right all up in the midst of it.
day started as such:
took two sleeping pills cause i still wasn't asleep at god knows when in the morning
woken up by cramps
threw up because cramps were so bad
got amazing heat pad from e
fell asleep, drugged with three aleeve, some graham crackers and a towel...
think i told my boss the reason i wasn't coming in was because of diarrhea??? i didn't have that!
that was the beginning of the day.
ups and downs in life are amazing. was called selfish today. friend saw me cry for the first time in our...three? four? year relationship (wow, its been so long!). made 17 life choices and acted on none of them in the span of a few hours. then got cursed out for moving too fast. welcome to why i needed therapy in the first place.
my biggest question right now is what am i most afraid of? and how am i going to deal with what i know i have to do?
and i am going to admit it. i want a knight in shining armor. not literally, but the kind of guy that doesn't have to ask me what to do, he just does it. i have to deal with so many other decisions in life, imma just let you do what you do and nod and smile.
(yeah i said it. i just set women back some what, 50 years?)
why do i miss you? or do i just miss the idea of you that i created in my head?
so, chicago tomorrow. cleveland next week. and then school begins. and life begins to change. some more. and i've been told i'm strong. strong is knowing when you can't handle anymore and having the courage to say so. even if people don't agree with you.
how much of this is just growing up? how much of this is all me? how much is just normal and really, how much is just...crazy as all hell?
heard that another dude...totally unrelated to me...lied about some big things. like family and ish....really. can ANY dude tell the truth? see, this is why i'm just chillin right now. i can't take any more bulls*** - i got enough in my life. but if some realness walks up, then i'll holla ;-)
[aaannnnddd.....i'm not going to sleep anytime soon, and tonight, i am not going to let it bother me.]
31 July 2007
25 July 2007
oh shit...
i'm a teacher!
i just got my books ( all 10 of them. yes ten) and the run down of how class will be. i also met with my mentor, a, who gave me the run down of stl schools, office politics, and being a young black woman in a "society school". One piece of advice sticks with me:
"keep your eyes open, mouth shut, and hold your cards tightly to you".
its really not a game. I'm so excited, but i have to take serious advantage of this opportunity. i have the chance to learn from others mistakes and wisdom, and i am so freakin grateful of that, but i have to remember - this is a game. i gotta stay focused on my goals. i gotta make sure i cover my ass at all times. i have plans, dreams, aspirations - and it feels so weird to finally see them in sight. to know that with some dedication and patience and brilliance i can get there.
i. can. get. there.
i am so freakin proud of myself!! and so thankful of how i got here - through all the bullshit and pain, and with the help of so many, mad love, and patience - i'm here.
*smile*
k, enough reveling. time to get down to business. i got a gazillion chapters to read, and not only that, i gotta find secondary sources, primary sources, make some lesson plans...
*still smiling*
okay...one more piece of giddines - I get a tablet pc! and an office! and benefits! i have health care! and i think i know what i'm doing! and my mentor at school is cool! did i say i know what i'm doing? cause i think i do! IMMA HAVE A LAPTOP BITCHES!
*lol*
( oh! and new music!! black/female house music - the ish. latrice barnett - the new hotness in my life. who knew we did electronica and techno? )
k, im done. for real this time.
i just got my books ( all 10 of them. yes ten) and the run down of how class will be. i also met with my mentor, a, who gave me the run down of stl schools, office politics, and being a young black woman in a "society school". One piece of advice sticks with me:
"keep your eyes open, mouth shut, and hold your cards tightly to you".
its really not a game. I'm so excited, but i have to take serious advantage of this opportunity. i have the chance to learn from others mistakes and wisdom, and i am so freakin grateful of that, but i have to remember - this is a game. i gotta stay focused on my goals. i gotta make sure i cover my ass at all times. i have plans, dreams, aspirations - and it feels so weird to finally see them in sight. to know that with some dedication and patience and brilliance i can get there.
i. can. get. there.
i am so freakin proud of myself!! and so thankful of how i got here - through all the bullshit and pain, and with the help of so many, mad love, and patience - i'm here.
*smile*
k, enough reveling. time to get down to business. i got a gazillion chapters to read, and not only that, i gotta find secondary sources, primary sources, make some lesson plans...
*still smiling*
okay...one more piece of giddines - I get a tablet pc! and an office! and benefits! i have health care! and i think i know what i'm doing! and my mentor at school is cool! did i say i know what i'm doing? cause i think i do! IMMA HAVE A LAPTOP BITCHES!
*lol*
( oh! and new music!! black/female house music - the ish. latrice barnett - the new hotness in my life. who knew we did electronica and techno? )
k, im done. for real this time.
14 July 2007
intuition (its not just a razor)
that little voice in the back of your head is a funny thing. the moment you begin to listen to it, your life begins to change. things that could have gotten you in trouble, you begin to ignore. you begin to see growth - physical, mental, spiritual - and positivity just re-affirms itself. the voice louder and develops new facets...
1. it can become belligerent when you don't listen.
2. other effects - such as severe hangovers after a night when you knew you shouldn't be drinking - are all blamed on the voice.
3. it massages your self-esteem - when you do something right, and you know its right, you start needing less and less recognition and become increasingly happy that you can be content within yourself.
4. people start to realize that you have changed, and that you are more and more sincere. this voice begins to reveal itself.
= its just been you. all along.
it hasn't been so much of finding myself as really realizing that i have always been here. i have been looking elsewhere, out-where, for so long, that when i finally just stop. and look back, there i am. i am beginning to settle in-to myself, and i realized that i am pretty comfortable. this is a great feeling. to feel better than okay with the choices i am making. to know what i need to do, and that it will all manifest in good time. to be able to slow down. to have increasing confidence in my capacities as a rational human being. to no longer be embarrassed when i make a mistake. to realize that i already have all the love i need (im not all the way here yet, but its dawning..)
just to finally. exhale. no need to sigh anymore.
i almost feel smug - like yeah, i am right. i am okay. i wasn't trippin. i did make the right decision. that doesn't bother me. i won't miss you, but its okay if i miss some parts of you. i do love you even though i can't be with you. no, i dont have to name names cause i've already made my peace.
God, this feels good.
im finally breathing on my own.
God. this feels good.
1. it can become belligerent when you don't listen.
2. other effects - such as severe hangovers after a night when you knew you shouldn't be drinking - are all blamed on the voice.
3. it massages your self-esteem - when you do something right, and you know its right, you start needing less and less recognition and become increasingly happy that you can be content within yourself.
4. people start to realize that you have changed, and that you are more and more sincere. this voice begins to reveal itself.
= its just been you. all along.
it hasn't been so much of finding myself as really realizing that i have always been here. i have been looking elsewhere, out-where, for so long, that when i finally just stop. and look back, there i am. i am beginning to settle in-to myself, and i realized that i am pretty comfortable. this is a great feeling. to feel better than okay with the choices i am making. to know what i need to do, and that it will all manifest in good time. to be able to slow down. to have increasing confidence in my capacities as a rational human being. to no longer be embarrassed when i make a mistake. to realize that i already have all the love i need (im not all the way here yet, but its dawning..)
just to finally. exhale. no need to sigh anymore.
i almost feel smug - like yeah, i am right. i am okay. i wasn't trippin. i did make the right decision. that doesn't bother me. i won't miss you, but its okay if i miss some parts of you. i do love you even though i can't be with you. no, i dont have to name names cause i've already made my peace.
God, this feels good.
im finally breathing on my own.
God. this feels good.
12 July 2007
phones make me angry
just realized this...so i'm chillin at work, makin v do her damn paper (lol) and i realize - i can be social when i am with someone, but phones? yeah, not so much.
they just make me angry...
i might be fine before ithe phone rings, then i go to answer, and i quickly become annoyed.
if already perturbed, then i become irascible.
why? i don't know. v says i need to get over this, especially if i plan on making this segue into the small-business-ownership world (???)
yeah, its becoming more and more of a reality....this is crazy... its like, when you have dreamed a dream for so long that it no longer seems achievable....like some displaced fiction that has no place in real world things...this feeling is new - shaping dreams into reality is just...weird. and scary. to say the least.
as always
we'll see.
they just make me angry...
i might be fine before ithe phone rings, then i go to answer, and i quickly become annoyed.
if already perturbed, then i become irascible.
why? i don't know. v says i need to get over this, especially if i plan on making this segue into the small-business-ownership world (???)
yeah, its becoming more and more of a reality....this is crazy... its like, when you have dreamed a dream for so long that it no longer seems achievable....like some displaced fiction that has no place in real world things...this feeling is new - shaping dreams into reality is just...weird. and scary. to say the least.
as always
we'll see.
11 July 2007
lessons in humility and patience
this day didn't start out bad at all.
i woke, felt good, went to text a friend....
phone was turned off.
went online - got the wrong info. went galavanting to friend's house with said wrong info ordering payment on part of our phone bill. discovered 9 hours later that she may have paid my portion.
whoops.
random ass info about a friend that kinda hurt. i know i didn't answer before, but i've changed. how do you convince people that you've changed?
i realized that people are a lot more sensitive and (not negatively) self-absorbed than i thought. we really do think that everything done is concerning us - that lady not responding "hello" to my greeting, that man taking another route (was it to avoid me?) someone not answering the phone (was it becasuse i called?) we really are insecure.
90% of the time, any situation in which you are apart of really, really, does not concern you. great words told to me by someone else, as most wisdom is. all this before work.
i realized that people are a lot more sensitive and (not negatively) self-absorbed than i thought. we really do think that everything done is concerning us - that lady not responding "hello" to my greeting, that man taking another route (was it to avoid me?) someone not answering the phone (was it becasuse i called?) we really are insecure.
90% of the time, any situation in which you are apart of really, really, does not concern you. great words told to me by someone else, as most wisdom is. all this before work.
went to work, actually had fun because i felt like a manager - unpacking, doing charge sends, etc. left, came home, got restless...
starting eating. i think i have an eating problem - i eat when i am bored, when i am restless, when i am full...and there was no MAYONNAISE!! how can i work under these circumstances? and the depressing part is i might not be able to buy some cause of said goofed phone bill.
damn
(braids kept falling in my face) +too short to pull into a ponytail+too hot in apartment+too expensive to use air=EXTREME ANNOYANCE
went to sleep. phone begins to ring off the hook constantly (its working now?)
wake up. clean like a mad woman.
now at work. realized that phone bill wouldn't be so bad if i actually followed my bill due dates instead of paying whenever...
my bad
09 July 2007
my bad...
i already know that i shouldn't be writing this late because my thoughts after midnight are usually uncensored and unusually clear, but here i go anywayz...
1. silence - there are things i see that are sketchy as hell but i won't speak on because it could mean losing a future contact. but its annoying - i am told one thing, but i see another. and i can't speak on it because it would make things 'awkward'. or maybe just awkward for you and ... fine for me. (she says as she sits back and sucks her teeth lol) but really, i am realizing i am more and more daring with testing the limits of appropriateness, especially in questioning things...imma just let that one fall off...
2. advice - don't ask me for advice unless you plan to listen. don't ask me for advice, then argue with me about it, then turn around and ask me again what you should do. it will save me some breath. if i talk to you for an extended amount of time it normally means (surprise) i actually care about you. and wouldn't purposefully try to lead you astray. (no anger there, i swear)
2.5 truth - why does it often sound so mean?
3. phones - so i didn't call. now i actually answer. i realize that as much as i said before that people shouldn't take my no-answering-the-phone thing personal, people (once again, see above statement) don't listen to me. so i know its going to take some time to re-build some of the friendships i lost during college. but why has it been so hard to keep the ones i had?
4. friendship - is a tricky thing. between lovers and almost-sisters - its a difficult things to understand and an even more difficult thing to keep. people grow and change, and i am not sure what's better: to grow together or to grow apart.
5. forgiveness - when do you know when to forgive? what's past the second strike? if its even a situation to be forgiven, or perhaps i just realized i cared more than i should have? what's appropriate to forgiven, and when should the chalk be whipped out and "lost" be written?
6. me - sage words -
The person u are now is
pretty much it. I mean, you're done. You're gonna grow, change a
little bit more, so focus on this person.
buts its so hard for me to accept me...
(to the girl who once saw rainbows through her eyelashes)
((my biggest fear is myself...wow)
1. silence - there are things i see that are sketchy as hell but i won't speak on because it could mean losing a future contact. but its annoying - i am told one thing, but i see another. and i can't speak on it because it would make things 'awkward'. or maybe just awkward for you and ... fine for me. (she says as she sits back and sucks her teeth lol) but really, i am realizing i am more and more daring with testing the limits of appropriateness, especially in questioning things...imma just let that one fall off...
2. advice - don't ask me for advice unless you plan to listen. don't ask me for advice, then argue with me about it, then turn around and ask me again what you should do. it will save me some breath. if i talk to you for an extended amount of time it normally means (surprise) i actually care about you. and wouldn't purposefully try to lead you astray. (no anger there, i swear)
2.5 truth - why does it often sound so mean?
3. phones - so i didn't call. now i actually answer. i realize that as much as i said before that people shouldn't take my no-answering-the-phone thing personal, people (once again, see above statement) don't listen to me. so i know its going to take some time to re-build some of the friendships i lost during college. but why has it been so hard to keep the ones i had?
4. friendship - is a tricky thing. between lovers and almost-sisters - its a difficult things to understand and an even more difficult thing to keep. people grow and change, and i am not sure what's better: to grow together or to grow apart.
5. forgiveness - when do you know when to forgive? what's past the second strike? if its even a situation to be forgiven, or perhaps i just realized i cared more than i should have? what's appropriate to forgiven, and when should the chalk be whipped out and "lost" be written?
6. me - sage words -
The person u are now is
pretty much it. I mean, you're done. You're gonna grow, change a
little bit more, so focus on this person.
buts its so hard for me to accept me...
(to the girl who once saw rainbows through her eyelashes)
((my biggest fear is myself...wow)
05 July 2007
paolo nutini
i keep thinking back over the past 24 hours, and i don't know how to respond - i laugh, then i just shake my head, wonder a little, laugh a little more, and think really, what am i going to do?
can a guy ever really tell the truth?
so, i 've been told by mulitple people that i have a guy's mentality when it comes to dating and sex. so, from as far as i can reach, the only reason a guy might hide something is that he's scared whatever hidden information might put the sex in danger.
with me - naw, not so much. as long as we are on the same page, then its all good.
i don't understand why Truth is so difficult. but this also makes me realize just how much i've grown. one thing i am not feeling is anger - what happen had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him (as crazy as that shit was). this realization is doing leaps and bounds for my self esteem - i already know i'm worth whatever i could want, even with my issues of trust (those can be eradicated with a healthy relationship). i'm just ...confused? perplexed? what the fuck is the problem?
so for the future, first questions i ask - "are you capable of being honest? being truly 100 with me? cause if not, then this shit can stop right here."
hiding ish is just disrespectful and stupid and created unnecessary drama.
aight, had to get that out so i can get it off my mind.
wipe me down.
(lol)
gotta get back on that grind. get me some new shoes.
can a guy ever really tell the truth?
so, i 've been told by mulitple people that i have a guy's mentality when it comes to dating and sex. so, from as far as i can reach, the only reason a guy might hide something is that he's scared whatever hidden information might put the sex in danger.
with me - naw, not so much. as long as we are on the same page, then its all good.
i don't understand why Truth is so difficult. but this also makes me realize just how much i've grown. one thing i am not feeling is anger - what happen had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him (as crazy as that shit was). this realization is doing leaps and bounds for my self esteem - i already know i'm worth whatever i could want, even with my issues of trust (those can be eradicated with a healthy relationship). i'm just ...confused? perplexed? what the fuck is the problem?
so for the future, first questions i ask - "are you capable of being honest? being truly 100 with me? cause if not, then this shit can stop right here."
hiding ish is just disrespectful and stupid and created unnecessary drama.
aight, had to get that out so i can get it off my mind.
wipe me down.
(lol)
gotta get back on that grind. get me some new shoes.
29 June 2007
missing
to him who kissed me on the basketball courts.
(initially):
you wouldn't ever believed i missed you anyways...
(initially):
you wouldn't ever believed i missed you anyways...
II.
ur fingers traverse ancient trails across my body with delicate sweetness
as I lay, lulled between this physical and that dream
what is this exquisite feeling, flushing my skin a dusky hue?
I shift, rustling sheets to turn towards u
(eyes still closed)
not wanting to disturb this delicious tension
your lips question silently as they shyly lay on mine
a nocturnal nod for you to continue, no doubt.
you nuzzle my face
as u grow ... bolder
ur fingers play scales on raised ebony kisses
in this shared moonlit room
My eyelids stay still
as i moan
hoping not to wake my roommate in the next bed...
28 June 2007
lemonade and all
some thoughts from today
1. my fam - always the entity closest to my heart. after a talk with the middle sis, i felt invigorated. its time to live up to my name. its time to make my grandpa proud. its so...funny. we know our dreams so well, but we are always to afraid to try to make them real. as if, somehow, we might fail. as if that would be the most devastating thing in the world. but truly, the worst thing would be never to have tried at all.
2. relationships - me and the roomie talked. we know, without being conceited, that we love ourselves, and really, we are pretty cool people. i guess its time to let that radiate outwards. not to just say it, but really truly believe it. i know im not perfect, and i have things to work on (which i thinks makes me better) but i also know that i am pretty damn cool, and that counts for something. and that i don't need to settle for anything less than a mountain (thanks lucille)
3. forgiveness - its hard to forgive that person in your past that hurt you so bad you just knew you wouldn't trust again. for me, it wasn't just some random guy, although there was one, but it was someone i love dearly, and i still love. and even though i don't understand all of what happen, i still forgive and also ask for forgiveness, and i think that wound is finally finally starting to heal. and with the guy, i wonder, what do you do? someone told me tonight that what he did was not intentional - but does that mean that it hurts any less than malicious intent? sometimes it is the mistakes, the sheer carelessness of thought, that smarts the worse. and what, as the receiver, should you do? can you be friends? should you let it go completely? is there an in-between? as one who has been hurt and has done the hurting, i'm am still unsure, but i know that feelings are something that are unbelievably fragile, and should not be taken lightly. i guess all you can do is recognize, and keep living day to day, and try to sweeten the bitterness left from past lemons.
you know, lemonade and all.
1. my fam - always the entity closest to my heart. after a talk with the middle sis, i felt invigorated. its time to live up to my name. its time to make my grandpa proud. its so...funny. we know our dreams so well, but we are always to afraid to try to make them real. as if, somehow, we might fail. as if that would be the most devastating thing in the world. but truly, the worst thing would be never to have tried at all.
2. relationships - me and the roomie talked. we know, without being conceited, that we love ourselves, and really, we are pretty cool people. i guess its time to let that radiate outwards. not to just say it, but really truly believe it. i know im not perfect, and i have things to work on (which i thinks makes me better) but i also know that i am pretty damn cool, and that counts for something. and that i don't need to settle for anything less than a mountain (thanks lucille)
3. forgiveness - its hard to forgive that person in your past that hurt you so bad you just knew you wouldn't trust again. for me, it wasn't just some random guy, although there was one, but it was someone i love dearly, and i still love. and even though i don't understand all of what happen, i still forgive and also ask for forgiveness, and i think that wound is finally finally starting to heal. and with the guy, i wonder, what do you do? someone told me tonight that what he did was not intentional - but does that mean that it hurts any less than malicious intent? sometimes it is the mistakes, the sheer carelessness of thought, that smarts the worse. and what, as the receiver, should you do? can you be friends? should you let it go completely? is there an in-between? as one who has been hurt and has done the hurting, i'm am still unsure, but i know that feelings are something that are unbelievably fragile, and should not be taken lightly. i guess all you can do is recognize, and keep living day to day, and try to sweeten the bitterness left from past lemons.
you know, lemonade and all.
27 June 2007
cause i had to quote it
"You always got a hand full of nappy headed apples that go and screw everything up for the rest of us that are keeping it real."
- my sister
i got inspired by this and this recently. so, i'm working on a plan, and i think i am going to start writing again. journaling in my actual journal (bought by the other sister) because:
"for some time now - i think since i was a child - i have been possessed of some desire to put down the stuff of my life. that is a commonplace impulse, apparently, among people of massive self-interest; sooner of later we all do it. and, i am quite certain, there is only one internalquarrel: how much of the truth to tell? how much, how much, how much!"
- lorraine hansberry, to be young, gifted and black.
holla
- my sister
i got inspired by this and this recently. so, i'm working on a plan, and i think i am going to start writing again. journaling in my actual journal (bought by the other sister) because:
"for some time now - i think since i was a child - i have been possessed of some desire to put down the stuff of my life. that is a commonplace impulse, apparently, among people of massive self-interest; sooner of later we all do it. and, i am quite certain, there is only one internalquarrel: how much of the truth to tell? how much, how much, how much!"
- lorraine hansberry, to be young, gifted and black.
holla
26 June 2007
my story
i'm awake again...can't sleep...
so i had a great convo with j about life as a whole...lasted a few hours...i guess that's what prompted me to go break out the old journals...
i've been journaling/writing since 2001...i had another journal that i lost somewhere... so my life is all there, in blue red and black ink...i remember someone telling me that they can't stand to write cause then you have the opportunity to go back and read not only the good, but everything that went wrong as well...
after reading mine, i see what she means.
i have been through so...much...shit in my life. shit that i had blocked out.
*pause*
shit i've never told anyone.
but then again, only one person has ever asked. one. out of so many. cause its one thing to talk. but its another thing when someone actually wants to listen to you. really truly shuts up and listens.
i want to tell my story...but why? where does this need come to share all the experiences that make you you? and what will it do for you? will it be the sigh that i finally need?
*pause*
i honestly don't know how i made it so far.
i gotta go think on some things.
(for rae-rae, rafi and dev, and ...)
so i had a great convo with j about life as a whole...lasted a few hours...i guess that's what prompted me to go break out the old journals...
i've been journaling/writing since 2001...i had another journal that i lost somewhere... so my life is all there, in blue red and black ink...i remember someone telling me that they can't stand to write cause then you have the opportunity to go back and read not only the good, but everything that went wrong as well...
after reading mine, i see what she means.
i have been through so...much...shit in my life. shit that i had blocked out.
*pause*
shit i've never told anyone.
but then again, only one person has ever asked. one. out of so many. cause its one thing to talk. but its another thing when someone actually wants to listen to you. really truly shuts up and listens.
i want to tell my story...but why? where does this need come to share all the experiences that make you you? and what will it do for you? will it be the sigh that i finally need?
*pause*
i honestly don't know how i made it so far.
i gotta go think on some things.
(for rae-rae, rafi and dev, and ...)
22 June 2007
back on the bus
nothing like riding the bus to bring you back to where you came from. some things i learned today:
you will NEVER get your money situation straight. so don't wait until you can to get your dreams in order.
i'm not a nice person. but i am a good person.
j is the older sister in our friendship
always buy in pairs if you like the shoe
even the whitest looking girl could be black. especially if said girl is dating a black man.
every shoe (so far) hurts after 5 hours unless they are flats
you aren't grown and sexy if you refer to yourself as such.
i'm ghetto. a man proselytizing about Jesus said i was, so it must be true...
those who hate aren't haters (as i thought...hence the above label applied to me by said man) but are murderers.
and last but not least...
never underestimate the power of the blank stare. mine's looks mean, so even if i am 100lbs soaking wet, i never get bothered, cause i have to be crazy to be that small and fall asleep on the train/bus.
-t
you will NEVER get your money situation straight. so don't wait until you can to get your dreams in order.
i'm not a nice person. but i am a good person.
j is the older sister in our friendship
always buy in pairs if you like the shoe
even the whitest looking girl could be black. especially if said girl is dating a black man.
every shoe (so far) hurts after 5 hours unless they are flats
you aren't grown and sexy if you refer to yourself as such.
i'm ghetto. a man proselytizing about Jesus said i was, so it must be true...
those who hate aren't haters (as i thought...hence the above label applied to me by said man) but are murderers.
and last but not least...
never underestimate the power of the blank stare. mine's looks mean, so even if i am 100lbs soaking wet, i never get bothered, cause i have to be crazy to be that small and fall asleep on the train/bus.
-t
20 June 2007
what happens when you suddenly think you realize that there is something else that you should be doing, no matter how hard you have tried to convince yourself that the profession you chose is what you should do?
do you shirk it off as the existential ramblings of youth?
what do you do when you realize that where you are is not where you want to be?
do you just shrug your shoulders with the realization that a lot of people are dislocated as well?
what do you do when you begin to understand who you really are, realizing that you've known yourself for so long, but you just can't be yourself around others...what do you do when you realize that you aren't as fearless as you thought you were...
(maybe enlightenment comes when you watch SVU...who knew?)
do you shirk it off as the existential ramblings of youth?
what do you do when you realize that where you are is not where you want to be?
do you just shrug your shoulders with the realization that a lot of people are dislocated as well?
what do you do when you begin to understand who you really are, realizing that you've known yourself for so long, but you just can't be yourself around others...what do you do when you realize that you aren't as fearless as you thought you were...
(maybe enlightenment comes when you watch SVU...who knew?)
19 June 2007
i hate being an adult because
...there is black mold growing in my closet because the painters never came to repair the wall where water was leaking because of my neighbor upstairs using their air conditioner as well they should be because i don't think it could be any hotter on the SUN than it is in this apartment building...
...i peeled the label off of some container (i don't remember) and little black spores of something floated out...and now, i have been coughing up snot since last night...
...i can't take off work because i am poor because i live in a decent apartment with decent-sized bills and i have a decent amount of credit card debit and student loans to pay off and my mom no longer pays for my auto insurance. that was the only thing she paid for, so its not so bad...because i am already used to being BROKE...
...because i still want to have fun, but it's kinda hard to go out and spend money knowing that that five dollars could have went to groceries... or the next bill, whatever it may be (gas light rent phone insurance loans credit card)...
... because i still want to have fun...the reason i don't have kids yet...and travel and maybe have a new car and maybe buy a new computer and i still don't have an ipod...
...because after the age of 10 to 12 years of age, young women, especially me, get to meet aunt flo, and her bad ass kid PMS, which makes everything THAT MUCH WORSE...with chocolate and salt cravings on the side...
but i am glad...that i made it this far...and i have internet and a blog to bitch on...and i know that really, this all isn't that bad and not just because there are those proverbial kids in africa starving, but because it really isn't that bad. just annoying as all hell.
i guess i hate ... or get annoyed with being an adult because mommy isn't there anymore to take responsibility for my actions. i gotta stand on my own two.
but at least she taught me how to walk.
...i peeled the label off of some container (i don't remember) and little black spores of something floated out...and now, i have been coughing up snot since last night...
...i can't take off work because i am poor because i live in a decent apartment with decent-sized bills and i have a decent amount of credit card debit and student loans to pay off and my mom no longer pays for my auto insurance. that was the only thing she paid for, so its not so bad...because i am already used to being BROKE...
...because i still want to have fun, but it's kinda hard to go out and spend money knowing that that five dollars could have went to groceries... or the next bill, whatever it may be (gas light rent phone insurance loans credit card)...
... because i still want to have fun...the reason i don't have kids yet...and travel and maybe have a new car and maybe buy a new computer and i still don't have an ipod...
...because after the age of 10 to 12 years of age, young women, especially me, get to meet aunt flo, and her bad ass kid PMS, which makes everything THAT MUCH WORSE...with chocolate and salt cravings on the side...
but i am glad...that i made it this far...and i have internet and a blog to bitch on...and i know that really, this all isn't that bad and not just because there are those proverbial kids in africa starving, but because it really isn't that bad. just annoying as all hell.
i guess i hate ... or get annoyed with being an adult because mommy isn't there anymore to take responsibility for my actions. i gotta stand on my own two.
but at least she taught me how to walk.
17 June 2007
love...monogamy...real love (?)
so i was cleaning, and a thought hit me...
so everyone (or many) want to meet that perfect someone. that one guy or girl that you can spend the rest of your life with.
but im starting to think that this expectation is a little unachievable. not because im a pessimist....on the contrary, i think real love is cool (understatement of the year) but think about it:
so i have friends, guys and girls. but just looking at my girl-friends i realize they aren't perfect. There is something different and unique i appreciate in every one of them that i don't see the same in another. one likes to chill and be a homebody and one likes to go out and party. one will talk endlessly about randomness and another likes to be concise and to the point, no questions asked. one is all about family, and another has a different perspective on what the perfect family life will be, one that probably won't include kids. i guess the point is, they aren't perfect.
no one person can have everything you want. nor can you be everything someone else needs. all you can really do is be you. isn't that what makes things work? isn't that what makes life perfect?
so, for me to be cool with the fact that my friends collectively hold the qualities that i cherish, then to turn around and expect one guy to have what they have collectively seems...off.
so...marriage? so...monogamy?
for example. not everyone is cool with the idea of being in a relationship with multiple people. for example, being with a guy that can lay it down in the bedroom (or wherever you decide to go ;-) ... and at the same time, being with a guy that you can talk with forever...and with a guy that loves to go out to eat, to movies, to clubs, and is adventurous - will go hiking, or road trip somewhere with you, etc...and being with a guy that you can just be a homebody with (without having to worry if he is bored)...
i am starting to think that this is okay...
why? cause it just seems more realistic. but the problem comes in with issues of respect. i have no problem being in this kind of relationship(s) if there is honesty. i'm talking : i'll be monogamous with the dude that puts it down cause that's just healthy. with the others, it won't get to a point where the first needs to be jealous. at the same time, everyone should know about everyone else - not hide the fact that some days, i'm hanging with this person, and not you. and that everyone has the freedom to do what they want to do. i think that hiding things is where you get into trouble - that starts the lying, and i just can't trust or respect a liar. and if things change, i.e. you find someone that is seemingly just the perfect match (i am a hopeless romantic even after all) then our relationship
STOPS.
i have too much respect for others to cheat. its just rude. we can be friends, but thats all...
and its not all black and white. maybe you only really need two people - like a type a and type b - maybe people change (wow, novel thought) and your relationships change from wanting to be with mr. crazy all the time to just mr. chill. Then you and mr. crazy become friends...less time, less committment with each other...
i hit a quandry - what's the difference between a friendship and a relationship? traditionally, it seems the only thing separating the two is sex...the gender and the physical act... wow, thats hella superficial....
back to cleaning.
so everyone (or many) want to meet that perfect someone. that one guy or girl that you can spend the rest of your life with.
but im starting to think that this expectation is a little unachievable. not because im a pessimist....on the contrary, i think real love is cool (understatement of the year) but think about it:
so i have friends, guys and girls. but just looking at my girl-friends i realize they aren't perfect. There is something different and unique i appreciate in every one of them that i don't see the same in another. one likes to chill and be a homebody and one likes to go out and party. one will talk endlessly about randomness and another likes to be concise and to the point, no questions asked. one is all about family, and another has a different perspective on what the perfect family life will be, one that probably won't include kids. i guess the point is, they aren't perfect.
no one person can have everything you want. nor can you be everything someone else needs. all you can really do is be you. isn't that what makes things work? isn't that what makes life perfect?
so, for me to be cool with the fact that my friends collectively hold the qualities that i cherish, then to turn around and expect one guy to have what they have collectively seems...off.
so...marriage? so...monogamy?
for example. not everyone is cool with the idea of being in a relationship with multiple people. for example, being with a guy that can lay it down in the bedroom (or wherever you decide to go ;-) ... and at the same time, being with a guy that you can talk with forever...and with a guy that loves to go out to eat, to movies, to clubs, and is adventurous - will go hiking, or road trip somewhere with you, etc...and being with a guy that you can just be a homebody with (without having to worry if he is bored)...
i am starting to think that this is okay...
why? cause it just seems more realistic. but the problem comes in with issues of respect. i have no problem being in this kind of relationship(s) if there is honesty. i'm talking : i'll be monogamous with the dude that puts it down cause that's just healthy. with the others, it won't get to a point where the first needs to be jealous. at the same time, everyone should know about everyone else - not hide the fact that some days, i'm hanging with this person, and not you. and that everyone has the freedom to do what they want to do. i think that hiding things is where you get into trouble - that starts the lying, and i just can't trust or respect a liar. and if things change, i.e. you find someone that is seemingly just the perfect match (i am a hopeless romantic even after all) then our relationship
STOPS.
i have too much respect for others to cheat. its just rude. we can be friends, but thats all...
and its not all black and white. maybe you only really need two people - like a type a and type b - maybe people change (wow, novel thought) and your relationships change from wanting to be with mr. crazy all the time to just mr. chill. Then you and mr. crazy become friends...less time, less committment with each other...
i hit a quandry - what's the difference between a friendship and a relationship? traditionally, it seems the only thing separating the two is sex...the gender and the physical act... wow, thats hella superficial....
back to cleaning.
06 June 2007
stuff from when i didn't have internet access: Mice/Sidewalks/ N'Awlins/Growing Up
side note - why is there a man yelling outside of my window?...and now he is whistling...why won't he just go to the apartment of the person he is trying to talk to?
who said white people can't be ghetto?
anyways. past posts, cause i need to free up some disk space.
t
5-25-07
5-30-07
6-6-07
1:09 am
I guess what got me thinking tonight was this one girl, just one person in the dramatical vignettes that Lee shot to …I don’t know, grab emotion, I guess… but anyways, her right side was to the camera, and she was looking in the distance, and I noticed her arm. Of all things, I noticed her arm. And how much it looked like my own. So much so I held up my own arm and looked at it – expecting to see what, I don’t know, but there was a connection, right there.
this growing up...and this thinking...can be kinda rough.
who said white people can't be ghetto?
anyways. past posts, cause i need to free up some disk space.
t
Yay new apartment(?)
So.
Where to begin, eh?
Yesterday, I came home to find a pair of footprints in my bathroom. This would have freaked me out except for one fact – there was just one foot, and it looked like it was clad in a boot, and there were only two or three prints. I have concluded that it was a small mouse who just pledged Omega Psi Phi.
I go to cook in my kitchen, and find that for some reason, saint louis
Then. There is a smell of pee…yes, urine…in my kitchen whenever I cook. Now, I know I can’t cook that well, but my food ain’t never smelled like pee. I ignore it, because I am exhausted
(summer class+working=no joke)
but this morning, it got the best of me.
Currently, 30% of my kitchen is covered in Method Cleanser. I got to scrubbing like no other – I cleaned the roaster, the inside of the oven, the hood, and even dismantled the fan and soaked those pieces.
But the smell. Still there.
So I start trying to break down the stove. I’m moving ish, scooching stuff, and I finally go to dismantling the eyes of the oven when lo and behold...
I lift up the corner right eye, and something small and fury is chillin. Just posted in the corner. Is it the body…or half of the body…of a mouse? Is it food that was alive, died, was cooked, and came back to life in the form of a wad of mold???
Living in an apartment has made me less and less skirmish. I can move, clean, cook, sanitize and deodorize with the best with them.
But this? Naw, son.
So I hit it with some Method and came to share my experiences via Blogger as it soaks. So if I catch bubonic plague and die, at least someone will know how it happened.
I’m not going to touch it; who knew chopsticks could be so handy?
*shaking head sadly*
t
the sidewalks in front of my school.
they are the flat, marble-like kind. The kind that is good for rollerblading and skate boarding and biking on. The kind that says even before you look up to see what the houses look like (cause there are only houses here) and what condition the grass is in (cause there is grass, you know) this is a great neighborhood.
Class is a funny thing. I’ve shared this story before, of how I asked my mother when I was very young if we were middle class. I remembered she just laughed and quietly replied “no. we’re not.” And over the years, I have wondered if that was true. No, I didn’t have a pony, but I had health care. And I didn’t get a car at sixteen, but I got one after I graduated. No it wasn’t new, but it worked until I got another one…see my point? Its like, whatever class your in, it becomes normal to you.
You don’t learn to cope with it; it just is what you are.
Until you see a class of people higher than you.
Then things that you are used to do seem suddenly…unpolished. Uncouth. The things you once loved ad cherished become jokes shared with others, partly to serve as remembrances, maybe to keep some kind of tie onto what is considered real, maybe to re-affirm to others and to yourself that no matter how high up you may get, you are always ‘down’ like fried chicken and red kool-aid, right? Like collards and Friday fish frys.
right?
I keep seeing where I was, where I could have been, and sometimes, on a clear day, I get a view of where I’m going. I’ve gotten so used to looking forward or looking behind me that I forget who I am. Where I am.
And what that means.
So even though today was rough, I’m still here. Even though faith in the unseen is so hard to have, so hard to hold onto and so hard to believe in, I will keep trying. And one day, I’ll get to have those marble sidewalks in front of my house, too.
maybe…I shouldn’t have watched “when the levees broke” by spike lee this late at night. I thought that at most I would be a ball of emotion, just balled up on the couch, crying, cause…I have this love affair with New Orleans
Yeah, I remember seeing the evacuation signs.
Yeah, I cried when I heard what happened, and I was so frustrated that I was the only one crying out of my roommates – was I just too emotional? Over-reacting? I still don’t know.
Yeah, I went down to help for a week. And felt horrible cause I wanted to leave – it was so…contaminated. So dirty. I can only liken it to going to see your significant other in the hospital who has been...damaged in some way. You hug them cause you love them. Too embarrassed to acknowledge those feelings inside that make you want to pull back, because the atrocity is just waaaaaay too much to bear for one human being.
I guess what got me thinking tonight was this one girl, just one person in the dramatical vignettes that Lee shot to …I don’t know, grab emotion, I guess… but anyways, her right side was to the camera, and she was looking in the distance, and I noticed her arm. Of all things, I noticed her arm. And how much it looked like my own. So much so I held up my own arm and looked at it – expecting to see what, I don’t know, but there was a connection, right there.
So many thoughts flashed through my head –
- If I lived in
- Would I have been able to escape?
- Where would my loyalties lie – Nagin? The governor (Kathleen somebody?)
- What would I think if I was watching this documentary? I mean, I remember some of the places, some of the street names are familiar, but not enough for me to feel as though a part of my life drowned, too. I almost catch myself straining to make things seem more familiar. Why? So I can say I was there? So that I get more empathy points?
I also noticed how composed all the officials seemed. The real people interviewed – they cursed and cried and shouted. Chaotic elegance in their speech. But the officials? All business. No emotion. Ray Nagin said it was him cursing on camera that finally got some things a-moving.
Maybe that’s what we need – some more cursing. Some more passion. Some more fury or anger or…something other than this p.c. censored bull-ish. Why don’t we question more? Why do we hold our tongues so much on things that need to be spoken on, but let loose on things that inflict more pain then necessary? I am thinking of an incident recently when someone just let loose and called me …what was it…annoying. I jumped back – not because I was offended, but I had no idea where it came from, especially because I was so nice to her. Was that necessary? But then again I remember that I held my tongue on other issues that arose…even now I feel trepidation on saying something, I am so trained not to offend or step out of place…
And I keep wondering – just how important is this life? There seem to be two camps – those concerned with the afterlife, like this life on earth is just another stop to something more important, more meaningful. And then there are those who are concerned about how they act here, not because good works count as brownie points, but because of their progeny. They use phrases like “carbon footprint” and “good Samaritan” and care about the environment. Where do I stand? Or is there a definitive answer?
I think I am moreso the latter.
In that case, then there are two more camps – those concerned with sufficiency. Stabilization. These people look for careers. They invest. Are concerned with property and good schools and improving the world, or the world that touches them – and this can expand and contract at will.
And then there are others, slightly more selfless, the free spirit green people who just go when they want to go. Who use herbs instead of manufactured medicine.
And I’m polarizing – there are gradients of living in-between.
But the point is, where do I fit? What do I want to do? Should I go home to be with my godson and my grandmas and my mother…should I go to be with my sisters and father…or should I heed the words of my aunt, whose spirit I can feel reaching me through the phone, heavy with regret but also inspired with knowledge, telling me to just go…go where I haven’t been. Go where I’m being pulled. Don’t let others decide your life for you.
She is one of few who (once again) has never called me weird…or odd…who knows what it feels like to have something calling to you, somewhere calling to you. But isn’t that what life is? Other people and how they impact you? Shouldn’t I heed the ones I love? or should I heed myself? I mean, recently, all I hear is talk about love and marriage and kids and will I ever find the right person…i'm guilty of it myself....all about this search for someone else to come into my life and do what?
I said before that I didn’t have faith… maybe I do. Maybe I only have faith in things that I know I should be doing. And I doubt when I do things that maybe I shouldn’t be doing.
this growing up...and this thinking...can be kinda rough.
03 June 2007
payback is a ...
once again, i am seeing that God works in mysterious ways.
1. i have limited faith. i know i am one of those people that will kick, cry and scream until i see something, then i'm all like "thank you JES-us!".
that probably isn't what you're suppose to do.
2. something always comes thru - i still don't know how i managed to pay rent with no job - but i'm amazed that it doesn't really happen until the VERY LAST MINUTE. how can i have faith when i am so afraid that the next time, 'it' might not be there?
3. whatever you do comes flying RIGHT BACK AT YOU!! i am living testament to that. i go through something, learn from it, then it comes back at me.
for example, i push people away because i am afraid of being hurt (real talk) in whatever way, shape and form. i just have this idea that people never come thru. some of this is true, some not, but whatever...imma work on that.
but recently, i'm learning that instead of pushing people back, maybe i should just tell them what's going on with me, so that its not pushing, but a request for space - therefore, no one gets hurt, i get my peace, it all works.
right after i learn that lesson, i experience what it feels to be on the pushed-away side. a friend of mine pushed, and now i'm
sitting here /
looking crazy like damn. - Nelly
now i know what i put people through, and am really sorry for it, cause i feel all hurt and sad and confused like "what did i do"? and i am sure some people felt like that about me. its true - you live and you learn.
i guess the ultimate lesson i learned is that you can't be all about you -think about how your actions affect others.
t
1. i have limited faith. i know i am one of those people that will kick, cry and scream until i see something, then i'm all like "thank you JES-us!".
that probably isn't what you're suppose to do.
2. something always comes thru - i still don't know how i managed to pay rent with no job - but i'm amazed that it doesn't really happen until the VERY LAST MINUTE. how can i have faith when i am so afraid that the next time, 'it' might not be there?
3. whatever you do comes flying RIGHT BACK AT YOU!! i am living testament to that. i go through something, learn from it, then it comes back at me.
for example, i push people away because i am afraid of being hurt (real talk) in whatever way, shape and form. i just have this idea that people never come thru. some of this is true, some not, but whatever...imma work on that.
but recently, i'm learning that instead of pushing people back, maybe i should just tell them what's going on with me, so that its not pushing, but a request for space - therefore, no one gets hurt, i get my peace, it all works.
right after i learn that lesson, i experience what it feels to be on the pushed-away side. a friend of mine pushed, and now i'm
sitting here /
looking crazy like damn. - Nelly
now i know what i put people through, and am really sorry for it, cause i feel all hurt and sad and confused like "what did i do"? and i am sure some people felt like that about me. its true - you live and you learn.
i guess the ultimate lesson i learned is that you can't be all about you -think about how your actions affect others.
t
23 May 2007
whirlwind of contradictions
so i can move on...
so, i'm not quite sure where i am right now. i am happy cause i'm alone, and that i am around people who understand solitude is not a bad thing.
or do they?
not everything is about you. that's my mantra from now on.
i've grown tired of trying to explain myself. from now on, i am that dude in office space who just does whatever he wants to do because the truth is addicitive and can get you far.
i don't think i'm upset. i've gotten this new found peace and patience with leaving the wu - i'm not stressed because things have a way of working themselves out. and i love the fact that i finally have a room of my own, although i enjoyed living with others.
the wu was rough. i changed a lot, and not always for the best. it was hard, and for a large stretch of it, i was hella depressed. but i'm twelve days from being done. i've accepted that many people won't understand where i'm coming from with my bittersweet love for the wu. but it's almost done. and that's all that matters.
i am a whirlwind of contradictions, but i don't think that's all that bad.
i'm okay with the fact that i don't have all the answers. that i don't know what i want from life. that it takes me 30 minutes to get dressed cause i hate making decisions. that i am overly sensitive but underly-expressive and people are beginning to realize this.
i still have to work on not taking everything personal, but when are those times that i should? or should i just let it be unless you bring it to me? but what happens when your bad mood invades my space? what should i do then?
i realized the importance of family over the past few days. that these are the people that God made perfect - they judge you, but they love you fiercely. we fight, but we hug and laugh. we bare all to each other with no fear of repercussion. they always ALWAYD have your back (and are ready to whup someone's ass at the roll of an eye). these are the ones that will forever be closest to me because they never turn. never fade. hurt, but never stop loving. andi realize how blessed i am for that.
i realize that friendship is complicated. its never what you expect but always a lesson learned. it changes as friends grow, and sometimes.
sometimes.
it never really ever existed in the first place.
t
so, i'm not quite sure where i am right now. i am happy cause i'm alone, and that i am around people who understand solitude is not a bad thing.
or do they?
not everything is about you. that's my mantra from now on.
i've grown tired of trying to explain myself. from now on, i am that dude in office space who just does whatever he wants to do because the truth is addicitive and can get you far.
i don't think i'm upset. i've gotten this new found peace and patience with leaving the wu - i'm not stressed because things have a way of working themselves out. and i love the fact that i finally have a room of my own, although i enjoyed living with others.
the wu was rough. i changed a lot, and not always for the best. it was hard, and for a large stretch of it, i was hella depressed. but i'm twelve days from being done. i've accepted that many people won't understand where i'm coming from with my bittersweet love for the wu. but it's almost done. and that's all that matters.
i am a whirlwind of contradictions, but i don't think that's all that bad.
i'm okay with the fact that i don't have all the answers. that i don't know what i want from life. that it takes me 30 minutes to get dressed cause i hate making decisions. that i am overly sensitive but underly-expressive and people are beginning to realize this.
i still have to work on not taking everything personal, but when are those times that i should? or should i just let it be unless you bring it to me? but what happens when your bad mood invades my space? what should i do then?
i realized the importance of family over the past few days. that these are the people that God made perfect - they judge you, but they love you fiercely. we fight, but we hug and laugh. we bare all to each other with no fear of repercussion. they always ALWAYD have your back (and are ready to whup someone's ass at the roll of an eye). these are the ones that will forever be closest to me because they never turn. never fade. hurt, but never stop loving. andi realize how blessed i am for that.
i realize that friendship is complicated. its never what you expect but always a lesson learned. it changes as friends grow, and sometimes.
sometimes.
it never really ever existed in the first place.
t
14 May 2007
ups and downs / bang out
i'm graduating. from college.
i have an apartment.
i have a job.
this growing up is crazy.
i finally had The Breakdown a few days ago. it was all bad - was at s and b's b-day party and was struck with the need to be alone. e brought me home, and i could feel the tears starting. its was all ugly after that (i'll spare the details) but it was k, like always, to catch me when i fell. Hard.
i was ready to leave all my sh!t here and just drive until i got home. i was jaded, tired, irritable, scared, scarred...
you name it, i felt it.
he helped me see that you always, always have the Lord to depend on.
and that no matter what others think, you gotta keep folks around you that you feel good being around...
i have an apartment.
i have a job.
this growing up is crazy.
i finally had The Breakdown a few days ago. it was all bad - was at s and b's b-day party and was struck with the need to be alone. e brought me home, and i could feel the tears starting. its was all ugly after that (i'll spare the details) but it was k, like always, to catch me when i fell. Hard.
i was ready to leave all my sh!t here and just drive until i got home. i was jaded, tired, irritable, scared, scarred...
you name it, i felt it.
he helped me see that you always, always have the Lord to depend on.
and that no matter what others think, you gotta keep folks around you that you feel good being around...
09 May 2007
like i said...
B just came up to my desk, lookin hella destitute. depressed about school, life and papers, B proceeded to release, looking on the verge of tears. life should not rip you apart like this! school shouldn't rip you apart like this!
i remember i was sitting in an advisor's office and was told that i was too distracted with life. that my problem lie in the fact that i wasn't concentrating on my schoolwork. little did i know that "distraction with life" is a common problem of young black students from backgrounds like mine in college
that was the point i decided to heed the advice i was told my first year here at wash u:
brief story:
i had come back to the floor after receiving a c or so on a paper and was depressed. L saw me, and said "think about it. when you're 70 years old, sitting on your wraparound porch (i've always wanted one of these) watching your grandchildren play in your yard, are you going to be thinking about the day you got a c in a class at wash u?" it was a poignant question from a deep person.
i had to figure out where my priorities lay in life. not so much regarding school v. living, but what makes/keeps me Happy. what makes/helps me feel Better about myself. these are the activities i focus on. so what if i get a d in a class that was not in my major? so what if my GPA is not as great as it could have been? the past is the past, and the knowledge i've learned here is invaluable on
so.
many.
different.
levels.
that's what matters to me.
i remember i was sitting in an advisor's office and was told that i was too distracted with life. that my problem lie in the fact that i wasn't concentrating on my schoolwork. little did i know that "distraction with life" is a common problem of young black students from backgrounds like mine in college
that was the point i decided to heed the advice i was told my first year here at wash u:
brief story:
i had come back to the floor after receiving a c or so on a paper and was depressed. L saw me, and said "think about it. when you're 70 years old, sitting on your wraparound porch (i've always wanted one of these) watching your grandchildren play in your yard, are you going to be thinking about the day you got a c in a class at wash u?" it was a poignant question from a deep person.
i had to figure out where my priorities lay in life. not so much regarding school v. living, but what makes/keeps me Happy. what makes/helps me feel Better about myself. these are the activities i focus on. so what if i get a d in a class that was not in my major? so what if my GPA is not as great as it could have been? the past is the past, and the knowledge i've learned here is invaluable on
so.
many.
different.
levels.
that's what matters to me.
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