizing i am more and more daring with testing the limits of appropriateness, especially in questioning things...imma just let that one fall off...
2. advice - don't ask me for advice unless you plan to listen. don't ask me for advice, then argue with me about it, then turn around and ask me again what you should do. it will save me some breath. if i talk to you for an extended amount of time it normally means (surprise) i actually care about you. and wouldn't purposefully try to lead you astray. (no anger there, i swear)
2.5 truth - why does it often sound so mean?
3. phones - so i didn't call. now i actually answer. i realize that as much as i said before that people shouldn't take my no-answering-the-phone thing personal, people (once again, see above statement) don't listen to me. so i know its going to take some time to re-build some of the friendships i lost during college. but why has it been so hard to keep the ones i had?
4. friendship - is a tricky thing. between lovers and almost-sisters - its a difficult things to understand and an even more difficult thing to keep. people grow and change, and i am not sure what's better: to grow together or to grow apart.
5. forgiveness - when do you know when to forgive? what's past the second strike? if its even a situation to be forgiven, or perhaps i just realized i cared more than i should have? what's appropriate to forgiven, and when should the chalk be whipped out and "lost" be written?
6. me - sage words -
The person u are now is
pretty much it. I mean, you're done. You're gonna grow, change a
little bit more, so focus on this person.
buts its so hard for me to accept me...
(to the girl who once saw rainbows through her eyelashes)
((my biggest fear is myself...wow)
05 July 2007
paolo nutini
i keep thinking back over the past 24 hours, and i don't know how to respond - i laugh, then i just shake my head, wonder a little, laugh a little more, and think really, what am i going to do?
can a guy ever really tell the truth?
so, i 've been told by mulitple people that i have a guy's mentality when it comes to dating and sex. so, from as far as i can reach, the only reason a guy might hide something is that he's scared whatever hidden information might put the sex in danger.
with me - naw, not so much. as long as we are on the same page, then its all good.
i don't understand why Truth is so difficult. but this also makes me realize just how much i've grown. one thing i am not feeling is anger - what happen had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him (as crazy as that shit was). this realization is doing leaps and bounds for my self esteem - i already know i'm worth whatever i could want, even with my issues of trust (those can be eradicated with a healthy relationship). i'm just ...confused? perplexed? what the fuck is the problem?
so for the future, first questions i ask - "are you capable of being honest? being truly 100 with me? cause if not, then this shit can stop right here."
hiding ish is just disrespectful and stupid and created unnecessary drama.
aight, had to get that out so i can get it off my mind.
wipe me down.
(lol)
gotta get back on that grind. get me some new shoes.
can a guy ever really tell the truth?
so, i 've been told by mulitple people that i have a guy's mentality when it comes to dating and sex. so, from as far as i can reach, the only reason a guy might hide something is that he's scared whatever hidden information might put the sex in danger.
with me - naw, not so much. as long as we are on the same page, then its all good.
i don't understand why Truth is so difficult. but this also makes me realize just how much i've grown. one thing i am not feeling is anger - what happen had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him (as crazy as that shit was). this realization is doing leaps and bounds for my self esteem - i already know i'm worth whatever i could want, even with my issues of trust (those can be eradicated with a healthy relationship). i'm just ...confused? perplexed? what the fuck is the problem?
so for the future, first questions i ask - "are you capable of being honest? being truly 100 with me? cause if not, then this shit can stop right here."
hiding ish is just disrespectful and stupid and created unnecessary drama.
aight, had to get that out so i can get it off my mind.
wipe me down.
(lol)
gotta get back on that grind. get me some new shoes.
29 June 2007
missing
to him who kissed me on the basketball courts.
(initially):
you wouldn't ever believed i missed you anyways...
(initially):
you wouldn't ever believed i missed you anyways...
II.
ur fingers traverse ancient trails across my body with delicate sweetness
as I lay, lulled between this physical and that dream
what is this exquisite feeling, flushing my skin a dusky hue?
I shift, rustling sheets to turn towards u
(eyes still closed)
not wanting to disturb this delicious tension
your lips question silently as they shyly lay on mine
a nocturnal nod for you to continue, no doubt.
you nuzzle my face
as u grow ... bolder
ur fingers play scales on raised ebony kisses
in this shared moonlit room
My eyelids stay still
as i moan
hoping not to wake my roommate in the next bed...
28 June 2007
lemonade and all
some thoughts from today
1. my fam - always the entity closest to my heart. after a talk with the middle sis, i felt invigorated. its time to live up to my name. its time to make my grandpa proud. its so...funny. we know our dreams so well, but we are always to afraid to try to make them real. as if, somehow, we might fail. as if that would be the most devastating thing in the world. but truly, the worst thing would be never to have tried at all.
2. relationships - me and the roomie talked. we know, without being conceited, that we love ourselves, and really, we are pretty cool people. i guess its time to let that radiate outwards. not to just say it, but really truly believe it. i know im not perfect, and i have things to work on (which i thinks makes me better) but i also know that i am pretty damn cool, and that counts for something. and that i don't need to settle for anything less than a mountain (thanks lucille)
3. forgiveness - its hard to forgive that person in your past that hurt you so bad you just knew you wouldn't trust again. for me, it wasn't just some random guy, although there was one, but it was someone i love dearly, and i still love. and even though i don't understand all of what happen, i still forgive and also ask for forgiveness, and i think that wound is finally finally starting to heal. and with the guy, i wonder, what do you do? someone told me tonight that what he did was not intentional - but does that mean that it hurts any less than malicious intent? sometimes it is the mistakes, the sheer carelessness of thought, that smarts the worse. and what, as the receiver, should you do? can you be friends? should you let it go completely? is there an in-between? as one who has been hurt and has done the hurting, i'm am still unsure, but i know that feelings are something that are unbelievably fragile, and should not be taken lightly. i guess all you can do is recognize, and keep living day to day, and try to sweeten the bitterness left from past lemons.
you know, lemonade and all.
1. my fam - always the entity closest to my heart. after a talk with the middle sis, i felt invigorated. its time to live up to my name. its time to make my grandpa proud. its so...funny. we know our dreams so well, but we are always to afraid to try to make them real. as if, somehow, we might fail. as if that would be the most devastating thing in the world. but truly, the worst thing would be never to have tried at all.
2. relationships - me and the roomie talked. we know, without being conceited, that we love ourselves, and really, we are pretty cool people. i guess its time to let that radiate outwards. not to just say it, but really truly believe it. i know im not perfect, and i have things to work on (which i thinks makes me better) but i also know that i am pretty damn cool, and that counts for something. and that i don't need to settle for anything less than a mountain (thanks lucille)
3. forgiveness - its hard to forgive that person in your past that hurt you so bad you just knew you wouldn't trust again. for me, it wasn't just some random guy, although there was one, but it was someone i love dearly, and i still love. and even though i don't understand all of what happen, i still forgive and also ask for forgiveness, and i think that wound is finally finally starting to heal. and with the guy, i wonder, what do you do? someone told me tonight that what he did was not intentional - but does that mean that it hurts any less than malicious intent? sometimes it is the mistakes, the sheer carelessness of thought, that smarts the worse. and what, as the receiver, should you do? can you be friends? should you let it go completely? is there an in-between? as one who has been hurt and has done the hurting, i'm am still unsure, but i know that feelings are something that are unbelievably fragile, and should not be taken lightly. i guess all you can do is recognize, and keep living day to day, and try to sweeten the bitterness left from past lemons.
you know, lemonade and all.
27 June 2007
cause i had to quote it
"You always got a hand full of nappy headed apples that go and screw everything up for the rest of us that are keeping it real."
- my sister
i got inspired by this and this recently. so, i'm working on a plan, and i think i am going to start writing again. journaling in my actual journal (bought by the other sister) because:
"for some time now - i think since i was a child - i have been possessed of some desire to put down the stuff of my life. that is a commonplace impulse, apparently, among people of massive self-interest; sooner of later we all do it. and, i am quite certain, there is only one internalquarrel: how much of the truth to tell? how much, how much, how much!"
- lorraine hansberry, to be young, gifted and black.
holla
- my sister
i got inspired by this and this recently. so, i'm working on a plan, and i think i am going to start writing again. journaling in my actual journal (bought by the other sister) because:
"for some time now - i think since i was a child - i have been possessed of some desire to put down the stuff of my life. that is a commonplace impulse, apparently, among people of massive self-interest; sooner of later we all do it. and, i am quite certain, there is only one internalquarrel: how much of the truth to tell? how much, how much, how much!"
- lorraine hansberry, to be young, gifted and black.
holla
26 June 2007
my story
i'm awake again...can't sleep...
so i had a great convo with j about life as a whole...lasted a few hours...i guess that's what prompted me to go break out the old journals...
i've been journaling/writing since 2001...i had another journal that i lost somewhere... so my life is all there, in blue red and black ink...i remember someone telling me that they can't stand to write cause then you have the opportunity to go back and read not only the good, but everything that went wrong as well...
after reading mine, i see what she means.
i have been through so...much...shit in my life. shit that i had blocked out.
*pause*
shit i've never told anyone.
but then again, only one person has ever asked. one. out of so many. cause its one thing to talk. but its another thing when someone actually wants to listen to you. really truly shuts up and listens.
i want to tell my story...but why? where does this need come to share all the experiences that make you you? and what will it do for you? will it be the sigh that i finally need?
*pause*
i honestly don't know how i made it so far.
i gotta go think on some things.
(for rae-rae, rafi and dev, and ...)
so i had a great convo with j about life as a whole...lasted a few hours...i guess that's what prompted me to go break out the old journals...
i've been journaling/writing since 2001...i had another journal that i lost somewhere... so my life is all there, in blue red and black ink...i remember someone telling me that they can't stand to write cause then you have the opportunity to go back and read not only the good, but everything that went wrong as well...
after reading mine, i see what she means.
i have been through so...much...shit in my life. shit that i had blocked out.
*pause*
shit i've never told anyone.
but then again, only one person has ever asked. one. out of so many. cause its one thing to talk. but its another thing when someone actually wants to listen to you. really truly shuts up and listens.
i want to tell my story...but why? where does this need come to share all the experiences that make you you? and what will it do for you? will it be the sigh that i finally need?
*pause*
i honestly don't know how i made it so far.
i gotta go think on some things.
(for rae-rae, rafi and dev, and ...)
22 June 2007
back on the bus
nothing like riding the bus to bring you back to where you came from. some things i learned today:
you will NEVER get your money situation straight. so don't wait until you can to get your dreams in order.
i'm not a nice person. but i am a good person.
j is the older sister in our friendship
always buy in pairs if you like the shoe
even the whitest looking girl could be black. especially if said girl is dating a black man.
every shoe (so far) hurts after 5 hours unless they are flats
you aren't grown and sexy if you refer to yourself as such.
i'm ghetto. a man proselytizing about Jesus said i was, so it must be true...
those who hate aren't haters (as i thought...hence the above label applied to me by said man) but are murderers.
and last but not least...
never underestimate the power of the blank stare. mine's looks mean, so even if i am 100lbs soaking wet, i never get bothered, cause i have to be crazy to be that small and fall asleep on the train/bus.
-t
you will NEVER get your money situation straight. so don't wait until you can to get your dreams in order.
i'm not a nice person. but i am a good person.
j is the older sister in our friendship
always buy in pairs if you like the shoe
even the whitest looking girl could be black. especially if said girl is dating a black man.
every shoe (so far) hurts after 5 hours unless they are flats
you aren't grown and sexy if you refer to yourself as such.
i'm ghetto. a man proselytizing about Jesus said i was, so it must be true...
those who hate aren't haters (as i thought...hence the above label applied to me by said man) but are murderers.
and last but not least...
never underestimate the power of the blank stare. mine's looks mean, so even if i am 100lbs soaking wet, i never get bothered, cause i have to be crazy to be that small and fall asleep on the train/bus.
-t
20 June 2007
what happens when you suddenly think you realize that there is something else that you should be doing, no matter how hard you have tried to convince yourself that the profession you chose is what you should do?
do you shirk it off as the existential ramblings of youth?
what do you do when you realize that where you are is not where you want to be?
do you just shrug your shoulders with the realization that a lot of people are dislocated as well?
what do you do when you begin to understand who you really are, realizing that you've known yourself for so long, but you just can't be yourself around others...what do you do when you realize that you aren't as fearless as you thought you were...
(maybe enlightenment comes when you watch SVU...who knew?)
do you shirk it off as the existential ramblings of youth?
what do you do when you realize that where you are is not where you want to be?
do you just shrug your shoulders with the realization that a lot of people are dislocated as well?
what do you do when you begin to understand who you really are, realizing that you've known yourself for so long, but you just can't be yourself around others...what do you do when you realize that you aren't as fearless as you thought you were...
(maybe enlightenment comes when you watch SVU...who knew?)
19 June 2007
i hate being an adult because
...there is black mold growing in my closet because the painters never came to repair the wall where water was leaking because of my neighbor upstairs using their air conditioner as well they should be because i don't think it could be any hotter on the SUN than it is in this apartment building...
...i peeled the label off of some container (i don't remember) and little black spores of something floated out...and now, i have been coughing up snot since last night...
...i can't take off work because i am poor because i live in a decent apartment with decent-sized bills and i have a decent amount of credit card debit and student loans to pay off and my mom no longer pays for my auto insurance. that was the only thing she paid for, so its not so bad...because i am already used to being BROKE...
...because i still want to have fun, but it's kinda hard to go out and spend money knowing that that five dollars could have went to groceries... or the next bill, whatever it may be (gas light rent phone insurance loans credit card)...
... because i still want to have fun...the reason i don't have kids yet...and travel and maybe have a new car and maybe buy a new computer and i still don't have an ipod...
...because after the age of 10 to 12 years of age, young women, especially me, get to meet aunt flo, and her bad ass kid PMS, which makes everything THAT MUCH WORSE...with chocolate and salt cravings on the side...
but i am glad...that i made it this far...and i have internet and a blog to bitch on...and i know that really, this all isn't that bad and not just because there are those proverbial kids in africa starving, but because it really isn't that bad. just annoying as all hell.
i guess i hate ... or get annoyed with being an adult because mommy isn't there anymore to take responsibility for my actions. i gotta stand on my own two.
but at least she taught me how to walk.
...i peeled the label off of some container (i don't remember) and little black spores of something floated out...and now, i have been coughing up snot since last night...
...i can't take off work because i am poor because i live in a decent apartment with decent-sized bills and i have a decent amount of credit card debit and student loans to pay off and my mom no longer pays for my auto insurance. that was the only thing she paid for, so its not so bad...because i am already used to being BROKE...
...because i still want to have fun, but it's kinda hard to go out and spend money knowing that that five dollars could have went to groceries... or the next bill, whatever it may be (gas light rent phone insurance loans credit card)...
... because i still want to have fun...the reason i don't have kids yet...and travel and maybe have a new car and maybe buy a new computer and i still don't have an ipod...
...because after the age of 10 to 12 years of age, young women, especially me, get to meet aunt flo, and her bad ass kid PMS, which makes everything THAT MUCH WORSE...with chocolate and salt cravings on the side...
but i am glad...that i made it this far...and i have internet and a blog to bitch on...and i know that really, this all isn't that bad and not just because there are those proverbial kids in africa starving, but because it really isn't that bad. just annoying as all hell.
i guess i hate ... or get annoyed with being an adult because mommy isn't there anymore to take responsibility for my actions. i gotta stand on my own two.
but at least she taught me how to walk.
17 June 2007
love...monogamy...real love (?)
so i was cleaning, and a thought hit me...
so everyone (or many) want to meet that perfect someone. that one guy or girl that you can spend the rest of your life with.
but im starting to think that this expectation is a little unachievable. not because im a pessimist....on the contrary, i think real love is cool (understatement of the year) but think about it:
so i have friends, guys and girls. but just looking at my girl-friends i realize they aren't perfect. There is something different and unique i appreciate in every one of them that i don't see the same in another. one likes to chill and be a homebody and one likes to go out and party. one will talk endlessly about randomness and another likes to be concise and to the point, no questions asked. one is all about family, and another has a different perspective on what the perfect family life will be, one that probably won't include kids. i guess the point is, they aren't perfect.
no one person can have everything you want. nor can you be everything someone else needs. all you can really do is be you. isn't that what makes things work? isn't that what makes life perfect?
so, for me to be cool with the fact that my friends collectively hold the qualities that i cherish, then to turn around and expect one guy to have what they have collectively seems...off.
so...marriage? so...monogamy?
for example. not everyone is cool with the idea of being in a relationship with multiple people. for example, being with a guy that can lay it down in the bedroom (or wherever you decide to go ;-) ... and at the same time, being with a guy that you can talk with forever...and with a guy that loves to go out to eat, to movies, to clubs, and is adventurous - will go hiking, or road trip somewhere with you, etc...and being with a guy that you can just be a homebody with (without having to worry if he is bored)...
i am starting to think that this is okay...
why? cause it just seems more realistic. but the problem comes in with issues of respect. i have no problem being in this kind of relationship(s) if there is honesty. i'm talking : i'll be monogamous with the dude that puts it down cause that's just healthy. with the others, it won't get to a point where the first needs to be jealous. at the same time, everyone should know about everyone else - not hide the fact that some days, i'm hanging with this person, and not you. and that everyone has the freedom to do what they want to do. i think that hiding things is where you get into trouble - that starts the lying, and i just can't trust or respect a liar. and if things change, i.e. you find someone that is seemingly just the perfect match (i am a hopeless romantic even after all) then our relationship
STOPS.
i have too much respect for others to cheat. its just rude. we can be friends, but thats all...
and its not all black and white. maybe you only really need two people - like a type a and type b - maybe people change (wow, novel thought) and your relationships change from wanting to be with mr. crazy all the time to just mr. chill. Then you and mr. crazy become friends...less time, less committment with each other...
i hit a quandry - what's the difference between a friendship and a relationship? traditionally, it seems the only thing separating the two is sex...the gender and the physical act... wow, thats hella superficial....
back to cleaning.
so everyone (or many) want to meet that perfect someone. that one guy or girl that you can spend the rest of your life with.
but im starting to think that this expectation is a little unachievable. not because im a pessimist....on the contrary, i think real love is cool (understatement of the year) but think about it:
so i have friends, guys and girls. but just looking at my girl-friends i realize they aren't perfect. There is something different and unique i appreciate in every one of them that i don't see the same in another. one likes to chill and be a homebody and one likes to go out and party. one will talk endlessly about randomness and another likes to be concise and to the point, no questions asked. one is all about family, and another has a different perspective on what the perfect family life will be, one that probably won't include kids. i guess the point is, they aren't perfect.
no one person can have everything you want. nor can you be everything someone else needs. all you can really do is be you. isn't that what makes things work? isn't that what makes life perfect?
so, for me to be cool with the fact that my friends collectively hold the qualities that i cherish, then to turn around and expect one guy to have what they have collectively seems...off.
so...marriage? so...monogamy?
for example. not everyone is cool with the idea of being in a relationship with multiple people. for example, being with a guy that can lay it down in the bedroom (or wherever you decide to go ;-) ... and at the same time, being with a guy that you can talk with forever...and with a guy that loves to go out to eat, to movies, to clubs, and is adventurous - will go hiking, or road trip somewhere with you, etc...and being with a guy that you can just be a homebody with (without having to worry if he is bored)...
i am starting to think that this is okay...
why? cause it just seems more realistic. but the problem comes in with issues of respect. i have no problem being in this kind of relationship(s) if there is honesty. i'm talking : i'll be monogamous with the dude that puts it down cause that's just healthy. with the others, it won't get to a point where the first needs to be jealous. at the same time, everyone should know about everyone else - not hide the fact that some days, i'm hanging with this person, and not you. and that everyone has the freedom to do what they want to do. i think that hiding things is where you get into trouble - that starts the lying, and i just can't trust or respect a liar. and if things change, i.e. you find someone that is seemingly just the perfect match (i am a hopeless romantic even after all) then our relationship
STOPS.
i have too much respect for others to cheat. its just rude. we can be friends, but thats all...
and its not all black and white. maybe you only really need two people - like a type a and type b - maybe people change (wow, novel thought) and your relationships change from wanting to be with mr. crazy all the time to just mr. chill. Then you and mr. crazy become friends...less time, less committment with each other...
i hit a quandry - what's the difference between a friendship and a relationship? traditionally, it seems the only thing separating the two is sex...the gender and the physical act... wow, thats hella superficial....
back to cleaning.
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